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fabot. funny enough to read

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Excess Mode vs. Conservation Mode

You know that feeling you get when you go to the costco (or sam's back home), and buy a 12 year supply of toilet paper? Hell yeah you do. That's a great feeling. There's just toilet paper everywhere! When you have that much toilet paper on hand, you start to think of rediculous things to do with it. I mean, everything except wiping after a hard fought battle with your dinner from the night before.
Some examples of possible ideas include:
- Rolling your neighbor's yard
- (after you've rolled everyone elses yards), rolling your own yard
- Wrapping yourself and other friends and family members, "tp mummy" style
- Dangling one end of the toilet paper in the toilet, and flushing, to see how much will be sucked down
- Using unfurled rolls to wipe catchup from the corner of your mouth, then tossing the whole roll out

But there is a different mode. Conservation mode. Remember the good 'ole days? When you had so much toilet paper that your entire living room at one point was plastered with tp wallpaper? Now, you have to go really bad, and you see the bad news. 10 sheets. Sure, they're two-ply, which buys you 10 more sheets, but this is when people get into the mindset of stretching out every scrap of paper, hoping that they'll have a "clean poop." Then, true to murphy's law, the worst possible scenario occurs: the projectile diarrhea. At this point, you have a couple of options:
  1. Hoping that you can "shake" most of it off
  2. Washing, then reusing the toilet paper (which usually doesn't quite work out)
  3. Jumping from the toilet directly into the shower in a superman-esque leap
  4. Looking for "alternate" wiping tools
The last one is an option that many try. But usually, the only other item that's suitable for that purpose, besides accidentally using your shirt, are paper towels. The only problem with paper towels? You guessed it, thirsty pockets. Thirsty pockets are awesome when you're trying to sop up an entire sink full of funk that won't go down the drain, but can be hazardous to your poop chute, when it sucks so much water out that it is actually changing your body chemistry into only 12% water.

I leave you with this advice: don't swim in shark invested waters. Wait, no, what i meant to say was, enjoy it while you've got it, and when you run out, practice your long jump.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I can't tell you the name of the hotel that I'm staying at, but I can tell you that there are two trees involved. At some point, there was a meeting to come up with the name of this hotel. It was quite short. "How about tree? No? DoubleTree... Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "Fuck, I was going for QuadroupleTree. We were so close."

Monday, August 29, 2005

The future of the IM....

There have been many technological advances within the last 30 or so years.
Music for instance, going from the record/8-track days, to the cassette tape, to the cd, to the mp3.
In transportation, cars used to be huge, get terrible gas mileage, and be for the most part, ugly. Well, i guess aside from the fact that most of the cars are now made overseas, that one hasn't changed too much.

Then we come to communication. About 30 or so years ago, the main form of communication was the homing pigeon. You'd be lucky if your friends got your message about coming over for dinner, because the homing pigeon's route was influenced by whether or not they were hungry. Then, through the amazing invention of the telephone (by famed inventor, mr. verizon), people were able to actually talk to each other from long distances without having to write out words or know how to spell in any way. Then, along came the invention of the computer (which most people don't realize, was invented by mistake when scientists were trying to find a better mechanism for sharing porn), which revolutionized communciation forever. Now, people, instead of talking to their friends over the anitquated "telephone," were able to "message" each other via typing on their keyboard, and "emoting" with such clever phrases as "lol" and "brb."
It has indeed, come full circle.

I've often wondered what the next generation of communications will be. I can only imagine, that the telephone industry, now slipping into the obscurity that only tony danza has known, will attempt to create a better way to "call" people. I imagine that most likely, there will be some form of holographic interaction, where people will no longer ever have to leave their homes when interacting with other humans, simply doing it in their holographic chambers. Of course, by the time this happens, most of the people in my generation will be at the "i don't care for all these new fangled gadgets" phase, and we will never be able to use it, or learn how to get rid of the blinking "12:00." Our kids will use it all the time, not knowing what it was like in the olden days where people had to imagine what their friends looked like by looking at screennames such as "awesomedude224" or "beet_gardner."
We, on the other hand, will be hapily plucking away at our keyboards, waiting in vein for the people we just IMed to come back from their self-imposed "brb."


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

You know how when you go to a restaurant, they call out your name? Like "Dufrain, party of two... Dufrain, party of two." And if no one answers, they'll say it again "Dufrain, party of two, Dufrain, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just move on the next name: "Bush, party of three." What happened to the Dufrains? They're missing, and no one cares. Right now, they're tied up in the trunk of someone's car, with duck tape over their mouths, and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! They should say "Bush, search party of three." "You can eat once you've found the Dufrains."

Saturday, August 27, 2005

funny observations...

Just thought i'd share this post... it's from a cocktail waitress in las vegas, she has a pretty fun and interesting site... check it out at coctaildoll.com

Saturday, May 21, 2005
Shift: 10 AM - 6 PM
Station: Dice
So here's how my day went. For some reason we were talking about cockroaches in the bar, I think we were talking about Fear Factor or something. Anyway, I was still thinking about it when I walked out to take orders and, as I approached some customers, instead of, "Cocktails?" I said, "Cockroach?" This lady said, "Oh my god...where?!" I said, "I'm sorry, I meant 'cocktails.' I don't know why I said that." She said, "Oh, you scared me. I hate cockroaches! I thought you saw one." Then this other customer pointed at the floor and said, "Well, there's a dead one. Looks like you stepped on him." I looked down, and I swear to god, there was a brown, squished cockroach with its legs all sticking up and guts smeared all over. I looked at the bottom of my shoe, and sure enough, there was the rest of its legs and guts. I was like, "Oh...that is so gross!" Needless to say, they didn't order a drink. Later on, I walked smack! into a wall. I didn't have any drinks on my tray, but my pen, writing pad, and tip jar went down. Not to mention the tray jabbed me hard in the ribs. I mean, that hurt like a mother! I felt like such an idiot because some customers saw me, but they just turned back to their game. No one helped me, but at least no one made fun of me either. Then, on my last round, as I was whining and limping to my station delivering drinks, someone walking in front of me cut such a smelly one that I almost cried. And I couldn't escape it because I had to continue taking that path, and I was holding my tray with both hands because it was full of drinks so I couldn't use one hand to fan it away, and I didn't know who to blame it on since there were so many people in front of me. Not that I could even take a breath to have the strength to yell, "All right! Who dropped the nucleoid stink bomb!" And I wanted to turn to the people behind me and say, "I swear it's not me." But I had too much momentum going, and to stop and turn around would be risking a major collision with everyone. It was a hopeless situation. When I finally broke free from the crowd and started delivering my drinks, the first lady I came to handed me a dollar and said, "Seventy-five cents." I said, "You want a quarter back?" She said, "No, I want seventy-five cents back, you can keep a quarter." It was as if I was suspended in time as I processed this information, one hand still holding the dollar bill, the other one desperately trying to balance my still-full tray of drinks. I said, "Why don't you hold on to this, and after I bring you three more drinks you can give it to me." She thought about it, then said, "OK, that sounds great." Yeah, that sounds great. Then on my way home in the car, I was waiting at a stoplight when this bum working the corner, who comes into the casino all the time, recognized me and waved at me. I tried to ignore him but he walked right up to my window and was talking to me, saying hi, smiling and waving. All the other drivers were looking, wondering what was going on. I just covered my face and looked away, thinking, "Why me?!"

Friday, August 26, 2005

Paying your dues...

Well, it seems that my ability to find a job, although having paid off through a complete stroke of luck and chance, is still not without its faults.
Today was supposed to be the day that everyone who gets a job works for... payday. The company that i work for has some kind of outside company that they pay to do their payroll and other things of that nature. The great thing about it? That's right, they don't pay you when they're supposed to. Instead, they seem to be on some kind of lunar-modulated, sun-drenched, fire-walled, pot-stoned, calendar where they decide that by saying "the check is in the mail" they really mean "the check? what check? i know of no check? oh that check, it's in the mail."

I mean, if it were just me, i would have thought that it was more due to a clerical error perhaps, or something having to do with my unbelieveable luck in finding work and the subsequent "pay" that is supposed to come from it (if i end up not getting a check, this won't be the first time...), but it's not just me. There are several other people on the property, without whom, the place would literally fall apart, haven't gotten their paychecks either. The people who have gotten paid? My boss, and only one other person... To which obviously your question will be, "why are carrots so lazy?" Well, i don't know about that, but the other person that got paid, you guessed it, the groundskeeper, without whom, we would have to deal with the treachery of walking past leaves that have fallen off the trees (from old age, this is california afterall, they don't fall off from being cold).

So, ranting aside, i'm getting hungry, but can't afford to buy anything to eat. If you have some money, or food, consider this my proverbial cardboard sign, written with marker (where do bums get markers? that's another post), asking for food.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Young, and the Impressionable...

I've found through my infinite years (read: 24) of wisdom, i've become very impressionable through the media and advertising. I didn't used to be this way, being able to resist giving in to advertising and the attempted pursuasion of my tender and innocent mind, but somewhere along the line, it all changed. I've come to a point where i'll watch a commercial, then completely buy into it, with my newly found excitement causing me to have an unhuman level of desire for a rain gutter cleaning system (nevermind that i don't have rain gutters, i have to have it).

I went to the supermarket the other day to buy some ingredients for cookies (the cookies were my own thought), but once i got there, i went into what can only be described as a trance from which i couldn't awaken until i had bought approximately $71 (out of a total of $75) worth of ad-induced groceries. I mean, who doesn't want 8 packs of jello instant pudding? (i realize that probably the last time there was a jello pudding commercial on tv was during the reagan administration, but i never claimed that the advertising had to work immediately).

It's not just direct advertising either. Product placement is the genius brainchild of mr. placement, an advertising giant in his own mind. I was watching a movie called rounders, when i had an unbelieveable urge to eat oreos (if you've ever seen the movie, you'd understand). So of course, i had to buy some oreos, then of course i need to buy some milk. But man, that's alot of milk to drink with only oreos, so i should probably buy some cereal... Hmm, what kind of cereal should i buy? Well, you know trix are for kids (i told the clerk it was for my (inner)child), and you can't only buy trix, cuz what if you get tired of them? I should get some lucky charms too. Man, there's too many sweets here, perhaps i should counter it with some potato chips, i think i saw an ad for... yes, pringles, delish.

My tangents at the supermarket end up costing me alot of money, but can you put a price tag on happiness? It's pretty similar to the way i get distracted on the internet.

I guess my point is, thank you advertising agencies for helping me invest my money.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm just addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Monday, August 22, 2005

My extra few pounds, are full of... knowledge!

We all know him. The know-it-all fat dude. This is the dude that isn't ashamed of his fatness, in fact, embraces this fatness and in the wake of this new found pride, feels that he needs to make up for the other fat dudes that are anti-social by going way over the top.
There are several levels of how this happens, but usually, the dude is really into something that most people only have a passing interest in. There's the comic book dude that everyone's met (and if you haven't, watch the simpsons), the computer dude, and invariably, the tv dude. All these guys can spout out information that no human being should ever have at their disposal, in a condescending tone no less.
"It's common knowledge that the second assistant coloring intern for the third issue of the comic book actually had sex with a real girl."

In contrast, it's common knowledge that thin, in shape guys are complete idiots in the ways of knowledge that is "useful" and "interesting." I mean, they get all the hot girls, and are more successful based soley on their looks, but what do they really know? I mean, do they know that there was a continuity error in back to the future during the scene where marty is trying to run away from the terrorists at the mall with the odometer? I don't think so.

Every once in awhile, you find the guy who's full of awesomely useless trivia, who's also good looking and not disgustingly obese. Most people call these guys "bastards" seeing as how they know all kinds of crap, and are still super good looking. Well, i have to say here, i know who my parents are, so stop calling me a bastard! (did you like how i snuck that in there?).

It's funny how attractive people, even if they are part of the select group that are geeks on the inside, can get away with stuff that most other people can't. I mean, they can get away with acting geeky, on the basis of being good looking, but on the other hand, people who are super nice, sometimes aren't taken seriously based on their looks. I guess my point is, if you're going to be a smartass, might as well look good doing it.
And to all the proprietors of comic book stores around the country, i think you guys are all pretty cool to hang out with, and for the most part, good guys, if you don't try harder with your appearance, you'll have to imagine that the girl that you're with (who looks more like a schoolhouse than the hot teacher inside), is the animated japanese cartoon girl, which i can say through experience (not really), is unhealthy.

Let's all do our best to become attractive geeks (the master race), and stop blaming those (of us) who are already there... :)


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I had an ant farm once. Them fellas didn't grow shit!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Opposite outcome persuasion

I was recently watching tv, and saw a commercial that was expressing how many kids are overweight these days. I'll completely agree with that statement, because when i go out, i never see cute kids anymore. Let's face it, fat kids, while funny, aren't cute.

Anyway, the voiceover was talking about all of the "wrong" foods that the kids were eating, they showed a picture of all of the different types of food. Now, if this commercial is supposed to deter me from eating donughts, fried chicken, muffins, nachos, and other delicious looking foods, they haven't quite convinced me. In fact, all of a sudden, i'm hungry for some fried chicken.

(in constant search of chicken...)

Friday, August 19, 2005

J.U.T.P.(M)

People fight. This is the sad truth of our society today. There are different kinds of fighting, such as street brawling, fighting in wars, fighting for your right (to party), and fighting for other things you believe in. I'm all for people fighting for things that they think are right, but groups of people who get together to gang up on defenseless coporations and beurocracies must be stopped because it's just not fair. I mean, there are companies like kentucky fried chicken (i refuse to call it by the new crappy short name), among other restaurants, and clothing makers are trying to make it in this creul world.

Who in their right mind could be so creul as to take on defenseless (and faceless, interestingely enough), corporations? Of course i am referring to peta, otherwise known as the people for the ethical treatement of animals, or a delicious bread on which to make a falaffel.
Peta claims that kentucky fried chicken "mistreats" chickens. Um, no shit sherlock. They kill them, pull the feathers off, cut them up, fry them, and then serve them to people to consume. I guess any restaurant that does that is now all of a sudden "mistreating" the animals. What are they supposed to do? Wait until the chicken decides that it's life isn't worth living and commits suicide? Or better yet, wait for them to die of old age? How long do chickens live anyway? No one knows, because when you see a chicken, the first thought that comes into your mind is, "hey a chicken, i should go eat that." There has never been such a thing as an old chicken. There is a reason for that, and the reason is, they're delicious.

I mean, if we're not supposed to eat animals, wear animals, and use animals for upholstering our cars, what the hell is the use for animals? There's already a name for living beings that we don't use or have any care for: lawyers (sorry to my lawyer friends, but the truth hurts). Actually, if it came to be that peta won, and no one ever ate an animal ever again, or did anything creul to animals letting them run around wherever they wanted what do you think would happen? We'd be infested... with chickens. I mean, it's not bad enough that i have to pay someone to come in and spray for roaches and squirrels, i'd have to get someone to come in and spray for cows too? It seems there's also a double standard over the definition of "animals" when referring to the people for the blah blah blah of animals. I mean, most of those guys are against throwing live lobsters into a boiling pot of water, but don't really treat other forms of seafood with the same high regard that they do for the lobster. Why do lobsters get special treatment? I mean, they're not even evasive enough to avoid ending up in a plastic tank in a wal-mart, why should i give such a crap what happens to him? Besides, lobsters are the cockroaches of the sea. I mean, they're really ugly looking creatures.
But why don't the animal activists feel the same way about jellyfish? Or even to get away from seafood, why not feel the same way about insects? "They're not animals" many people would say, but what's the criteria? According to the laws of science (and you don't want to break the LAW, do you?), insects and lobsters are in the same phylum arthropoda, which is in the kingdom of animalia.

There is also a high level of "look the other way" syndrome. I mean, while animal activists might want to stop animal testing, i wonder how many of these activists use drugs and treatments that were found thanks to testing on mice? In that case, if you're an animal activist, how bout not using any drugs that were developed through animal research (you'd be surprised how many drugs were...), and see how you feel...

Actually, i have a new idea for a reality tv show. Let's put a huge group of peta members in a kind of venue where people can spectate, for argument's sake, we'll call this venue a "stadium" and we'll release a bunch of the animals that they so fiercely protect into the "stadium" with them, and see how they act. At this point, most people would think, "well, they'll get along with the dogs and cats fine" but how about some spiders, pumas, gators, and oh yeah, sharks (we might have to have a separate tank i guess, but definately have some shark fin soup after it's all said and done).

After a bit of that, i have decided to make my own group... That's right, jutp(m) (jon for the unkind treatement of peta (members)). The whole stadium thing could be funded by jutp(m)... it'd be great.

In keeping with the theme of this post, i decided to stray a bit, and offer a quote from another comic i think is hilarious, because he had a quote that goes well with today's theme.
Here is Ron White's QotD:

A freind of mine once told me that he was a vegitarian. But he said that it wasn't because he was against killing helpless animals, he said that it was because of cattle farms and the harm that raising cattle does to the enviornment. My freind said "Ron, what are you doing for the enviornment?" I said... I'm eating the cows, but I'm only ONE MAN

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Fun Days Ahead...

People have different names for different days. For example:

Sunday - "church day" for most folks, "football day" for others, "another day of sitting around and not doing any work or anything productive of any kind day" to... er... other people.

Monday - "beginning of the work week day," "official end of weekend day," "another day of sitting around..." er, you get the idea.

Tuesday - actually, i can't really think of anything that people call tuesdays...

Wednesday - the ever-so-popular "hump day," the "so not pronounced like it's spelled day," the "i've been working for 3 days and it's still only wednesday?!?! day"

Thursday - used to be "must see tv day" but now it's "nothing to watch on tv day"

Friday - now, alot of people call this day "TGIF," with the cleverly named restaurant proclaiming, "don't you wish every day were friday?" NO!... because if everyday were friday, you'd NEVER HAVE A DAY OFF!!! I mean, think about it, if i had to choose a day for everyday to be, it'd be SATURDAY... -> *segues into...

Saturday - i don't know what other people call it, but i call it "freaking hurry up and be football season!!!!" day. This is the day that i dread the most during the off-season, because it just reminds me of how much i'm NOT watching football.

I propose, we all take a week to just throw caution to the wind (make sure you watch out for power lines), let your hair down, and change the names of the days of the week. I have more interesting names anyway. Like, "DoP" "DoE" "DoW" "DoA" "DoS" "DoG" "DoL"
What do these days stand for you ask? Well, i'm glad you... um... asked...

Day of Pride, Day of Envy, Day of Wrath, Day of Avarice, Day of Sloth, Day of Gluttony, and Day of Lust. Doesn't that sound like more fun? I mean, we could go ahead and make wednesday the day of lust (hump day, get it?), and the like....

There are other days that have benefits as well.
The day of gluttony would be a good day to work at a restaurant...
The day of pride would be a good next day to feel good about how much you ate at that buffet the night before...
The day of envy would be a natural extention of that day, like "damn, that guy ate 25 plates trumping my 24"
The day of wrath would come next, where you would go assult that guy who ate the 25 plates...
The day of lust could come next, good times for motel owners who didn't eat too many plates (thus getting killed)
The day of sloth (smoking the cigarettes after all the lusting)
The day of avarice, otherwise known as greed, which fits very well back into the day of gluttony, where the beautiful cycle restarts...

I leave you with this thought... Seven days of the week, seven deadly sins... coincidence? I think not.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Inventions...

Quite possibly, the greatest invention in the world...

You guessed it, the chip clip...

I recently was cleaning up my place (which doesn't happen often), where i came across a bag of old corn chips (due to copyright laws, i can only tell you that it starts with a "t" ends with an "s" and "ostito" in the middle). Anyway, i found this bag, still half full (ever the optomist am i), and upon looking at the date, saw that it was only 3 months past the guaranteed fresh date. At this point, i'll say, that either the chip clip works really well, or that tostitos are way too conservative with the guarantee. You be the judge.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Average jon...

Amidst all these shows lately about "average" dudes getting together with attractive girls, i've decided to, you guessed it, write a post about it.

It makes for decent tv, because it's nice to see average looking dudes have a chance to make out with some decently attractive girls (Beauty and the Geek style), but we all know that nothing's gonna really happen with that in the future. I mean, yeah, everyone "bears their soul" after the show saying that "oh, i learned so much from the dorks and i've found that they're not so different from the guys i normally date, except that they have jobs that don't require asking if you want fries, and can count past 4," but we all know that as soon as the cameras stop rolling, they're off gettin it on with the bouncer at the club that just rejected the entire male half of the cast from getting into the latent-homo-erotic club where they... um... "bounce."

It gets pretty pathetic at times as well, watching these guys, who quite frankly seem pretty nice and genuine, swoon over some girl who quite frankly, couldn't find her way out of a building with doors that swing inward. I feel bad for the average dudes, who only want to know what it's like to bone a girl that weighs less than them, without having to pay for it. I say to the hot girls: donate a little booty to your local "average" dude, and he'll do anything for you for the rest of your life. Sweet deal.
I mean, alot of people think it's unfair that the average looking dude, or the geeky guy never gets the hot girl, who is always attracted to looks rather than brains, but the fact of the matter is, that's the way it's been, and that's the way it'll always be. I have to say here to all the geeky and average guys out there, sorry for taking all your dream women... hehehe...

I have to say here, that there actually has been one instance now where the "average" dude has beaten out the "hunky" guy, and that was on the season finale of the latest incarnation of Average Joe. This girl was actually relatively level-headed about the experience realizing that money is better than looks, a smart one she is.

There isn't a problem with the fact that average dudes don't get the hot girls i guess, because if that happened, eventually, all the hot genes would go away, and there would only be a whole world of average people running around. They already have a name for that: canada. The only problem with the subesquent breeding habits of hot women with hot men is that, as a general rule, serve to create a large population of gorgeous, yet, unbelievably stupid people.
The world's smartest people will inevitably be totally plain looking, and so smart that they will not want to mate with a woman who looks exactly like himself, and will eventually die out. Can you see the potential catastrophe that is emerging here?
Eventually also, the uber-hot race will be so enthralled with their own looks that they won't have any time to breed, or forget how to, whichever comes first, and thus will spell the end of humanity as we know it aside from a few pockets of people in what's collectively known as the "mid-west," a relatively fictional place that supposedly exists between new york and los angeles.

So i say to you here: if you don't want the future of the human race to just be a bunch of "folks" from nebraska, try to do it with a hot person, if you're ugly, and vice versa.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I like buying snacks from the vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery store, i'll drop a candy bar so that it reaches it's maximum flavor potential.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Pizza Hutting out of control...

Pizza Hut has recently unveiled it's twisty crust, breadstick pizza. This was the next logical step after the three cheese heart disease (catchy name, rhymes too), pizza, the 12 meat pizza, and the ever-so-popular, triple decker pizza.
Alot of other pizza places have "gimmick" pizzas, but for the most part, are still... pizzas. Pizza Hut has gotten a bit out of control, leaning away from the "pizza" side of their namesake, and torpedoed directly toward whatever "hut" is. Assuming the "Hut" part of the name is what we all know and love, the adorable shantys made from mud and twigs, then yes, that is exactly what pizza hut is striving for.

Why can't the creative forces of the pizza hut corporation be more confident in themselves? I guess they feel like they are no good at making pizza, and are instead trying to cover it up with other distractions along the way. "Look, a shoe! (with pizza), or hey, that pizza has MONEY in the crust." Where will it end?

Soon, they're going to unveil the "plywood pizza." The ad campaign will sound something like this:
"Why build that addition to your house with wood from the home depot when you can get wood with 45 different melty cheeses on it, along with your favorite 38 other toppings (now including dog poo), and best of all, you can live in the leftovers!"

Places like papa john's have just strived forward using different toppings as their main draw. So much so that they're biggest unveiling was that of, gasp, THIN crust pizza (i hope you enjoyed that juxtaposition of me writing the word "thin" in capital letters as to make them appear fatter). Dominos isn't really dressing their pizza up at all, but are at least adding interesting side items to their menu (i can personally attest to the deliciocity [the verb form of delicious] of the buffalo wings and the cinna stix).

Pizza hut, take a page from the books of your competitors who are decimating you in the disc-like-foodstuff-delivery-business: be yourself. Not to the point where you're gonna put huts on your pizza (except the little barbie tables in the middle of the pizza, what ever happened to those?). Have more confidence, pizza hut, re-open your damn dining rooms (i used to love going to the pizza hut when i was a kid, playing video games, and having a great time), and stop putting crap in the crust (i don't wanna eat the crust anyway, i mean, it's a handle, i've been touching it, with my hands, you know how unsanitary that is?). Follow my instructions, brave pizza chain, and you shall once again, become a place where i will go to play video games and pee on the toilet seat.

Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I think bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. There's a big out of focus monster roaming the countryside, and that's even scarier.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

This Place?

Does anyone come here anymore?
I mean, i work pretty dang hard to bring you joy and entertainment, but i guess if no one comes here, i'm not really bringing any joy or entertainment of any kind to anybody. For the 2 (±1) loyal readers, thanks...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cinematography issues...

I just have one question for you:
why is it that the people who make sex tapes are the absolute worst camera operators on the face of the planet?

I mean, i enjoy a pirated sex tape of a celebrity as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is, that these people who are making the tapes can't seem to operate a camera in much the same way as they can't seem to operate their women. Can't turn either of them on properly, and can't keep either of them focused.

I've studied extensively (for pure academic purposes), many of the sex tapes that are going around the internet, and i have to say that the only director that would be happy with the level of cinematography would probably be the guy who directed the blair witch project otherwise known as terror in theaters, the revenge of seizureland. I mean, is it too much to ask to invest in a tripod? And if so, would it be too much to ask that the lights are turned on, paris?

I say to you here and now, any hot celebrity that wants to make a sex tape, i will gladly lend my superior camera wrangling services to you at the cheap cost of making a shaky sex tape with me once you're done (or preferably, before you make the other one... even i have standards). I have excellent credentials, being a true student of porn (not to be confused with pork tenderloin), know the difference between what people want to see (the action), and what they don't want to see (the dude's face in any way shape or form).

To all the loyal readers of this blog, if you are, or happen to know any hot celebrities wanting to make a sex tape, stand up for your right to see a properly made sex tape, and not some shaky, glow-in-the-dark ripoff of your time (downloading) and effort (downloading) these tapes, and hire me to do the dirty work for you or your hot celeb friends.

With that, i announce my candidacy for the presidency of these united states.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minbar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they can check it off, but they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store and as, "Do you have coke, in a glass harmonica?... Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

When you're just too cool...

To use your own damn name.
Generally, you won't find too many people using pseudo names, aside from the occasional changing of the last name of actors, or some pop stars that might use their middle names or what not, but there is a rampant exlposion of people that are just way too cool to use the names their mothers, who carried them for nine months (sometimes whilst on crack), gave them.

I'm talking of course, about rappers...
Now, i realize that i've been pretty hard on the rappers over the past few days, but look at this list, and tell me how you feel afterwards...

  • ?uestlove (pretty cool name there using punctuation) - Ahmir-Khalib Thompson
  • 50 Cent - Curtis Jackson
  • Ashanti (now, she's just using her first name, but..) - Ashanti Shaquoya Douglas (one of those names doesn't fit)
  • Chingy - Howard Bailey Jr. (not quite the intimidation factor i guess)
  • Chuck D - Carlton Ridenhour (i was disappointed that he had to make up... a LETTER)
  • DMX - Earl Simmons (earl's about to lose his mind, up in here...)
  • Gangsta Boo - Lola Mitchell (lola, gangsta, same difference if you ask me)
  • Ice Cube - Oshea Jackson (i never knew cube was irish)
  • Jay-Z - Shawn Carter (you can't spell shawn or carter with a J and a Z... wait, yes you can)
  • Lil' Romeo - Percy Romeo Miller (i guess it helps to have Master P as your dad, looking out for your career when you're being named)
  • Q-Tip - Jonathan Davis (contrary to popular belief, not the lead singer of KoRn)
  • R. Kelly - Robert Kelly (real original there buddy)
In my effort to learn from these brilliant minds of our generation, i shall henceforth be known as: TAGWUTBNJBIABHWAHUN (the asian guy who used to be named jon but isn't anymore because he wanted a hip urban name). Hey, it might not roll off the tongue, but at least it has meaning.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Over/Under

What's Overrated? More importantly, what's Underrated? I'll tell you...

The Over
  • "Clean" air
  • Education
  • Big genitalia (damnit)

The Under
  • Small genitalia (damn straight)
  • Flesh eating bacteria
  • Geeky girls (they're sexy)

There you have it. Enjoy the pudding.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Discovery Landing

Well, i couldn't see anything, because there was too much fog... but i heard the sonic booms... it scared the shit out of me... almost literally, but fortunately, i was able to control my bowels...

Boom Boom in quick succession...
not quite as freaky as an earthquake, but due to the anticipation, a bit freaky...

Charitable slogans, DECODED...

I was watching tv the other day, and i saw a commercial for a charity fund to help starving kids in third world countries. Now, being quite the philanthropist myself (read: i gave the scary looking dude who smeared my window with his squeegee a dollar so he wouldn't shoot me), i was naturally intrigued at how i, inquisitive commercial watcher, could help.
I was enthralled by the good work these fat spokesmen were doing to help save these poor starving people, that is, until my universal bullshit translator kicked in. Like the good salesman that i am, i was able to sift past the hype and get to the "center" of the story (note: for those unfamiliar with the term, "center" is a writer's term meaning, "middle of").
The commercial said: "help these poor, starving people with your generous donation."
Translation: "let's give these horny bastards some money."

I mean, think about it. Why are there so many starving kids? Because their lazy parents won't stop humping long enough to find jobs. I can't blame the parents i guess, if i had the choice between having only a couple of kids, working my ass off to give them good educations, and the occasional snack pack, or staying at home, humping all kinds of women, and sitting back while fat foreigners swooped in, fed, bathed and clothed my kids for me, i'd probably choose playing video games all day (i realize that wasn't one of the choices, but after i wrote the previous sentence, i realized that there was in fact a better alternative).

And so, being the great humanitarian i am (as can be evidenced by my multiple humanitarian of the year awards, otherwise known as empty soda cans), i have devised a solution that could kill two birds with one stone (although if you've ever tried to kill even one bird with a stone, you'll find that it's fucking impossible). Let's pay the 4 cents a day, to spay and neuter the parents. I know as soon as you read that, you said to yourself, "GENIUS!" On top of that, we can televise the whole event. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see that great reality show.
"Today, one of these lucky men, will have their balls summarily cut off by a blind monkey with a hacksaw, who'll be the lucky winner?"
Just in case you're having trouble following my counting, bird 1: curbing the breeding, bird 2: using the television proceeds to feed the kids (which even i'll agree, deserve... food).

So in conclusion (the best way to end a paper, as evidenced by my english teacher's constant circling of the phrase in red ink as to show her approval), don't let horny poor people breed.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I bought a doughnut the other day and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you the money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Wait no, it's at home... in the file... under 'D' for doughnut."

Monday, August 08, 2005

The plight of the poor musician...

There is a group of people in the world that deserve our sympathy and sorrow. Of course, i'm talking about multi-million dollar musicians. I mean, these guys who play music for a living, who get to have sex with all kinds of groupies, drink beer on the job, and whose biggest complaints are that there aren't enough blue m&m's in their dressing rooms. The very definition of poverty i say. I understand that creativity is difficult (as can be evidenced by this blog), and that it's hard to make a good record, and that record companies take a huge cut of the profits from the musicians (because the record companies don't deserve it if you take out the parts about, scouting them, signing them, renting equipment, studio space, equipment, designing cover art, promoting the record, producing the cds, putting up with all the bullshit that the artists come up with throughout the shoot, paying for their hotels and meals, and taking the hits for all the bands that flop). But why can't they all collectively come up with a new and innovative approach to making money and at the same time keeping their fans happy?

This unbelievable innovative approach for musicians of course, is something so new, so novel as to create ripples in the music industry, nay the world? Touring.
Why don't musicians tour anymore? They want to make all their money from a week spent in a recording studio. Basically, they want to be musical actors. Now, i'll actually have to defend actors here by saying that actors do their work over a period of a week to several months, then the directors, producers and what not do the post-production, much like musicians, but that's where the similarities end. I mean, how many people would pay hundreds of bucks to go to an arena and watch an actor re-enact scenes from their hit movies? No one wants that, people want to see musicians play music. Is that too much to ask?
Who doesn't like going to concerts? I love the excitement that builds, suffering through crappy opening acts (i think bands purposely pick really crappy acts as to make theirs seem that much better), and then that curtain dropping, and the music blaring. When it's all said and done, i like that feeling of not being able to hear anything anyone else is saying. Call me a romantic, but i like the stale beer and cigarette smoke smell my clothes have for months after the concert (although some people would call this "an unwillingness to wash my clothes," i like to call it "olfactory memory preservation").

But no, we can't tour, we're too busy buying huge houses and cars, and losing any motivation that we used to have to write good music, and instead will now write about the pain and anguish of having to choose what country the marble for our flooring should come from, essentially, turning into rappers.

So i say to you, musicians, stop the bitching, and i'll see you at the arena where i won't be able to see your damn show anyway because the tickets cost roughly what i spent on my college education.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We won't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The envelope won't seal, the stamps will be in the wrong denomination, and the mailman will get shot to death. Good luck Fucker!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

The Presidential Speechalist...

This is a pretty funny video...
Click me please?

Friday, August 05, 2005

PETophiles

Occasionally, when i used to live in a city where i actually knew people, i would go to my friends' homes to hang out. It was always nice, hanging out with them, but more fun would be hanging out with their pets, because let's face it, animals are more interesting than people.

The only thing that i don't really like is when people give their pets human names. I mean, it's one thing for a dog to be named spot (much to the chagrin of the 14 people in the world named "spot"), but i don't know about naming your dog Tom. It always serves for interesting "passer-by" theater wherein people walking past my friends' apartments get treated to what can only be described as "we'd better get the hell away from this apartment" sounds.
(it should be mentioned here that perhaps there is something wrong with talking to your pets in the first place, seeing as how the only language they understand is when you sniff, then lick their poop-chutes, but anyway...)

example:
"Tom, i thought i told you, you're not allowed on the couch!"
"Damnit Tom, STOP shitting on the carpet!"
or "Tom, STOP eating your shit!"
"Tom, stop humping my leg!"
"Don't lick your stitches Tom!"
Although i have to say, if i had the flexibility of a dog... well, let's just say, i wouldn't have a dry stitch on my body.

Cats are pretty cool, cuz they've got their own thing going on, they're smart enough to poop in a box then cover it up, and honestly couldn't give a crap if you had bacon down your pants or not (i've had a few bad experiences, let me tell you, dogs and inside-the-pants bacon transporters do not mix). My only problem with cats? You guessed it, you can't kill the little bastards. I threw one out the window once, only to have it hop on the elevator, knock on my door, come back in to the house, and poop in it's box as if nothing ever happened. Little punk, next time i'm gonna replace his catnip with pot, that'll show him.

Now, on to the worst part of pet ownership, the owners. I know that i said earlier that alot of these pet owners were friends of mine, but perhaps i was too quick to use the word "friends" there. Of course, my real intention was to say "crazy bastard people that i know who spend more money on their pets in a month than i spend feeding myself for an entire semester." Sure i like playing with pets... Other people's pets. I'm not stupid enough to get one for myself. Being at the beck-and-call of an animal that doesn't even walk upright, let alone have the common courtesy to wipe it's own ass after it takes a dump on my couch (and licking it's ass doesn't count as "cleaning" because i don't wipe my ass, then wipe the toilet paper all over your face to say that i'm happy to see you).

These freaky pet-owners (read: all pet owners) tend to feel like their pets are their children. Call me old fashioned, but if i held a baby in my womb for nine months, and a hairy ball of fuzz dropped out in the shape of a cat, i'd be pretty freakin pissed. When i was a kid and had a stomach ache, or if i turned strange shades of purple, my mom wouldn't be phased, making me get dressed and go to school (12 years perfect attendance in school, even though i can't say for sure that it wasn't my fault some of the other kids missed a few days here and there because of me). On the other hand, pet owners will fly their pets via private jet to a diamond encrusted "vet" (which is latin for "fake doctor"), only to find out that the pet is having indigestion from not eating the REALLY expensive brand of caviar.

I'll just say, i like my dogs one of two ways. Living in someone else's house, so that i can leave whenever i get tired of walking in puddles of piss, and in a bowl with delicious vegetables and side dishes (i am korean after all).




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread? That stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Creative Rap Instructions, and other oxymorons...

So, it seems like there is a certain lack of creativity in the rap (for the older folks like myself, otherwise known to the kids as "hip-hop") community. I'm not talking about the raps themselves, as it seems to be an interesting skill to come up with 30 different words that rhyme with bently on the fly, but instead, am talking about crowd instructions.
When you watch rappers on tv or in concerts (generally i get my fill of concerts on tv too, for fear of my life), you get what i like to call, the "guy who can't really rap, but is there for moral support and crowd instructions" dude. Now this guy, who we'll call GWCRRBITFMSACID for short, takes it upon himself to dole out instructions to the crowd of what to do next.
Usually it falls within the following 3 categories:
1) Throw your hands in the air (as if you didn't care) - which i guess is fine and everything, but i've never had a moment where i just walked around with my hands in the air without a care in the world...
2) Say "yeah," (repeat), say "hell yeah" now everybody "scream" - if everyone actually followed the instructions to the letter, concerts would sound more like that one summer when i went to the beach and took my shirt off (i don't like to talk about it, but there was alot of screaming).
3) "Go buy our new record in stores now" - now, if i were a GWCRRBITFMSACID, i would clarify the dangling modifier by saying that the record is in stores now, and to not go now, because we're doing a concert. Perhaps my penchant for grammar is why the yin-yang twins haven't called me back about the job yet.

I'm all about talking up your own accomplishments, and showing off what i have that you don't have (read: a sweet collection of soda-can mold), but i really could care less what you have. Which logically serves to prove how much i couldn't give a flying piece of fish turd how many cars a rapper might have. You can only drive one car at a time, how many do i need? I guess that's a bit hypocritical of me though, not because i have more than one car, but because i have previously tried to justify my need for 17 refrigerators (they've got the turbocharged motors too, chicken goes from raw to murder weapon in less than 3 seconds).

You know what i do envy about rappers though? Having a set of platinum teeth. I wish i could pull this look off, but damnit being a part of the "quiet and reserved" race. A set of platinum teeth are the ultimate way to impress your friends. I've been working on combining the car craze with the tooth craze by creating a set of HID teeth, wherein my smile could literally light my way, whilst simultaneously taking the focus off of my ugly face (see sidebar).

I've always wondered what the attraction was with the "booty girls" that are always featured on the videos. I'm not a big fan of girls with big butts, as they only serve as blockades to the fortress, with which my pistol's rounds can't reach due to their distance. Watching the videos, i have come to the conclusion that the only benefit of having a hip-hop booty girl is the fact that none of them seem to be empowered with the ability to speak. At this point, there are women around the world sighing a collective sigh of disdain for my comment, but as long as they don't follow it up with alot of chatter about it, i'm cool.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Over/Under

My weekly list of things that are overrated and underrated...

The Over
  • "Paying" for gas
  • "Expiration" dates on dairy products
  • Energy "Conservation

The Under
  • Kicking stray animals
  • Fudgesicles
  • Antidepressants (eat that Cruise)

There it is, enjoy your day and eat more mexicans.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Lose some weight, become annoying...

I don't claim to know him before he lost all his weight and gained all his fame, but i for one, wouldn't mind too much if a certain former fatty would shut the hell up.

Look at that picture... Doesn't fatty Jared Fogle look like a nice guy? He looks like the kind of guy whose house you'd go to for a LAN party. The best kind of host too, one who has every ben and jerry's flavor and all off the different delicious varieties of little debbie snack cakes. I like ben and jerry's , i like little debbies, and damnit, i like fat jared. I'll bet everyone loved fat jared. He was all jovial and funny, not afraid to poke fun at himself... until one day (+a year), he became....

"Skinny Bastard" Jared. Now, the name doesn't even really fit him, because he might have lost the weight of new hampshire, but he's still not what i would consider "skinny." But "sorta average sized bastard" jared doesn't roll off the tongue as well (barely). I guess i'm happy for him, except to say that if i went to his house now, he wouldn't have any of the many varieties of little debbies, but there seems to have been a terrible side effect of him losing all of his weight: he can't shut the hell up. It seems that fat molecules inherently contain some sort of speech-suppression mechanism, which no longer exist now that all of the fat has gone away. Now he has to tell the whole world about how he lost the weight, and about how chicken should taste like chicken, but the chicken at mcdonald's doesn't really taste like chicken, and if that's what you thought chicken tasted like, you don't know what chicken was really supposed to taste like even though everything apparently tastes like chicken.

What really gets me mad about the situation really isn't even jared... It's the minions that try to follow in his footsteps (although not literally), because at least jared walked to the subway to get his delicious chicken-that's-been-sitting-in-the-cold-tray-until-someone-orders-it-then-nuke-it-for-a-few-seconds sandwich, while the people who are subscribing to the subway diet think "oh man, i can lose the weight of a small family of buffalo if i eat subway all day too!" The only problem being that they eat approximately 8 yards worth of sandwich a day, complete with 14 gallons of mayo (which jared accuses mcdonalds of using), some healthy processed cheese, and some cookies, all the while driving themselves to the subway in their abrams tanks that get approximately 18 gallons to the mile (they normally get about 40 miles per gallon, but lose efficiency due to heavy loads).

As far as i'm concerned, i like fatty foods. Fat is what tastes good. Ever had a really lean steak? Tastes like crap. Ever had a really fatty steak with lots of marbling in the meat (little specs of fat all over the entire grain)? The only comparison would be if you could eat, bliss.
Fat is good, that's why mcdonalds fries used to be good, they used to fry them in pure beef lard, and now, only 1-5% thus, only 1-5% delicious.

So to all the subway zombies, (and jared) i bring you this message, on the sign of a micky d's:





Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
Foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Foosball really fucked up my perception of soccer though because I thought after you kicked the ball, you had to spin round and round. I can't do a backflip. Let alone several... simultaneously with two other guys... who look just like me.

Monday, August 01, 2005

The Quest for Intelligence...

Through my years of research as a licensed researcher of things that are mundane and ridiculous, it turns out that in order to be well respected and admired by your family and peers, there are only a few things one needs.

Of course, people at this point would think "brains, and a good degree." To which i reply: WRONG! I mean, brains help, but only to the point where you would be able to reach the same conclusion as i have in my unwavering quest to be considered the "smartest guy" within my circle of friends. What really DOES help is a wallet, but not in the way that most people would interpret that statement. I'm not saying that you have to be rich for people to respect and admire you (although by no means, does it hurt), but instead, you need a wallet to be able to pull out a piece of plastic, go online and buy the one thing that all successful and respected people (lawyers and doctors in asian families) have in common:

Books that come in volumes. "Of course!" you say to yourself now. I have to amend the previous statement by saying, not any set of books that come in volumes would work (The complete collection of Harry Potter books, for example, while being impressive to a 9-year old, probably wouldn't fly to solidify your place as someone who could give out advice on which mutual fund to buy, and why they should avoid red meat).

Doctors generally only have a few books that come in volumes, but make up for the quantity through sheer mass. The last time i was in a doctor's office (sometime during the 80s), i was enthralled by the fact that they had books there that couldn't possibly have been filled with relevant information simply due to the sheer size of them. I fully expected that if i ever opened up one of the books, the middle 1000 or so pages would just be the word "hypoanalgesic" over and over again.

Lawyers on the other hand, always have rather impressive collections of books that come in volumes. Many times, the value of the books are increased by studding diamonds in the spines of the books, where if you arrange them in the proper order, spell out "P Diddy" interestingly enough. (I'm pretty sure it's a special order item through Sean John)
So here i say to all the followers of school and education: over(clap clap)rated (clap, clap). Just go out and buy yourself some fancy books, or even better, go to any university library, check out a whole set of these babies, and skip town... take that, LAW.

A final quick tip for those who want to appear intelligent, yet still retain the flavor of frugality: if you can't afford a big set of law books, encyclopedias work as long as you etch out the word "encyclopedia" from the back of it and replace it with "expensive law books." That, and you need to buy a smoking jacket, and a pipe, the smart man's tobacco vessel.


Mitch Hedberg's
QotD:

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


 


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