The Reality of Reality TV...

There has become an epidemic in this country, which is worse than any disease could have ever been (worse than the plague, smallpox, even... Paula Abdul)... what is this terrible disease that i speak of? That's right, reality TV.

Now, for all the people that grew up in my generation (aptly named the MTV generation), we all know that the Real World was the first "reality tv" that is, if you don't count Gilligan's Island, a microcosm of what the world had become in that day and age, with society being stranded on the proverbial island of indecision and uncertainty.

But i digress... the world of reality TV has gotten out of hand. Let's have a quick rundown, should we?
The Real World is now on Season 16, aptly named, "The Real World, Season 16" a far cry from season 3, where we all got to grapple with the "real world" (did you like that?) of AIDS, remember Pedro? I watched the entire season 4 in London, hoping for more drama... but they were a little too "real," being all nice and crap... (A little side note, i was on the same plane 2 rows behind puck and ruthie once on a flight to vegas).

Now, if we are to believe "reality tv," we would all believe that reality includes people that look like the people on these shows. True, i suppose at some point, these people do exist, but i still feel that it's probably along the same lines as the "moon landing" or "Angelina Jolie," created in the basement of some geek on his computer. Even the shows like Average Joe attempt to show people who are "average" but most of the "average" people that i know, don't have millions of dollars, only to be turned away by a fairly attractive girl for some good looking waitor. (Reference to the first season of Average Joe)

I have to say, the only reality based programming that i can admit to watching with a certain guilty pleasure was Beauty and the Geek. I didn't think any of the girls were particularly all that attractive, but it was kind of cool to watch soroity girls try to do math in their heads. "Hmm, these pants plus the price of pants, is the same as the amount that I paid per day for my 'sisters' to hang out with me in the whor... i mean, soroity house." But actually, the girls seemed pretty nice.

OK, back to my rant. Here's just a sampling of some of the reality shows that are on TV. I was going to put them in aphabetical order, but i'll put them in order of network affiliation in order to highlight a glaring disparity as far as rediculousness goes...




ABC (the network named by then 3-year old Michael Jackson)

"All American Girl" - apparently about girls that are capitalists and the world's policemen, but with XX genes..
"The Bachelor" - instant booty for the lucky bastard chosen
"The Bachelorette" - because it's really hard for girls to find booty by going out and asking any random guy on the street
"Dancing With the Stars" - a show in which people dance with large balls of flaming gas
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" - where obese houses get tummy tucks and breast impants
"The Mole" - life and times of a discolored skin irregularity
"Wife Swap" - now being shown on Playboy TV, with much more interesting results





CBS (that eye is staring at me, and quite frankly, freaking me out)


"Big Brother: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6" - prejudiced toward only children, x6
"Survivor: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12" - a show in which people are set in a room and shown countless episodes of the show, the winner being the person who doesn't bludgeon their own eyes out
"Real Beverly Hillbillies" - real? wth? you mean the other show wasn't?









"Destination Space" - i'll watch this one if the winner gets shot into space... sans rocket or space suit
"Dog Eat Dog" - an almost korean reality show, except it's not called "Bob Eats Dog"
"Hit Me Baby One More Time" - a show about battered women perhaps?
"I Wanna be a Hilton" - and have incestual relations with my sister
"Next Action Star" - where contestants learn how to speak broken, badly pronounced English
"Race to the Altar" - a race where women have a decided advantage
"Second Change: The Most Talented Senior" - this week's episode, "Who can eat applesauce and still go to the bathroom"
"Tommy Lee Goes To College" - i shit you not, that's a real one
"Who Wants to Marry My Dad?" - not me.









I'll combine a few here,
"House Rules" "The Mansion" "Minding the Store" - apparently tbs is a little stuck up on structures... not seemingly that exciting








"The Ashlee Simpson Show" - where we learn how to lipsynch like the stars
"Fraternity Life" - how much would it cost to hang out with THOSE guys in THAT house?
"I Want A Famous Face" - for people too stuck up to wear paper cutouts like we did back in the good ole days
"My Super Sweet 16" - if my daughter ever asks like that? 3 words: post birth abortion







"Anything for Love" - i'd watch if it was anything for a piece of jon's booty
"Bachelorettes in Alaska" - is it cold in here? or...
"Invasion of Hidden Cameras" - tune in for the Bowel Cam
"I Want A Divorce" - and i want to kill myself
The next few, fit into the category of... "what in the f..."
"The Littlest Groom"
"Married By America"
"Miss Dog Beauty Pagent"
"My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss/Fiance" (sometimes indistinguishable)
"Renovate My Family"
"Search For A Playboy Centerfold" (otherwise known as "take it off to get on tv?")
"Trading Spouses" (sort of like "Trading Spaces" but the spaces are more interesting)
"Who's Your Daddy"
"Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire"

I don't know what FOX stands for, but perhaps it's F'ed up On Xtacy describing the people who came up with the ideas for all of these wonderful shows.

I apologize for the length of this post, but no one's reading it anyway...

Now, for a new feature, the Mitch Hedberg Quote of the Day...

"I did an interview for XM radio, they said I could swear on XM radio"
"I said 'no shit, cuz no one can hear it'"
"You can swear in the woods too"