Lose some weight, become annoying...
I don't claim to know him before he lost all his weight and gained all his fame, but i for one, wouldn't mind too much if a certain former fatty would shut the hell up.
Look at that picture... Doesn't fatty Jared Fogle look like a nice guy? He looks like the kind of guy whose house you'd go to for a LAN party. The best kind of host too, one who has every ben and jerry's flavor and all off the different delicious varieties of little debbie snack cakes. I like ben and jerry's , i like little debbies, and damnit, i like fat jared. I'll bet everyone loved fat jared. He was all jovial and funny, not afraid to poke fun at himself... until one day (+a year), he became....
"Skinny Bastard" Jared. Now, the name doesn't even really fit him, because he might have lost the weight of new hampshire, but he's still not what i would consider "skinny." But "sorta average sized bastard" jared doesn't roll off the tongue as well (barely). I guess i'm happy for him, except to say that if i went to his house now, he wouldn't have any of the many varieties of little debbies, but there seems to have been a terrible side effect of him losing all of his weight: he can't shut the hell up. It seems that fat molecules inherently contain some sort of speech-suppression mechanism, which no longer exist now that all of the fat has gone away. Now he has to tell the whole world about how he lost the weight, and about how chicken should taste like chicken, but the chicken at mcdonald's doesn't really taste like chicken, and if that's what you thought chicken tasted like, you don't know what chicken was really supposed to taste like even though everything apparently tastes like chicken.
What really gets me mad about the situation really isn't even jared... It's the minions that try to follow in his footsteps (although not literally), because at least jared walked to the subway to get his delicious chicken-that's-been-sitting-in-the-cold-tray-until-someone-orders-it-then-nuke-it-for-a-few-seconds sandwich, while the people who are subscribing to the subway diet think "oh man, i can lose the weight of a small family of buffalo if i eat subway all day too!" The only problem being that they eat approximately 8 yards worth of sandwich a day, complete with 14 gallons of mayo (which jared accuses mcdonalds of using), some healthy processed cheese, and some cookies, all the while driving themselves to the subway in their abrams tanks that get approximately 18 gallons to the mile (they normally get about 40 miles per gallon, but lose efficiency due to heavy loads).
As far as i'm concerned, i like fatty foods. Fat is what tastes good. Ever had a really lean steak? Tastes like crap. Ever had a really fatty steak with lots of marbling in the meat (little specs of fat all over the entire grain)? The only comparison would be if you could eat, bliss.
Fat is good, that's why mcdonalds fries used to be good, they used to fry them in pure beef lard, and now, only 1-5% thus, only 1-5% delicious.
So to all the subway zombies, (and jared) i bring you this message, on the sign of a micky d's:
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
Look at that picture... Doesn't fatty Jared Fogle look like a nice guy? He looks like the kind of guy whose house you'd go to for a LAN party. The best kind of host too, one who has every ben and jerry's flavor and all off the different delicious varieties of little debbie snack cakes. I like ben and jerry's , i like little debbies, and damnit, i like fat jared. I'll bet everyone loved fat jared. He was all jovial and funny, not afraid to poke fun at himself... until one day (+a year), he became....
"Skinny Bastard" Jared. Now, the name doesn't even really fit him, because he might have lost the weight of new hampshire, but he's still not what i would consider "skinny." But "sorta average sized bastard" jared doesn't roll off the tongue as well (barely). I guess i'm happy for him, except to say that if i went to his house now, he wouldn't have any of the many varieties of little debbies, but there seems to have been a terrible side effect of him losing all of his weight: he can't shut the hell up. It seems that fat molecules inherently contain some sort of speech-suppression mechanism, which no longer exist now that all of the fat has gone away. Now he has to tell the whole world about how he lost the weight, and about how chicken should taste like chicken, but the chicken at mcdonald's doesn't really taste like chicken, and if that's what you thought chicken tasted like, you don't know what chicken was really supposed to taste like even though everything apparently tastes like chicken.What really gets me mad about the situation really isn't even jared... It's the minions that try to follow in his footsteps (although not literally), because at least jared walked to the subway to get his delicious chicken-that's-been-sitting-in-the-cold-tray-until-someone-orders-it-then-nuke-it-for-a-few-seconds sandwich, while the people who are subscribing to the subway diet think "oh man, i can lose the weight of a small family of buffalo if i eat subway all day too!" The only problem being that they eat approximately 8 yards worth of sandwich a day, complete with 14 gallons of mayo (which jared accuses mcdonalds of using), some healthy processed cheese, and some cookies, all the while driving themselves to the subway in their abrams tanks that get approximately 18 gallons to the mile (they normally get about 40 miles per gallon, but lose efficiency due to heavy loads).
As far as i'm concerned, i like fatty foods. Fat is what tastes good. Ever had a really lean steak? Tastes like crap. Ever had a really fatty steak with lots of marbling in the meat (little specs of fat all over the entire grain)? The only comparison would be if you could eat, bliss.
Fat is good, that's why mcdonalds fries used to be good, they used to fry them in pure beef lard, and now, only 1-5% thus, only 1-5% delicious.
So to all the subway zombies, (and jared) i bring you this message, on the sign of a micky d's:
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
Foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Foosball really fucked up my perception of soccer though because I thought after you kicked the ball, you had to spin round and round. I can't do a backflip. Let alone several... simultaneously with two other guys... who look just like me.
posted by jon at
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
1 Comments:
You may have a point about Jared having changed. I think he is aggravated over being a celebrity. He is following in the footsteps of Elvis, as I have seen him hanging out in Las Vegas. Maybe He thought they said Las VeGGie, and he was looking for some carrots or celery to snack on along with his Subway sandwich. When I walked up to him in the Bally's, I simply said "Hello Jared" and he just glared at me like I had just blown his cover, or was afraid that I was going to say something about my diet, or his diet, food, or the lack thereof.
I got news for JARED. You eat and you die... and hopefully you do something positive inbetween. My suggestion is to be positive, and remember you traded that check from subway for a little bit of your privacy and freedom. You will learn how to deal with it, hopefully in a positive way.
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Anonymous, at 2:53 PM
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