Mile High Clubbin...
***disclaimer: the owner of this blog assumes no responsibility for the actions of readers of this blog.***
With that out of the way, here we go. Even though it's been awhile since i've been on a plane at all (and probably will be longer until i either get a job or they start letting me fly for free), i still enjoy spending 2-3 hours a day thinking about different things i could do on a long plane ride. A waste of time you say? If you can think of a more productive way to spend 2-3 waking hours of my day, i'd like to hear it. That's right, didn't think so.
Anyway. Back to the idea. So, no doubt you've all been on a flight that took more than say, 30 minutes (chattanooga to atlanta, a flight so short that the lone flight attendant was literally throwing bags of peanuts at us.. it was great), and i'll assume that at some point you got bored. There's not much you can do at 30,000 feet up in the air sitting in a seat seemingly made at a 1:18 scale of a real seat (i think somewhere out there is a blueprint instruction that says that the planes have to be increased in size, but no one got the memo) unless you have a computer or a portable dvd player or some other type of technological device.
That is, until further inspection and reflection by jon. And because i'm such a nice guy (and i need to fill up space), i shall share these insights with you. On to the ideas!
1. Make a hand puppet out of your vomit bag.
These bags are very similar to the ones that you probably took to school during your "anorexia days." You know what i'm talking about, the small ones, that can fit half a sandwich and perhaps some chips and a juice box while straining at every seam, threatening to burst the contents of your lunch all over the classroom as you make your exit to the lunchroom at which point everyone behind you in line steps all over your food, and you don't have anything to eat for the entire day because the damn vending machine only takes quarters and you only have dollar bills, where all of a sudden, no one can make fucking change (too descriptive? well, you get the idea). It's just like those bags, except made to hold vomit, nott food, which i suppose is really only a matter of semantics because it's really the same food, but the only variable is time. *helpful hint* it's probably good to check your bag first, to make sure there isn't any vomit in it before you stick your hand in it.
2. Try out all the positions on the emergency card.
I swear, reading through the emergency card (does looking at the pictures count as reading?) it makes me wonder whether or not the guy that drew the pictures is the same guy that drew the pictures for the kama sutra. Some of those positions are completely rediculous. There's one where you brace yourself before a crash where you have to sit down, bend your body completely in half with your head in very close proximity to your poop chute, and where you have to pull your legs up over your head and interestingly enough, you have to play the harmonica whilst doing so. The harmonica part isn't so much a life-saving device, it's just more of a pleasant distraction from the fact that your last moments will be filled with music no matter what (since you can get sound out of the harmonica inhaling and exhaling). By the time you get done trying out all the positions on the emergency card, you'll need a cigarette... but you're not really supposed to smoke on the plane... which brings me to my next point...
3. Try to circumvent the lavatory smoke detectors.
This one is actually pretty illegal, so unless you want to get in trouble, and be sent to the "back of the plane," i'd advise against it. But for the more adventurous of you out there... i'd still not do it, even though the most dangerous part of smoking on the plane is probably the actual smoking part. Anyway, when you go into the "lavatory" which is fancy english for "closet with a toilet and sticky floors," you notice something. Well, you probably notice lots of things, but let's just say that you notice that the drain for the sink is always down, and you have to push the button for it to come up. When the drain comes up and there's water in the basin, it sucks out faster than a poker player holding the nuts. What does this mean for you? That's right, smoke sucker. Now, any smoker will tell you, no matter how hard you try, it's almost impossible to keep all the wisps of smoke contained. This being said, there needs to be a second layer of protection. Enter: the airplane blanket. Although it may look strange carrying a blanket into the "lavatory" with you, if anyone gives you a weird look, just say "the little guy gets cold when he's out there all by himself." This will generally get anyone inquisitive enough to at least look away.
Another fun thing to do with the lavatory is:
4. Randomly open occupied stalls.
This one is rather fun. To be able to open locked bathroom doors is a useful turd of knowledge to have if you are in a hurry and don't care that you are peeing on somebody, or just for shits and giggles (pardon the pun). Interestingly, almost all aircraft bathroom doors are equipped with this outside lock feature where you can unlock "occupied" lavatories with ease. First, go to the lavatory door, and you'll notice a very handy and helpful sign that reads: "Lavatory." That's good, the first step is assessing the situation. If you try it, you can lift up the little metal plate, and you'll see a plastic knob.
Push the plastic knob over to the other side, and voila, "vacant." It's worth it just for the reactions that you'll get. It's also fun to do this in "stealth mode" and push the guy who's peeing forward, creating an interesting vector for the pee.
I hope this guide has been helpful for your future travel needs. As always, since i have a doctorate in "doing stuff whilst on an airplane," i am the resident expert on the subject. If you have any more questions, think about them whilst pooping in the toilet, and hope that i'm not on the same plane as you headed that way with a blanket.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
With that out of the way, here we go. Even though it's been awhile since i've been on a plane at all (and probably will be longer until i either get a job or they start letting me fly for free), i still enjoy spending 2-3 hours a day thinking about different things i could do on a long plane ride. A waste of time you say? If you can think of a more productive way to spend 2-3 waking hours of my day, i'd like to hear it. That's right, didn't think so.
Anyway. Back to the idea. So, no doubt you've all been on a flight that took more than say, 30 minutes (chattanooga to atlanta, a flight so short that the lone flight attendant was literally throwing bags of peanuts at us.. it was great), and i'll assume that at some point you got bored. There's not much you can do at 30,000 feet up in the air sitting in a seat seemingly made at a 1:18 scale of a real seat (i think somewhere out there is a blueprint instruction that says that the planes have to be increased in size, but no one got the memo) unless you have a computer or a portable dvd player or some other type of technological device.
That is, until further inspection and reflection by jon. And because i'm such a nice guy (and i need to fill up space), i shall share these insights with you. On to the ideas!
1. Make a hand puppet out of your vomit bag.
These bags are very similar to the ones that you probably took to school during your "anorexia days." You know what i'm talking about, the small ones, that can fit half a sandwich and perhaps some chips and a juice box while straining at every seam, threatening to burst the contents of your lunch all over the classroom as you make your exit to the lunchroom at which point everyone behind you in line steps all over your food, and you don't have anything to eat for the entire day because the damn vending machine only takes quarters and you only have dollar bills, where all of a sudden, no one can make fucking change (too descriptive? well, you get the idea). It's just like those bags, except made to hold vomit, nott food, which i suppose is really only a matter of semantics because it's really the same food, but the only variable is time. *helpful hint* it's probably good to check your bag first, to make sure there isn't any vomit in it before you stick your hand in it.
2. Try out all the positions on the emergency card.
I swear, reading through the emergency card (does looking at the pictures count as reading?) it makes me wonder whether or not the guy that drew the pictures is the same guy that drew the pictures for the kama sutra. Some of those positions are completely rediculous. There's one where you brace yourself before a crash where you have to sit down, bend your body completely in half with your head in very close proximity to your poop chute, and where you have to pull your legs up over your head and interestingly enough, you have to play the harmonica whilst doing so. The harmonica part isn't so much a life-saving device, it's just more of a pleasant distraction from the fact that your last moments will be filled with music no matter what (since you can get sound out of the harmonica inhaling and exhaling). By the time you get done trying out all the positions on the emergency card, you'll need a cigarette... but you're not really supposed to smoke on the plane... which brings me to my next point...
3. Try to circumvent the lavatory smoke detectors.
This one is actually pretty illegal, so unless you want to get in trouble, and be sent to the "back of the plane," i'd advise against it. But for the more adventurous of you out there... i'd still not do it, even though the most dangerous part of smoking on the plane is probably the actual smoking part. Anyway, when you go into the "lavatory" which is fancy english for "closet with a toilet and sticky floors," you notice something. Well, you probably notice lots of things, but let's just say that you notice that the drain for the sink is always down, and you have to push the button for it to come up. When the drain comes up and there's water in the basin, it sucks out faster than a poker player holding the nuts. What does this mean for you? That's right, smoke sucker. Now, any smoker will tell you, no matter how hard you try, it's almost impossible to keep all the wisps of smoke contained. This being said, there needs to be a second layer of protection. Enter: the airplane blanket. Although it may look strange carrying a blanket into the "lavatory" with you, if anyone gives you a weird look, just say "the little guy gets cold when he's out there all by himself." This will generally get anyone inquisitive enough to at least look away.
Another fun thing to do with the lavatory is:
4. Randomly open occupied stalls.
This one is rather fun. To be able to open locked bathroom doors is a useful turd of knowledge to have if you are in a hurry and don't care that you are peeing on somebody, or just for shits and giggles (pardon the pun). Interestingly, almost all aircraft bathroom doors are equipped with this outside lock feature where you can unlock "occupied" lavatories with ease. First, go to the lavatory door, and you'll notice a very handy and helpful sign that reads: "Lavatory." That's good, the first step is assessing the situation. If you try it, you can lift up the little metal plate, and you'll see a plastic knob.
Push the plastic knob over to the other side, and voila, "vacant." It's worth it just for the reactions that you'll get. It's also fun to do this in "stealth mode" and push the guy who's peeing forward, creating an interesting vector for the pee.I hope this guide has been helpful for your future travel needs. As always, since i have a doctorate in "doing stuff whilst on an airplane," i am the resident expert on the subject. If you have any more questions, think about them whilst pooping in the toilet, and hope that i'm not on the same plane as you headed that way with a blanket.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
posted by jon at
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
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