Oh the Pain!

Is there anything worse...? No. Is there anything more painful...? No. Is there anything more aggrivating...? Nope.

The pain of this incident/calamity is one that is so painful that perhaps, people might cringe just hearing a mention of it. If you're squeamish, or alive in any way, do not continue reading.

Ok, well, even though i've lost about 90% of my readership at this point, that's fine. Those guys didn't need to be reading this anyway. Well, now that i've built it up so much, i think you might find yourself sorely disappointed when i sneak it in that what i'm talking about is burning your tongue/mouth.

But think about it... is there another singular event that can have such a profound effect on you? Nope. I mean, think about it, when you take that first brash bite into that potato skin with the bubbling cheese, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it might be oozing steam because it's hot, but you usually dismiss it. That is... until, (onomotopoeia alert!) ssssssssssssssssssssssssss, and there you go, the roof of your mouth, or better yet, your tongue is burned. The greatest part about this? You guessed it, inability to taste anything else for the next week! I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't happen at restaurants, but that's where it always happens. And usually after you've ordered.
There should be an ordering renig where upon burning your tongue, you can just order the potato and starch soup seasoned with some flour, because whatever you do eat could have the taste of a fermented buzzard's gizzard (did you like that?) and you'd have no idea anyway. It's all about texture at this point.

For the next 4 days, all you can think about is how you can't taste anything, and about how that entire portion of your life has been taken from you. Usually when this happens, you have to be careful even eating slightly crunchy foods, because even though you can't taste anything, you sure as hell can still feel pain (what the hell is up with that?).
Eating cold food would seem to help, except that once the numbness wears off, you can still feel the pain and the heat eminating from the raw gums or tongue matter that used to be your mouth. Ouch.

So, if burning your mouth with food is so terrible, shouldn't there be a way to avoid it? Well, i'm glad you asked (i know i'm actually the one that asked, but let's just say that you did for the sake of that last sentence not being a waste, even though i realize that now i've typed more about that previous sentence than the previous sentence is long, i don't like wasting ink... er... electrons). Of course there is a way to avoid it... the best way is of course, to just eat tuna salad sandwiches for the rest of your life. If this doesn't seem feasible to you, just use the 30/30 rule.

Of course, your next question, what is the 30/30 rule? Well, if you've just received your piping hot soup or fried mushroom or what have you, make sure you let it sit for 30 minutes first. What's the second 30? That's right, after the first 30, wait another 30 minutes. This way you'll ensure that the food will be nice and tepid by the time you get to it, thus eliminating any chance of you burning any part of your mouth on it. Of course, there might not be any left because other people might take your precaution as disintrest and finish the food for you, but that's when you punch them in the face. And with that, i'm out.




Mitch Hedberg's QtoD:

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."