French for bathroom buddy?

Why does anyone buy a magazine? There are a few answers here that might come to the mind of the less-enlightened... so i'll go ahead and dispose of those right now...

1. Something to read/do on a long plane ride
2. To read interesting articles (read: to see pictures of naked women)
   
3. To read interesting articles (read: to actually read interesting articles)
4. To look at pictures of cars or women (really, either will do)

Ok, now, although some of those reasons are valid, really, it all boils down to one thing: to have something to read in the bathroom.

I mean, it's the perfect situation. Magazine makers know this. That's why there's no article in a magazine that's more than 15 minutes long (any longer, and you're legs would start to go numb). Ever wonder why magazines are made with that glossy paper? That's right, don't hold odor and as a bonus, are easy to wipe off... just in case. Why are there perfume ads in magazines? Yup, poopy-smell masking device.

Another question comes to mind: why are there so many ads in magazines? Well, the casual observer would say that it's the way that the magazines make their money. If that's the case, then why do i even have to buy one? They should give em away for free, thanking me for helping them make money a la network tv.
Anyway, that's the casual observer's point of view. The real reason for all the advertisements in magazines? You guessed it, magainze writers have nothing to write about. What they lack in content, they make up for in advertisements. I mean, take all the ads out of a magazine, you'd have a 7 page handout where the most significant story was about how cheerleaders like to do it under the stands more than doing it in the locker room (very intersting and useful information indeed, but hardly worth the 5 dollar cover charge). Why do you think they bury the table of contents in such an awkward place (usually in a completely different issue)? Because they don't want you to ever find the stories, especially if you are excited about reading, or interested in the article in any way, because you'd be sorely disappointed. They want you to just stumble upon one of the articles where you have no expectations whatsoever during a late night burrito-return.

There's so many things that go into making a magazine successful, you've got your beer ads, naked women, and oh yeah, words... I'd go into the specifics of it, but i have to go read an article about how best to utilize the many uses for aeresol cheese... oh yeah, and poop some of it out too...



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" I said, "OK! I will talk louder, then!"