So many diseases...

so little time...

Watching tv is becoming like a virtual "do-it-yourself" symptom checker/doctor. I mean, the drugs that are being advertised on tv give out descriptions that are on the best side vague, and on the worst side, well, vaguer...

Watching tv can make anybody in this country a chronic something or rather, having our doctors have to field an inordinate amount of inquiries regarding what i'm pretty sure are made up diseases.

Here's a quick rundown of what you might have (only if you watch tv, it doesn't apply to people that don't i suppose)...

• Chronic dry eye (when your tear ducts don't produce enough tears to keep your eyes hydrated) - hmm, if your tear ducts aren't producing enough moisture, wouldn't your eyes simply shrivel up?
  
• Irritable bowel syndrome with constipation (pooping problems) - man, you know what? Whenever i had just irritable bowel syndrome, my life didn't seem all that bad, but with constipation? I'm gonna shoot myself... Not only are my bowels irritated (perhaps at the half-frozen burrito i ate for lunch), but they've got nowhere to go...
• Crazy leg disease (i don't think that's actually what they call it, it's more like restless leg syndrome, but mine sounds more catchy) - this apparently happens when your legs cease to be under your control, and move at an inopportune time such as when you're trying to sleep, or even worse, when you're trying not to kick your former boss in the ass...
• Insomnia (notice these commercials only come on late at night, when the ad space is cheaper, i'm wondering if perhaps they looked at the timeslots first, then decided what drug to put out) - You know something? If you can't fall asleep by listening to these commercials about how if you can't sleep, you should take these pills, then, well, i don't even know, that wasn't really an organized thought (cuz i've been awake for too long to think of one).
• Erectile dysfunction (mommy's getting old and ugly disease) - apparently, this is nothing more than about 10 alcoholic drinks in the form of a little pill.... genious.

The problem with the pills isn't so much that they're out there, creating a world full of hemophiliacs, the problem seems to be more of the fact that the side effects are, to put it mildly, disgusting. You'll often hear the micro-machine man explaining in approximately 20000 words per minute that side effects may include constipation, lack of sleep (a real one with the insomnia drug... irony at it's best), bleeding, irregular bowel movements (take that constipation), hallucinations, inability to walk upright, blindness, dizziness, uncontrollable appetite for the blood of undead animals, and butt hair growth.

The moral of the story? well, i don't really know, but hopefully i will soon, because i think i just saw a commercial for a pill moral-less stories...


Jon's QotD:

People say that they don’t want to “toot their own horns” all the time. Why wouldn’t you toot your own horn? Who else’s horn would you toot? Hey, get away, that’s my horn. I’m not gonna toot it, but it’s mine.