Toilet: french for poop?

How many times has this happened to you? You go to a restaurant, eat a bunch of food that for the most part looks like it's already been eaten and digested by someone else (hey, i have to eat cheap), when before you know it, you start getting a feeling in your gut. A feeling that is eerily reminiscent of that feeling you get when you're in a dark room and you turn around only to find that you're face to face with kathy-lee gifford. The "oh shit" feeling. This feeling starts a chain of events that transpire rather quickly which ends up with you taking your place as king of porcelain, perched atop the royal throne.

Following is a list of what usually transpires during this chain of events.

1. You assess the situation, realizing that there is no escaping the situation, proceed to step 2
2. You try to figure out where, in relation to your current position, would be the nearest place to er... alleviate your abdominal stress
3. Once finding the nearest bathroom, you once again assess the situation i.e. is it worth it go drop trou here, or does it look like if you went in there, what comes out might actually be cleaner than what's already on the walls? (but if it's bad enough, it won't matter)
4. Once you get into a bathroom, the "stall inspection" starts. The ceremonial, kicking of the stall doors, to 1. check if there's toilet paper, and 2. to make sure the previous tenant cleaned up after themselves.

From here, it's magical. Assuming that the poo has been brewing this whole time, it's getting down to the wire now. In one smooth motion, there is an application of toilet seat cover (or 3 layers of tp), an unbuckling of the pants, the 180 turn, the simultaneous pant and underwear grab and shove, and the almost instantaneous "sit n' shit." It's art i tell you... art.

For anyone who hasn't experienced this first hand... i can only assume that a) you are a woman, or b) you're not a man. Same thing you say? Perhaps, but i just wanted that much more of an emphasis. If you are a woman and have experienced this, i would like to hear about it... but not really, so don't tell me, cuz that's just sick. And besides, we all know that girls don't do that...


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a but. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"