jon's guide to women...

As a part of a joint venture with rangercho, we have both decided to take a topic, and write about it. Pretty complicated huh? So here goes.

I have been studying for many years, the mythical creatures that are often referred to in folklore as women. I have advanced training in this field, even obtaining a b.a. in psychology (read: classes with lots of women in them), in my ever quest to unravel this mystical being. As far as i can tell, there are three types of women. They are all hot, but in different ways.

First, you have the hot women. These women are usually in peak physical condition, have nicely proportioned bodies, nice tans, nice smiles, pretty hair and generally smell nice.

Second, you have the hot women. These women are usually hot due to the fact that they're carrying around so much extra weight that they have no choice but to be hot... literally.

Third, you have the hot women. These women are usually about average sized, and average looking, but are considered hot because of their tempers. They are the ones who are angry that they aren't in the hot category, and decide to take it out on us helpless men by constantly arguing about something or other until we finally buckle under the constant strain and reluctantly marry one of them.

Of course, men want to be with hot women, and other women want to be them. But the fact of the matter is, hot women don't really exist outside the realm of television, movies and outside when you're driving by. Apparently, even if you slam on your brakes, run out of the car and chase after where you thought you might have seen these women, they disappear into thin air. As it happens, the only women that a man is likely to meet is one from one of the last two categories. At this point, one of three things usually happens.

1. The man becomes discouraged at his choices, and continues to hold out hope that a hot woman will eventually come his way
2. The man settles for a hot woman, and decides that that's as good as it's gonna get, or in california,
3. The man turns gay

Now, there seems to be a majority of people fall into the second category, eventually deciding that that's as good as it's going to get, and marries an angry woman, all the while watching tv, wondering where the beautiful women are hiding.

I know alot of people would disagree with my seeming overgeneralization of what there is out there, and i suppose there are some exceptions to the rule, but observe the women around you, and you'll find that my scientific research comes with little error.
A bit more about the mythical hot women. Even if people have thought that they might have seen some in the flesh, or have even talked to, or interacted with one, i can assure you, you were taking some hallucinagenic mushrooms of some type (in which case, can i have some?).

Read my (typed letters on your computer screen), there's no such thing as a hot woman. Why is it that i feel so strongly about this you ask? It's of course, because i, jon, the coolest dude on the planet, don't have a hot girlfriend. No matter what anyone else says, that's the only true scientific litmus test for anything.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?