Excess Mode vs. Conservation Mode

You know that feeling you get when you go to the costco (or sam's back home), and buy a 12 year supply of toilet paper? Hell yeah you do. That's a great feeling. There's just toilet paper everywhere! When you have that much toilet paper on hand, you start to think of rediculous things to do with it. I mean, everything except wiping after a hard fought battle with your dinner from the night before.
Some examples of possible ideas include:
- Rolling your neighbor's yard
- (after you've rolled everyone elses yards), rolling your own yard
- Wrapping yourself and other friends and family members, "tp mummy" style
- Dangling one end of the toilet paper in the toilet, and flushing, to see how much will be sucked down
- Using unfurled rolls to wipe catchup from the corner of your mouth, then tossing the whole roll out

But there is a different mode. Conservation mode. Remember the good 'ole days? When you had so much toilet paper that your entire living room at one point was plastered with tp wallpaper? Now, you have to go really bad, and you see the bad news. 10 sheets. Sure, they're two-ply, which buys you 10 more sheets, but this is when people get into the mindset of stretching out every scrap of paper, hoping that they'll have a "clean poop." Then, true to murphy's law, the worst possible scenario occurs: the projectile diarrhea. At this point, you have a couple of options:

1. Hoping that you can "shake" most of it off
2. Washing, then reusing the toilet paper (which usually doesn't quite work out)
3. Jumping from the toilet directly into the shower in a superman-esque leap
4. Looking for "alternate" wiping tools

The last one is an option that many try. But usually, the only other item that's suitable for that purpose, besides accidentally using your shirt, are paper towels. The only problem with paper towels? You guessed it, thirsty pockets. Thirsty pockets are awesome when you're trying to sop up an entire sink full of funk that won't go down the drain, but can be hazardous to your poop chute, when it sucks so much water out that it is actually changing your body chemistry into only 12% water.

I leave you with this advice: don't swim in shark invested waters. Wait, no, what i meant to say was, enjoy it while you've got it, and when you run out, practice your long jump.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I can't tell you the name of the hotel that I'm staying at, but I can tell you that there are two trees involved. At some point, there was a meeting to come up with the name of this hotel. It was quite short. "How about tree? No? DoubleTree... Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "Fuck, I was going for QuadroupleTree. We were so close."