jon's survival guide...

well, after listening to a couple of people talk about it, i decided to buy the first season of "lost" on dvd. So far so good. Anyway, the show made me wonder, what i would be like should i be stranded on a deserted island with only 10-15 hot women... my thoughts follow.

First off, knowing my damn luck, i'd be stranded with a bunch of barnyard animals, delicious yes, but perhaps not the best companions. Now, more than likely, i would have been one of those guys that would have run into the woods, and at the first sight of a spider bigger than my enormous head, would probably faint and die. Oh the fate of it all, surviving a plane crash, then getting eaten by a spider.

Ok, assuming i wasn't eaten by a humongous spider, how would i react? How would i adapt? Well, i can tell you now, that i'm no doctor, who happened to take some flying lessons, and be able to give people blood transfusions with a sea urchin's spine, but, i would like to think i'd do pretty well. Assuming i had in my possession a couple necessities:

1. probably a good knife, or a machete (nevermind that you're not allowed to take them on planes anymore, it'd still be nice to have, perhaps if someone dropped one from a passing plane without realizing it)
2. a generator with a crank handle would be ideal ( how else am i supposed to watch tv, or get online for that matter?)
   
3. perhaps an endless supply of string/twine (seems to always come in handy for people such as gilligan (r.i.p.) and other people who are able to fashion large rafts and the such)
4. apparently all deserted islands have a huge forest full of bamboo (preferably in nice lengths where i can fashion together a hut, a raft, and perhaps a bicycle, ya know, for exercise)
5. alot of fedex boxes full of crap (a la castaway) might be nice
6. a camera crew (apparently, if you're going to be stranded on a deserted island, it's a good idea to become stranded together with a camera crew, because as long as the ratings are good, i'll survive)

If i had all of that, and maybe a refrigerator the size of the mgm grand hotel in las vegas full of delicious food, either that or a fishing pole (i love sushi), i think i'd manage ok for a couple of days.

There have been several movies and shows based on the subject of being left in some sort of deserted island (how come no one ever lands in like, kentucky?). Just to name a few, there's lost, gilligan's island, castaway, and the ever-so-popular temptation island.

Now, in keeping with the lost theme, here are some things i wouldn't mind not having with me on my deserted island adventure:

1. dinosaurs, or any carniverous creatures that could eat me of any kind
2. ghosts (like casper, or even better, casper's hot older sister)
   
3. fat women (for 2 reasons, 1, they're probably not very attractive, 2, they would eat up all my food)
4. cilantro (if faced with the proposition of starving to death or eating cilantro, i'd probably choose having sex with hot women, wait, that wasn't one of the choices? cheers for option c.)
5. crappy cds (what's worse that surviving a plane crash with only a portable cranking generator, endless supplies of food and twine, and hot women? only having bad music to listen to while you're there. if i was stranded with only a britney spears and hilary duff cd, i would seriously impail myself on the previously mentioned bamboo)

Ok, all those things being in place, what would i do? Well first, i would attempt to assess the situation. All the hot women on this side, all the ugly women and dudes on that side, wait, that side is a bottomless pit? Oops, how did that happen? Oh yeah, and bitchy girls, you need to have this minor surgery to remove your vocal chord... i mean, to make you prettier? (one and the same my friend, one and the same).

Next, i suppose i would have to fashion together some kind of shelter. Nothing too fancy i suppose, perhaps a loft, fashioned of bamboo of course, with a couple bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom (bamboo plumbing, the wave of the future), a kitchen with a gas stove (natural gas... fart power baby!), and of course a living room (where else am i gonna put my tv and computer?).

Finally, i would attempt to fashion together some sort of salvation device a.k.a. cruise ship. Now, provided i wasn't able to find a lumber yard on the island (how inconsiderate), i would have to fashion my boat out of, you guessed it, bones. It would go along well to supporting me saying that i was a pirate if i were able to sail up in a ship made of bones. Yeah, that would be sweet "arrrr, i've been stranded on a deserted island, fashioned this ship from bones, and now am robbing you. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses."

And there you have it, jon's survival guide for the new millenium. Enjoy, and make sure you print out a copy from the deserted island if you happen to find yourself there with a nice wifi connection.

Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I flew over an island that said "S.O.S.", so I landed, because I wanted to clean their pans.