The smell of something new...

Whenever you buy something new, there is usually a smell associated with it. The smell of fresh baked bread, that new car scent, and of course the smell of new traffic cones.

What is it that makes these smells that bring forth memories from childhood, college, or sometimes that time you were beaten senseless by the roaming hobo with a brand new orange traffic cone? I'll tell you what it is. Chemicals.

Chemists have been hard at work for years developing new scents for different products so that you will eventually want to buy new ones. This has been true in the car industry for some time. Automobile (spanish for car) manufacturers have been banking on the fact that people driven by no other motivational factor than obtaining the "new car smell" will buy new cars to recapture that smell. Now, your "average" person will say that the new car smell is simply a byproduct of the plastic making process, and thus fades over time. Ah, such a simplified and naieve view of what is actually at work.
The truth of the matter is, evil chemists (and do we know any chemists that aren't truly evil?) have developed a scent, aptly named the "new car scent" that fades over a period of several years (except in my cars, where they don't put enough of the chemical, and it fades after 2 weeks, and it's not because i smell bad... is it?), so that when that smell fades, people will be driven to buy a new car. It's like legally selling cigarettes, where you get hooked, and can't quit (wait, cigarettes are legal? crap, why have i been buying mine from the one-armed hobo on my street corner?).

I mentioned that there were also other "new" smells, and i can assure you, that they're all the work of chemicals. That's right, chemicals. What about bread you ask? Chemicals. They put in that fresh bread chemical that releases the nice yeasty smell. A little known fact from my studies as a master chemist (that's way better than a regular chemist), is that when the bread chemical wears off, it turns green and fuzzy, and you thought it was simple mold all this time. You eediots.

And of course, onto cones. I recently ordered some cones for our office (i like wearing them on my head, don't ask), and although they were clean and brand new, they came with an unfortunate flaw... The chemist that was working on the "new" smell for the cones must have graduated from some backwoods chemical school, i think it's the university of khemicals (notice how they even spelled chemicals wrong? I think they go by uk), and instead of smelling like something that might get you high through prolonged exposure, smells like... ass.

That's right, my cones smell like ass. (That sentence, if taken out of context, would be pretty funny, so laugh imagining you were just scrolling through and read only that sentence)

There are several different scents that can be summed up by the word "ass" but at this point, what i mean, is that it smells like the factory that made the cones must have had a machine with severe indigestion and pooped out cones, much to the surprise of the workers at the factory (hey look! cones! we can sell these too! but they came out of that machines ass... ooh, i've got it, we can make them smell like ass too!)

So, unless you want your entire office to smell like ass, don't buy cones from the As-Scone-Co. There's some more i wanted to say, but i have an overwhelming urge to go sell my car, and load my new car full of bread.

Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

A lollipop is a cross between candy and garbage.