The Seasonless Jungle...

Living in a place without winter (as i happen to, in a magical place called l.a., there are interesting things that happen. I suppose there are interesting things that happen everywhere, but let's just pretend for now that nothing else happens anywhere....

1. Trees don't shed... and since they don't ever turn color and the leaves ever fall off, they just keep growing constantly. Many of the trees in los angeles are actually 50 feet tall. It's hard to even see people anymore because the trees have become so overgrown.
2. Scarf companies fold yearly. I don't know why they insist on trying, but at least 50 scarf stores have gone out of business in the last year alone. On a related note, the long sleeve shirt manufacturers are making a killing this year.
3. Daylight savings time has no meaning. Unlike how everyone else in the country just adores daylight savigs time... we don't get it...
   
4. Birds fly... nowhere... The birds that are born here, generally spend their entire lives here, and then eventually die here. There are no lazier birds in the world. The birds here, all weigh on average 150 pounds, and thusly, cannot fly around, but just walk under the shade of 50 foot tall trees.
   

Another interesting thing that happens is that people that have moved here several years ago, whether it be that they are adapting to the constant weather patterns or that they're just bored... (i vote for bored), start breaking out their parkas and mink coats at the first sign of temperatures that dip below 60. I kid you not, i've been around beverly hills in the "supposed-to-be-colder-time" (not called winter here), where women walk around like they're about to tame the canadian tundra... with a foo-foo dog as their guide.

Whether or not you think it's right that the salvation army bell ringers wear shorts and short sleeves here, it's just a fact of life in sunny southern california. It's one of those things that makes you go "hmm" if you're from anywhere else, but what the people here don't give a second thought to. It's sort of like how when the earth shakes uncontrollably, and people like myself freak out and can't sleep for a few days, but everyone else just uses it to mix their lattes.

Another thing i miss about not having a cold season is the whole holiday "feel." Being able to get cozy in front of a fireplace, where the front of your body gets super rediculously hot, all the while your back is colder than michael jackson's wife's cooch (wow, that was gross... i apologize). The smells, the feelings, the christmas trees. Here, we have christmas palm trees. Like a scene out of that corona beer commercial, it's totally festive... if by festive i mean, not festive. The only way to recreate the smell of the holiday season is by pouring pine sol down my nostrils, and the only way to replicate the weather is to drive around in my car with the a/c on full blast. Yay.

There's so many disadvantages to not having a winter season, but i guess if i were to try to find the silver lining in all of this, it would have to be that girls don't get the chance to grow out various hairs that they normally would if they had their bodies covered up all day long due to the cold weather. Because women have to wear shorts and short sleeves around here all the time, it cuts down on what i like to call, "kiwi legs." This is where there is a solid fuzz all around the legs of otherwise hot women, but since they have no reason to show off their legs, allow themselves to transform their lower bodies into a monkey-esque state... all the way to the bright red and blue buttholes (but that's another article).




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.