The LBD...

There exists a dilemma that all people must face many times in their lives, sometimes, several times a day. Now, you might be thinking to yourself: "why do i read this damn blog?" Ok, well, that aside, you might also be asking yourself: "what kind of dilemma would one face daily, and perhaps several times daily?" Well, you've come to the right place my friend.

First off, allow me to offer a little background. My definition of a dilemma is something that poses some sort of quandary if you will. A decision which will have dire consequences. Further, my definition of daily is something that happens repeatedly. Day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, (get the idea? no?) after day, after day, after day, after day, after day (and so on and so forth).

The major daily dilemma i speak of can on be expressed as the most dire, and the most day after day (ok, that's enough) imaginable. I have come up with a clever acronym for this: the l.b.d.

What is the l.b.d. you ask? Well, isn't that an interesting question. The l.b.d. is the last bite dilemma. You might not be familiar with this affliction, but it affects millions (and by millions i mean me, but if it afflicts you too, let me know) of people worldwide.

Imagine that you're eating a burger. Of course, you're also eating some fries. And on top of that, you're drinking your favorite soft drink (read: coke. What kind of coke? well, regular, but that's another story). Now, at first, everything is good. You're just eating your tasty burger, having some delicious fries, and drinking your refreshing beverage. But invariably, comes a time when you near the end of your marvelous journey. Only at the end, can you fully appreciate the severity of this dilemma.

Imagine you have about 4 bites left of your burger, 10 fries, and a third of a coke left. How do you proceed? Do you scarf down the last four bites of the burger? Doing so would leave you with fries that have no sandwich accompaniment. Fries are only good with a little ground beef sandwiched between a bun. Do you eat all the fries first? Of course not. Such starchiness could not be handled by mere mortal mouths. Of course one cannot finish the drink first. If one did that, there would be cottonmouth the likes of which hasn't been seen this side of the mississippi (either side actually) since the great dust bowl of '32.

So there we have it. The last bite dilemma. Which do you eat first, and more importantly, which do you eat last? Well, there's usually a consensus that the drink should be consumed last in order to "wash" everything down. But that still leaves us with the burger and the fries. As the burger gets smaller, the mental calculations increase. "How many fries do i have left? Two? Ok, let's see here, half a bite left. If i eat a quarter of a bite, and one fry, that will leave another quarter and one last fry. But which to eat last? Finish with the last bit of burger, or the last bit of fry? Damnit, i want to kill myself!" And so it goes, until finally, there is a restaurant full of people yelling at themselves.

Keep in mind that this can be used in any number of scenarios. Sandwich and chips; burger and fries; soup and salad; cake and kimchi. Cake and kimchi you ask? Hell yeah. As i've gotten older, i can only eat so much cake before it gets nasty, but if i bring some kimchi to the mix, it increases my cake intake ability by a factor of 5. Just saying.

So the next time you're eating a meal, try to think of which food you'll eat last. If this is too much for you to handle, perhaps you'd be better off just eating one dish per meal.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much fucking meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the fuck out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation."