Creative Rap Instructions, and other oxymorons...

So, it seems like there is a certain lack of creativity in the rap (for the older folks like myself, otherwise known to the kids as "hip-hop") community. I'm not talking about the raps themselves, as it seems to be an interesting skill to come up with 30 different words that rhyme with bently on the fly, but instead, am talking about crowd instructions.
When you watch rappers on tv or in concerts (generally i get my fill of concerts on tv too, for fear of my life), you get what i like to call, the "guy who can't really rap, but is there for moral support and crowd instructions" dude. Now this guy, who we'll call GWCRRBITFMSACID for short, takes it upon himself to dole out instructions to the crowd of what to do next.
Usually it falls within the following 3 categories:
1) Throw your hands in the air (as if you didn't care) - which i guess is fine and everything, but i've never had a moment where i just walked around with my hands in the air without a care in the world...
2) Say "yeah," (repeat), say "hell yeah" now everybody "scream" - if everyone actually followed the instructions to the letter, concerts would sound more like that one summer when i went to the beach and took my shirt off (i don't like to talk about it, but there was alot of screaming).
3) "Go buy our new record in stores now" - now, if i were a GWCRRBITFMSACID, i would clarify the dangling modifier by saying that the record is in stores now, and to not go now, because we're doing a concert. Perhaps my penchant for grammar is why the yin-yang twins haven't called me back about the job yet.

I'm all about talking up your own accomplishments, and showing off what i have that you don't have (read: a sweet collection of soda-can mold), but i really could care less what you have. Which logically serves to prove how much i couldn't give a flying piece of fish turd how many cars a rapper might have. You can only drive one car at a time, how many do i need? I guess that's a bit hypocritical of me though, not because i have more than one car, but because i have previously tried to justify my need for 17 refrigerators (they've got the turbocharged motors too, chicken goes from raw to murder weapon in less than 3 seconds).

You know what i do envy about rappers though? Having a set of platinum teeth. I wish i could pull this look off, but damnit being a part of the "quiet and reserved" race. A set of platinum teeth are the ultimate way to impress your friends. I've been working on combining the car craze with the tooth craze by creating a set of HID teeth, wherein my smile could literally light my way, whilst simultaneously taking the focus off of my ugly face (see sidebar).

I've always wondered what the attraction was with the "booty girls" that are always featured on the videos. I'm not a big fan of girls with big butts, as they only serve as blockades to the fortress, with which my pistol's rounds can't reach due to their distance. Watching the videos, i have come to the conclusion that the only benefit of having a hip-hop booty girl is the fact that none of them seem to be empowered with the ability to speak. At this point, there are women around the world sighing a collective sigh of disdain for my comment, but as long as they don't follow it up with alot of chatter about it, i'm cool.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer