The Lunch's Revenge...

It would seem that animals are looking to band together to defeat us. Us being humans, and animals being those beings that can walk and eat and breathe, that are not humans.

Whether it's tortoises and hippos, or ponies and kittens (warning, super cute overload possibility), it would seem that perhaps the cartoons we watched growing up were actually right, in that all animals can in fact communicate with each other. That is bad news for us, because as we all know, humans, for the most part, can't even communicate with each other. I can'te tell you how many times i've heard conversations like:

"what the hell was that?"
"what the hell was what?"
"that!"
"what the hell are you talking about?"
"how can you not know what i'm talking about?"

And so on, and so forth.

Anyway, back to the evil animals. I mean, so far, it's relatively safe, because most of the animals that seem to be able to communicate between species are the ones that i don't enjoy for lunch. But what if the talking pony and the really cool oppotamus got together and convinced the cow not to give me it's prime rib for delicious consumption?

I mean, would we all have to turn into vegetarians? Because the last time i checked, i'm pretty sure the animals outnumber us by quite a substantial margin. What if, instead, the animals started wanting to take over? Would they start eating us? Can you imagine? Being prodded around by cows, taken into pens and crap. What would our pens look like? Perhaps like an apartment... you know, to make us feel comfortable because we all know that a happy human is a tasty human.

If you think about it, in a way, we're all eventually feeding the cows. I mean, we live, poop, the poop fertilizes, well, something, and something else happens. Also, don't cows eat daisies? And apparently humans are perfect daisy fertilizer. Hmm, so in a roundabout way, what if the cows planned all this out in advance and already are eating us?!?

That's rediculous you say? Ok, probably is. This column sucks you say? Yes it does. But how smart did you expect your lunch to be?



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I hate getting sandwiches at New York Delis. Too much fucking meat. It's like a cow with two crackers on either side. When they ask me "would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" I always say "Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people!"