PETophiles

Occasionally, when i used to live in a city where i actually knew people, i would go to my friends' homes to hang out. It was always nice, hanging out with them, but more fun would be hanging out with their pets, because let's face it, animals are more interesting than people.

The only thing that i don't really like is when people give their pets human names. I mean, it's one thing for a dog to be named spot (much to the chagrin of the 14 people in the world named "spot"), but i don't know about naming your dog Tom. It always serves for interesting "passer-by" theater wherein people walking past my friends' apartments get treated to what can only be described as "we'd better get the hell away from this apartment" sounds.
(it should be mentioned here that perhaps there is something wrong with talking to your pets in the first place, seeing as how the only language they understand is when you sniff, then lick their poop-chutes, but anyway...)

example:
"Tom, i thought i told you, you're not allowed on the couch!"
"Damnit Tom, STOP shitting on the carpet!"
or "Tom, STOP eating your shit!"
"Tom, stop humping my leg!"
"Don't lick your stitches Tom!"
Although i have to say, if i had the flexibility of a dog... well, let's just say, i wouldn't have a dry stitch on my body.

Cats are pretty cool, cuz they've got their own thing going on, they're smart enough to poop in a box then cover it up, and honestly couldn't give a crap if you had bacon down your pants or not (i've had a few bad experiences, let me tell you, dogs and inside-the-pants bacon transporters do not mix). My only problem with cats? You guessed it, you can't kill the little bastards. I threw one out the window once, only to have it hop on the elevator, knock on my door, come back in to the house, and poop in it's box as if nothing ever happened. Little punk, next time i'm gonna replace his catnip with pot, that'll show him.

Now, on to the worst part of pet ownership, the owners. I know that i said earlier that alot of these pet owners were friends of mine, but perhaps i was too quick to use the word "friends" there. Of course, my real intention was to say "crazy bastard people that i know who spend more money on their pets in a month than i spend feeding myself for an entire semester." Sure i like playing with pets... Other people's pets. I'm not stupid enough to get one for myself. Being at the beck-and-call of an animal that doesn't even walk upright, let alone have the common courtesy to wipe it's own ass after it takes a dump on my couch (and licking it's ass doesn't count as "cleaning" because i don't wipe my ass, then wipe the toilet paper all over your face to say that i'm happy to see you).

These freaky pet-owners (read: all pet owners) tend to feel like their pets are their children. Call me old fashioned, but if i held a baby in my womb for nine months, and a hairy ball of fuzz dropped out in the shape of a cat, i'd be pretty freakin pissed. When i was a kid and had a stomach ache, or if i turned strange shades of purple, my mom wouldn't be phased, making me get dressed and go to school (12 years perfect attendance in school, even though i can't say for sure that it wasn't my fault some of the other kids missed a few days here and there because of me). On the other hand, pet owners will fly their pets via private jet to a diamond encrusted "vet" (which is latin for "fake doctor"), only to find out that the pet is having indigestion from not eating the REALLY expensive brand of caviar.

I'll just say, i like my dogs one of two ways. Living in someone else's house, so that i can leave whenever i get tired of walking in puddles of piss, and in a bowl with delicious vegetables and side dishes (i am korean after all).




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread? That stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.