Geographical Pinpricks...

I, as some of you may know, am from the south. This being said, there are a few things that are always going to be true with me. Things that have been ingrained into both my thought processes and vernacular, that will never change.

For one, i will always believe that college football is infinitely more entertaining than pro football, i will always believe that teeth are a luxury for the "rich folk," if someone's "fixin" it means they're "about to" do something, and not actually "fixing" anything... "Gravy" is white, and usually comes on top of biscuits for breakfast, and i refer to any dwelling in which i currently reside as "the house." As in, "i think i left my license back at the house officer."

After moving to los angeles, i couldn't help but realize that people talk differently around here. I've heard words here that i've never heard down south like... "working out," "vegetarian," "non-fat," etc... which got me to thinkin' (notice, i'm "thinkin'" now and not "thinking"), how could one distinguish someone from just the way that they talk?

I have, for you loyal reader (notice, not "readers" since it seems like theres only one person who reads this thing), created a useful guide for how to tell the difference between people from the north, the south, the west, and the... well, whatever's left.

North: If you know what "White Castle" is.
Chances are, if you've ever seen a white castle, if you've ever had a slider... you're from the north.

South: If you know what "Krystal's" is.
This is the southern equivalent to White Castle. The only difference? Mustard. White castles use ketchup as their only condiment, and krystal uses mustard. I have only ever visited one city that had both a krystal and a white castle was nashville, tn. Undoubtedly, nashville is the center of the universe.

East: If you know what Hardee's is.
Actually, i'm not sure if there's hardees up north, but whatever...

West: If you know what Carl's Jr. is.
The exact same thing as hardee's, cept... well, the name. They use the same commercials, just sneakily change the ending having to pay the voiceover guy an extra 20 bucks to say "only at carl's jr." after he had just gotten done saying "only at hardees." Good times.

So, let's review. If you eat at hardees for breakfast, and at krystals for lunch... chances are, you're gonna have the runs (and live in the southeast).

If you ate carl's jr. for breakfast... you're in california, but you're not a real californian because they don't serve vegan meals at carl's jr (don't even try to pretend like you're from california).

But, just to make sure, next time i'm in nashville, i'll look for a carl's jr. and a hardees... in which case... you know.




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member! I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "Ok, but we need some more stiuplations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for em!" "Well, this club is formed." "I like sprouts on my sandwiches." "Fuck you, you're not in the club."