Cinematography issues...

I just have one question for you:
why is it that the people who make sex tapes are the absolute worst camera operators on the face of the planet?

I mean, i enjoy a pirated sex tape of a celebrity as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is, that these people who are making the tapes can't seem to operate a camera in much the same way as they can't seem to operate their women. Can't turn either of them on properly, and can't keep either of them focused.

I've studied extensively (for pure academic purposes), many of the sex tapes that are going around the internet, and i have to say that the only director that would be happy with the level of cinematography would probably be the guy who directed the blair witch project otherwise known as terror in theaters, the revenge of seizureland. I mean, is it too much to ask to invest in a tripod? And if so, would it be too much to ask that the lights are turned on, paris?

I say to you here and now, any hot celebrity that wants to make a sex tape, i will gladly lend my superior camera wrangling services to you at the cheap cost of making a shaky sex tape with me once you're done (or preferably, before you make the other one... even i have standards). I have excellent credentials, being a true student of porn (not to be confused with pork tenderloin), know the difference between what people want to see (the action), and what they don't want to see (the dude's face in any way shape or form).

To all the loyal readers of this blog, if you are, or happen to know any hot celebrities wanting to make a sex tape, stand up for your right to see a properly made sex tape, and not some shaky, glow-in-the-dark ripoff of your time (downloading) and effort (downloading) these tapes, and hire me to do the dirty work for you or your hot celeb friends.

With that, i announce my candidacy for the presidency of these united states.


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minbar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they can check it off, but they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store and as, "Do you have coke, in a glass harmonica?... Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"