Charitable slogans, DECODED...
I was watching tv the other day, and i saw a commercial for a charity fund to help starving kids in third world countries. Now, being quite the philanthropist myself (read: i gave the scary looking dude who smeared my window with his squeegee a dollar so he wouldn't shoot me), i was naturally intrigued at how i, inquisitive commercial watcher, could help.
I was enthralled by the good work these fat spokesmen were doing to help save these poor starving people, that is, until my universal bullshit translator kicked in. Like the good salesman that i am, i was able to sift past the hype and get to the "center" of the story (note: for those unfamiliar with the term, "center" is a writer's term meaning, "middle of").
The commercial said: "help these poor, starving people with your generous donation."
Translation: "let's give these horny bastards some money."
I mean, think about it. Why are there so many starving kids? Because their lazy parents won't stop humping long enough to find jobs. I can't blame the parents i guess, if i had the choice between having only a couple of kids, working my ass off to give them good educations, and the occasional snack pack, or staying at home, humping all kinds of women, and sitting back while fat foreigners swooped in, fed, bathed and clothed my kids for me, i'd probably choose playing video games all day (i realize that wasn't one of the choices, but after i wrote the previous sentence, i realized that there was in fact a better alternative).
And so, being the great humanitarian i am (as can be evidenced by my multiple humanitarian of the year awards, otherwise known as empty soda cans), i have devised a solution that could kill two birds with one stone (although if you've ever tried to kill even one bird with a stone, you'll find that it's fucking impossible). Let's pay the 4 cents a day, to spay and neuter the parents. I know as soon as you read that, you said to yourself, "GENIUS!" On top of that, we can televise the whole event. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see that great reality show.
"Today, one of these lucky men, will have their balls summarily cut off by a blind monkey with a hacksaw, who'll be the lucky winner?"
Just in case you're having trouble following my counting, bird 1: curbing the breeding, bird 2: using the television proceeds to feed the kids (which even i'll agree, deserve... food).
So in conclusion (the best way to end a paper, as evidenced by my english teacher's constant circling of the phrase in red ink as to show her approval), don't let horny poor people breed.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I was enthralled by the good work these fat spokesmen were doing to help save these poor starving people, that is, until my universal bullshit translator kicked in. Like the good salesman that i am, i was able to sift past the hype and get to the "center" of the story (note: for those unfamiliar with the term, "center" is a writer's term meaning, "middle of").
The commercial said: "help these poor, starving people with your generous donation."
Translation: "let's give these horny bastards some money."
I mean, think about it. Why are there so many starving kids? Because their lazy parents won't stop humping long enough to find jobs. I can't blame the parents i guess, if i had the choice between having only a couple of kids, working my ass off to give them good educations, and the occasional snack pack, or staying at home, humping all kinds of women, and sitting back while fat foreigners swooped in, fed, bathed and clothed my kids for me, i'd probably choose playing video games all day (i realize that wasn't one of the choices, but after i wrote the previous sentence, i realized that there was in fact a better alternative).
And so, being the great humanitarian i am (as can be evidenced by my multiple humanitarian of the year awards, otherwise known as empty soda cans), i have devised a solution that could kill two birds with one stone (although if you've ever tried to kill even one bird with a stone, you'll find that it's fucking impossible). Let's pay the 4 cents a day, to spay and neuter the parents. I know as soon as you read that, you said to yourself, "GENIUS!" On top of that, we can televise the whole event. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see that great reality show.
"Today, one of these lucky men, will have their balls summarily cut off by a blind monkey with a hacksaw, who'll be the lucky winner?"
Just in case you're having trouble following my counting, bird 1: curbing the breeding, bird 2: using the television proceeds to feed the kids (which even i'll agree, deserve... food).
So in conclusion (the best way to end a paper, as evidenced by my english teacher's constant circling of the phrase in red ink as to show her approval), don't let horny poor people breed.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I bought a doughnut the other day and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you the money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Wait no, it's at home... in the file... under 'D' for doughnut."
posted by jon at
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
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