the AGL (Asian Grocery List)...

I come from a korean family. One can deduce this by either looking at me, or asking me, or now, reading this column. The reason i mention this is because coming from an american based korean family presents it's own interesting set of traditions and customs that others might find different, but that i find completely normal.

Here now, i shall present to you things that are true for almost every korean family, and generally true for most asian families in the us.

1. Every asian family owns a $400 dish drying rack.

Now, you might think this is an extravagant purchase, but they seem to come with the houses so it's not really us that are spending the money on getting it installed. Other people i've talked to claim that they put dirty dishes in this drying rack and magical fairies come out and clean the dishes while no one is looking. Automatically. yeah... right...

2. Statistics show that 99% of asian parents are disappointed at thier childrens' educational choices.

This is for the most part true. Why is that you ask? Well, it's because 98% of asian kids don't get into an ivy league school. Of the 2% that get into ivy league schools, about 50% don't pursue medicine (see? i can do math... punks). Another reason is that asian parents are disappointed with their kids is that they probably didn't score 1600 (or 2400 these days) on the sat's. Chances are however, that the parents of the kids who did score a 1600 bought out a full page ad in the new york times showing off about their kids. All asian kids know this kids' name from lore. Damn you harry park!

3. Asian grocery shopping lists don't ever include personal hygene products.

Now, i don't want you all to get the wrong idea here. It's not that asians don't use these products, is that they have no need to buy them. Ever. If you feel confused about this, let me just sum up why asian families don't buy these products in one word: church.

For the most part, most korean families go to church. One of the main reasons korean families go to church is for the church outings. Sure, some people would say that there's something to do with salvation, but really, it's for the outings. Church outings generally take place at a campground or a park near a dam, or some such place where there are gazebos and barbeque pits. You know a korean church has taken over a facility such as this by the tell tale smell of short ribs being grilled on one of the barbeque pits (on aluminum foil with holes poked in it... we never put our meat directly on the grill). But i digress.

Church outings go as follows: there is a little bit of playing by the kids, and just mingling about by the parents, then there is a short sermon. After the sermon, a delicious meal in which about 9 full rice cookers worth of steamed sticky rice is served, along with a multitude of side dishes including at least 5 things that are bright red (in korean cooking, bright red=really spicy). Then, you get to the end of the line where the barbeque man hands you two slices of marinaded beef short ribs. Then, the entire place goes quiet, and the only sounds that you can hear are the sounds of carnivorous mastication and quite a few digestive, er... tones. This brings us to the real prize of the church outings. The reason why koreans never buy personal hygene supplies: the games.

Olympic-level intensity coupled together with the organization of a middle school student council meeting, these games provide enjoyment that can only be described as: disappointing for the kids. The reason it's disappointing? All the prizes consist of things such as toothpaste, soap, kleenex and the ever-so-popular towels with the church name printed on them. Imagine my chagrin when i won the childrens' divison of the egg-on-spoon relay (with a little help from a hard-boiled egg, hey, it's war out there, ok?), only to be handed my prize of a year's supply of toothpaste. Yay. The parents love this of course, and now that i'm a bit older, can see the benefits of giving out useful prizes, but back then, all i wanted was some kind of toy that would break before i got it home. (just as a note, a few years after i wasn't considered a "kid" anymore, they started giving out colored pencils, markers and awesome stuff like slinkys... those bastards.)

So there we would be, loading up our car with the fruits of our labor (read: cheating ability), with 10 new towels, about 900 bars of soap (dove soap, our church didn't skimp), enough toothbrushes to supply the country of ghana, enough toothpaste to fill every sink in my house to the brim with (i've tried it, and it was fun), and calendars from the local oriental super market, just in case we forgot what year it was (these were good for regifting to friends who you didn't like, unless it was the friend whose family owned the supermarket, and then there'd always be that awkward moment). By the time we got home, the entire car smelled like dove soap, and the toothpaste would have a core temperature of liquid hot magma, but who were we to complain? It was free toothpaste. In fact, the first time i ever had to buy my own tube of toothpaste was last month in which it dawned on me that i haven't been to church in awhile.

So there you have it. The glories of asian families and the reason we feel that we're better than every other race: free towels. Has your family ever gotten free towels? Didn't think so.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.