Con This...
There exists a word that strikes fear into the lazy legs and asses of officeworkers everywhere. This word, which causes people to have to walk around in a maze of people and product and solicitation of your attention and business that is necessary yet completely unnecessary at the same time. What is this word you ask? Ok, well, you probably didn't, but that's not the poin...
CONVENTION!
Ok, there it is, i sorta sprung it on you so that you had to read it. Conventions are basically traveling human zoos. The animals on display are otherwise known as "salesmen" sitting in their cages a.k.a. "booths" trying as they might (although it does seem to be an exercise in futility) to peddle their wares off onto an unsuspecting public. Prey does occasionally fall victim to the advances of the lions of the business world, and thusly, other people go to watch.
So, the percentages work out roughly as follows:
- 5%, "vendors" a.k.a. "human specimen" a.k.a. "salesmen" a.k.a. "expense account over-chargers"
- 10% "buyers" a.k.a. "losers" a.k.a. "dumbasses" a.k.a. "gullible fools" a.k.a... you get the idea
- 10% "watchers" a.k.a. "people who aren't gonna buy anything but just want samples" a.k.a. "losers"
- 75% janitorial and other nondescript staff
It's true. Every time you go to a convention, there are always more people "working" on the convention center staff than people actually attending the convention. This is due to the fact that there must be 10 workers for every bathroom stall (not to clean it, just to sign their name on the piece of paper in the bathroom saying they signed the piece of paper in the bathroom, 9 are there to "supervise"). There are concession stand workers whose sole purpose in life is to give efficiency experts aneurisms with their effictiveness at being completely inefficient.
"yes."
"i'd like a hot dog, and..."
(Walks off to get hot dog, searches for tongs, finds them, holds hot dog teetering precariously in tongs whilst looking for the bag of buns. Finds bag of buns, contemplates for 3 minutes on how to open the bag and retrieve a bun whilst still holding tongs with hotdog in it. Finally decides that it'd be a better idea to set the hot dog down on the counter for a minute, where it proceeds to roll off onto the floor. Sensing that there is a 5 second rule that is about to expire, bends over, picks up the hot dog, shoots glance back at customer, and proceeds to put it in bun that has been hopened too wide so that there is no longer a "pocket" for the hot dog to rest in and instead, it falls through like a sideways sandwich, brings back to counter.)
"a slice of pizza..."
(Walks into back room past the pizza, disappears for about 8 minutes, emerges with shirt no longer tucked into pants and toilet paper stuck to shoes, proceeds to reach into pizza warming area and pull out slice with thumb on cheese, holds it for a minute whilst contemplating best service vessel, decides on plate designed to hold 3 m&m's)
"and a cok... nevermind"
Also, who seems to be making the money at the conventions? That's right, the convention center. No one else really makes any money there. They think they are, but they're not. Once the price of the booth, the labor and all the samples are taken into account, it takes a company approximately 12 years and 9 virgins to recoup the cost. The convention center charges money for people showing off their wares and charges money to people who want to buy things from said merchants. It's genius. They're creating a solution and the problem.
As everyone knows, the only place that actually has a convention center that gets used as a convention center is las vegas. All other cities build convention centers, but they are mainly for show. Much like the "living room" in a house that no one is allowed to use or live in. Las vegas is a good place for a convention because you can go under the rouse of doing business, and stay under the rouge of a prostitue (oh man, that was clever right there...). Oh man, prostitutes, what a great way to end a post...
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
CONVENTION!
Ok, there it is, i sorta sprung it on you so that you had to read it. Conventions are basically traveling human zoos. The animals on display are otherwise known as "salesmen" sitting in their cages a.k.a. "booths" trying as they might (although it does seem to be an exercise in futility) to peddle their wares off onto an unsuspecting public. Prey does occasionally fall victim to the advances of the lions of the business world, and thusly, other people go to watch.
So, the percentages work out roughly as follows:
- 5%, "vendors" a.k.a. "human specimen" a.k.a. "salesmen" a.k.a. "expense account over-chargers"
- 10% "buyers" a.k.a. "losers" a.k.a. "dumbasses" a.k.a. "gullible fools" a.k.a... you get the idea
- 10% "watchers" a.k.a. "people who aren't gonna buy anything but just want samples" a.k.a. "losers"
- 75% janitorial and other nondescript staff
It's true. Every time you go to a convention, there are always more people "working" on the convention center staff than people actually attending the convention. This is due to the fact that there must be 10 workers for every bathroom stall (not to clean it, just to sign their name on the piece of paper in the bathroom saying they signed the piece of paper in the bathroom, 9 are there to "supervise"). There are concession stand workers whose sole purpose in life is to give efficiency experts aneurisms with their effictiveness at being completely inefficient.
"yes."
"i'd like a hot dog, and..."
(Walks off to get hot dog, searches for tongs, finds them, holds hot dog teetering precariously in tongs whilst looking for the bag of buns. Finds bag of buns, contemplates for 3 minutes on how to open the bag and retrieve a bun whilst still holding tongs with hotdog in it. Finally decides that it'd be a better idea to set the hot dog down on the counter for a minute, where it proceeds to roll off onto the floor. Sensing that there is a 5 second rule that is about to expire, bends over, picks up the hot dog, shoots glance back at customer, and proceeds to put it in bun that has been hopened too wide so that there is no longer a "pocket" for the hot dog to rest in and instead, it falls through like a sideways sandwich, brings back to counter.)
"a slice of pizza..."
(Walks into back room past the pizza, disappears for about 8 minutes, emerges with shirt no longer tucked into pants and toilet paper stuck to shoes, proceeds to reach into pizza warming area and pull out slice with thumb on cheese, holds it for a minute whilst contemplating best service vessel, decides on plate designed to hold 3 m&m's)
"and a cok... nevermind"
Also, who seems to be making the money at the conventions? That's right, the convention center. No one else really makes any money there. They think they are, but they're not. Once the price of the booth, the labor and all the samples are taken into account, it takes a company approximately 12 years and 9 virgins to recoup the cost. The convention center charges money for people showing off their wares and charges money to people who want to buy things from said merchants. It's genius. They're creating a solution and the problem.
As everyone knows, the only place that actually has a convention center that gets used as a convention center is las vegas. All other cities build convention centers, but they are mainly for show. Much like the "living room" in a house that no one is allowed to use or live in. Las vegas is a good place for a convention because you can go under the rouse of doing business, and stay under the rouge of a prostitue (oh man, that was clever right there...). Oh man, prostitutes, what a great way to end a post...
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identivy. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
posted by jon at
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
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