Gotta Chew It With The Fronts...
There are alot of products on the market that promise all kinds of greatness and wonders. Magic elixrs that can make your poop solidify, or if it's too solid, can melt it into more manageable lumps, pills that can make your hair grow, your boobs grow, and your penis grow (last two not ususally used in combination). There are pills that make you smarter, drinks that make you stronger and cream that makes your inhibitions go away (read: dove firming cream makes fat people not care that they're fat).
Of all these products, there are very few that actually work as directed. I mean, i took the penis pills that were advertised in my email box for the last 4 years and all i've gotten is an increase of about half a millimeter (granted, that doubled the size of my penis, but still...). Some of the products out there have claims that are so rediculous that it's hard to see how anyone wouldn't buy them. Like the fat dissolving pills. What a great idea. No working out needed, just take this pill, and fat will melt off your body except, whoa, there's that whole problem of your skin being a relatively non-porous surface, so after the fat melts, where's it gonna go? That's right, cankles... You'd have a great body until you got to your knees, where it would look like you were wearing flared jeans save for the fact that the flares are skin colored and aren't very fashionable.
Some of my favorite products are the gums. The nicotine gum for instance. Why should you smoke, when you can get almost all of the bad parts of cigarettes in a disgusting tasting gum? I've never chewed the stuff before, but i'd imagine that in order to get the taste of monkey poop out of my mouth, i'd have to smoke a cigarette as to replace it with the taste of monkey's ass (mmm, it's always better at the source).
This brings us to my single favorite self-improvement supplement: the tooth whitening gum. All the major brands put out some form of this gum. You know you've chewed some at some point, thinking: "if i'm gonna be chewing gum anyway, might as well whiten my teeth while i'm at it." Sure, i've thought it too. That is until, i realized one severe flaw. The iceberg in the side of the titanic marketing scheme. I don't chew gum with the fronts of my teeth. I mean, you'd have to take the gum out of your mouth, hold it with your fingers, and literally rub the gum onto the fronts of your teeth if you would want it to have any kind of whitening effect. I'd imagine that there are lots of people with really white tops and bottoms of teeth that can't even be seen if their mouth is closed.
One can only hope that there will be some sort of saving grace at some point with a product that actually works. In fact, that would actually be a fun project to partake in. Stay tuned for the "products that claim a huge deal but in reality are kinda crappy" series. Oh man, i need to take my vitamins before tom cruise gets pissed at me again... lates.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
Of all these products, there are very few that actually work as directed. I mean, i took the penis pills that were advertised in my email box for the last 4 years and all i've gotten is an increase of about half a millimeter (granted, that doubled the size of my penis, but still...). Some of the products out there have claims that are so rediculous that it's hard to see how anyone wouldn't buy them. Like the fat dissolving pills. What a great idea. No working out needed, just take this pill, and fat will melt off your body except, whoa, there's that whole problem of your skin being a relatively non-porous surface, so after the fat melts, where's it gonna go? That's right, cankles... You'd have a great body until you got to your knees, where it would look like you were wearing flared jeans save for the fact that the flares are skin colored and aren't very fashionable.
Some of my favorite products are the gums. The nicotine gum for instance. Why should you smoke, when you can get almost all of the bad parts of cigarettes in a disgusting tasting gum? I've never chewed the stuff before, but i'd imagine that in order to get the taste of monkey poop out of my mouth, i'd have to smoke a cigarette as to replace it with the taste of monkey's ass (mmm, it's always better at the source).
This brings us to my single favorite self-improvement supplement: the tooth whitening gum. All the major brands put out some form of this gum. You know you've chewed some at some point, thinking: "if i'm gonna be chewing gum anyway, might as well whiten my teeth while i'm at it." Sure, i've thought it too. That is until, i realized one severe flaw. The iceberg in the side of the titanic marketing scheme. I don't chew gum with the fronts of my teeth. I mean, you'd have to take the gum out of your mouth, hold it with your fingers, and literally rub the gum onto the fronts of your teeth if you would want it to have any kind of whitening effect. I'd imagine that there are lots of people with really white tops and bottoms of teeth that can't even be seen if their mouth is closed.
One can only hope that there will be some sort of saving grace at some point with a product that actually works. In fact, that would actually be a fun project to partake in. Stay tuned for the "products that claim a huge deal but in reality are kinda crappy" series. Oh man, i need to take my vitamins before tom cruise gets pissed at me again... lates.
Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
posted by jon at
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
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