Gym Rats...

The salty smell, the soothing sounds, the clanging of metal, the guttoral tones? That's right, you're in a gym. Most of my readers at this point are probably asking themselves: "a what?" A gym man, a gym. A place you go to work out and do stuff that makes you smelly and tired.

It's kind of like a time accelerator. Within a matter of a few minutes, you can attain the stink and grossness of a full weeks' worth of geeking it up positioning yourself in front of a computer with nothing else but microwave burritos and a 12 pack of coke to keep you company.

As it turns out, there are supposedly other "benefits" to going to the gym. There's the whole "you get healthier and more fit" thing. Ok, let's just say for argument's sake, that this is true. It seems that most people are unable to maintain any kind of level high enough to actually be able to attain something so grandiose as to become fit. This can be evidenced by the people who "work" at these establishments. They are all always really excited about "working out" and are always excited when you go to the gym because i think they honestly feel that they can get you to "work out" and by doing so, it somehow makes their "workout" that much more meaninful, sort of like an affiliate program where they get a percentage of your "workout."

This is actually a pretty good explanation for what happens when i go to the gym. I "work out" and when i'm done, i'm smelly and tired, but look exactly the same, except wet, and smelly. Meanwhile, the guy who signed me up (who has yet to actually do anything that is even remotely related to "working out"), is sitting at the protein shake bar, chatting with the ladies about the benefits of using the plates that are bigger because they make "these bigger" (points to bicep). There's nothing women love more than intelligible conversation about... well, nothing. (the previous sentence is an example of what women would want you to believe... the whole "i want a man with a brain.. blah blah blah" but given the choice between a man with a really big brain, and an equally large gut to go along with it, and a man with a brain the size of a... well, molecule of protein but muscles out to the casbah... you get the idea)

"whaaaaaaaat did you say? I'll crush your head right in this little space between my fists. Actually, could you stick your head between my fists? Thanks. I'll cruuuuush you!!!"


Well i'll be damned... maybe it really is about the brains... Part of the bad pic to prove my point series.

Anyway, you get the idea. What sounds good on paper, and what actually happens are two different things. I used to go to the gym. I'd weigh myself before every workout to see if i had lost any weight from the time before. It turns out i weighed less each time, but i think it had more to do with the fact that i ate less and less before working out each time because as it turns out, when you work out with a full stomach, you want to puke pretty bad.

I was talking to a friend of mine who loves to work out. She lives for working out. I mean, aside from spending 20 hours a day at work, even on the weekends, she loves to work out. Even with this whirlwind schedule actually, she was able to point out an interesting habit of the people who go to gyms (we'll call these people, the "not serious... dudes.."): gym patrons drive around the parking lot, looking for the closest spot. I repeat: people are driving around, looking for the closest spot... on the way to working out... And the bookies take a hit.

I think by now, we should all realize that none of us are gonna ever look like the people on tv because, those people aren't really real. I mean, people have lives ya know. Some people have to go to work, some people have to tend to the kids, and some people have to sit around and think of interesting stuff to write about on a blog, then you have people like me, who sit around and try to think of interesting stuff, but can't and just write whatever down.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?