Heat Wave...

Weather is a funny thing. There are many different types of weather, and different types of reactions to those different types of weather. Weather is very versatile, we all have to deal with it, and it's the universal ice breaker.

(awkward silence)
"Man, it's really windy today"
"Yeah"
"Fancy a fuck?"

This is usually where the wheels fall off the wagon for me, but if you have had other experiences, let me know. But the weather thing doesn't seem to be quite enough for me to "close the deal" if you know what i mean.

Anyway, there was a relative heat wave rolling it's ugly ass through the california area today, and it was pretty terrible. Imagine, it's november, and i'm just minding my own damn business, and all of a sudden, there's more sweat dripping from my body than there is stink coming from the weird dude sitting next to me on the bus (ok, so i don't take the bus, nor have i ever taken the bus, but i'd imagine it'd be full of smelly dudes).

My car registered somewhere in the neighborhood 91 degrees today. Ninety one freaking degrees. I mean, wtf people? I have lived in california for the last 2 years, and i still can't really get used to the weather. And by can't get used to, i mean, can't get used to the fact that the weather never changes. I mean, it's sunny all the time. Is that even right? I don't think so. Weather is supposed to change, and the changing it does here is go from sunny, to a little less sunny. It's craziness i tell you, craziness.

Of course, this weekend, when i am out of town, it's supposed to cool down, but in the meantime, i'm stuck in a heatwave a week after i got a letter informing me that my a/c had been shut off. Yay is me. Upon seeing the forecast for today, i had to drench my boxers, then throw them in the freezer in preparation for the sweating my balls were about to encounter. Did it help? Well, once they come back out of hiding, I'll let you know.

Deal, or Kill me in the Face...?

Those who know me know that i'm the awesomest person to ever walk the earth a pretty laid back individual. For the most part, things don't really illicit such strong feelings from me that i am able to call it hate. The things that i in fact do say that i hate are few and far between. Generally, it can be summed up with 3 words: cil-lan-tro. That's right, i absolutely hate cilantro. It tastes like what i imagine asshole would taste like. Well, asshole probably tastes like meat, so in fact, cilantro is worse... than ass...

This brings me to my next issue of hate. For the most part, i can see or hear something that annoys me (like the el pollo loco theme song), but then forget about it when the next annoying song comes along. Most of the time, this holds pretty true, but then again, every once in awhile, there comes a force so strong, that even my powers of apathy are helpless to stop them. This brings us to our central point:

Damnit i hate howie mandel. There are a plethora of reasons why i feel this hatred. I mean, i think he's a funny guy, which actually keeps the hatred to slightly hate instead of say, wish were eaten by fire ants, but there is still more bad than good. Let's roll down the points, shall we?

1. Being a germaphobe - This has got to be one of the dumbest phobias out there. I mean, afraid of germs? Wtf? Anyone who isn't 4 years old knows that there's no such thing as germs. There's viruses, bacteria, things like that, but a word that is all encompassing? Nope. So, the germaphobe within dear mr. mandel apparently manifests itself through the inability to touch his palm against someone elses' palm otherwise known as the "handshake."
Instead, he does something called the "fist punch" or the "stupid secret handshake." He does this by extending his fist and the move is finished when the other person pounds his fist against said fist. So, what if there are "germs" on my fist? Ever thought about that? Didn't think so.

2. The soul patch - I think howie has mistaken himself for being apollo anton ohno (which in case you don't remember, which i'm assuming most people don't, was the short track speed skater in the olypmics who had pubes on his chin). I don't even know what the point is of having facial hair if it's only going to be the same shape as his pubic hair. Not that i've seen his pubic hair, and not that i want to... damnit, i knew this would blow up in my face.

3. The damn show - Is there a more mind-numbing show than deal or no deal? I've become stupider at the mere mention of the show. See? I don't even think "stupider" is a word. And if it is, may it be featured on the next compelling episode of deal or no deal. "Up next, someone will win a million dollars, or may i be labeled stupider than others." Yes, i can see it now, and it is grand.

Ok, so maybe i've been a bit hard on mr. mandel, and i'm sure he's a good guy (although rule #13 states: never trust a bald man with pubes on his chin), but for now, he's right up there... with cilantro, and if i were martha stewart, i would have to say "that's not a good thing."