What men really mean...

Welcome, to a random installment of "What men really mean..."

Today's Sentence (now with convenient color coding):

"I'm saving myself for the right woman."

By "saving myself," of course i mean "desparate"
By "right," of course i mean "any"
And by "woman," of course i mean, "thing with heartbeat... hell doesn't even need a heartbeat"

Stomach Communications?

I oft wonder whether my stomach is trying to communicate with me. Not in the way where it sends chemical signals (wait, Tom Cruise would stop me here, saying that there are no chemicals, or structures called stomaches for that matter in my body, so we'll continue the following in the abstract) to my brain, or my stomach "feeling" full after i've eaten approximately 149 pounds of food (10 pounds per dollar) at a buffet, but really communicate.
Sometimes, i swear, i'll be sitting in my chair, minding my own business, i hear what sounds to be a gurgled (obviously, because it's buried in my body cavity) voice saying what i swear sounds like "pizza." Puzzled, i keep listening, hoping to find out more information.

"Does my stomach want pizza?" I ask myself.
"I had pizza yesterday. Does it dislike the fact that i ate the pizza yesterday? C'mon! Give me some damn clues! Was it the toppings? You have to tell me what you want! No more anchovies and haggus? TALK TO ME DAMNIT!"

At which point, i usually find something more interesting to watch on tv, and cease worrying about the whole incident... until, "sushi"

"What the hell? I haven't had sushi in weeks! Wait, maybe i want sushi today. Do i want sushi today? Man, sushi sounds good, and i haven't had it in weeks!"

Which leads me to believe that there is in fact, a speaker, implanted in my stomach, implanted there whilst i slept, a joint venture between all the different facets of the foodservice industry, intent on putting subliminal (sorry, had to use the word Mr. President), messages in my brain to get me to eat certain foods (turns out the cilantro industry didn't invest a significant amount in said venture).

Well, if that's the case, it's brilliant. I mean, i have so much trouble trying to figure out what to eat day in and day out, that i wish the speaker was more readily audible. If only wishing made it so.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I saw a girl ripping out the petals of a flower once saying 'he loves me, he loves me not.' I wonder what the flower would say if he could talk. He'd probably say 'ouch! that hurts!' 'ouch! that hurts as well!' 'and he loves you not.' 'And I am no longer beautiful.' 'I could have told you I had an even number of petals!'

aaaah the romance... and then...

The beach, the sand, the waves, the palm trees, the cool ocean breeze, the sunset over the water... can you think of anything more romantic? (well, yeah, but that'll come later)

Now, romance is one of those things that people always talk about (ooh, i want my wedding to be romantic, i want this to be romantic, ooh how romantic, man, wasn't that romantic?), and by people of course i mean women. A man's idea of romance is probably more along the lines of a girl wearing something skimpy with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other (i'm not saying that's me but i'm just saying...).

For the sake of this argument, let's examine closer one of the most "romantic" things that people (read: women) think of: a sunset on the beach.
First of all, i was recently watching an episode of "Average Joe" which consequently they shoot all the yacht scenes here at the Marina (Del Rey for the LA people), and there was a "romantic" date where they were watching a sunset. OK, i actually live here... so when i say this, i know what i'm talking about. There are a few points to address here:
1) It's too freaking cold to be anywhere near the water.
2) Sex in the sand means you'll get sand in... all kinds of places.
3) Did i mention that it's cold in the water? If you got splashed any time during the day or night, and you were a man... you would encounter what i refer to as "shy turtle syndrome"

And now to the reality of the romance. People (read: women) think that the sunset would be so romantic, but let me illustrate the reality of that particular situation. What happens one minute after the sun goes down? That's right, it's DARK. You can't see shit, and you can only hear waves that seem to get closer and closer to you until, SPLASH! and it's shy turtle city! Also, that's when bugs and various crabs that hang out on the beach go looking for warm places to chill for the night (read: my buttcrack).

Let's recap, we're now in the dark, we're cold, wet, there's sand everywhere, and now crabs pinching my thighs trying to get to my nether-regions, and i can't find my damn car keys...
If by romance, you mean crappiness? Then yes, sunsets on the beach are VERY romantic.

Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

You know how on commercials for shampoo they show people washing their hair in a waterfall? Well that's bullshit cuz the waterfall would knock you on your ass.

The Over/Under

The weekly presentation of things that are overrated and underrated. Let's get it going.

The Over:

• Name brand condoms
  
• "Corrective" lenses
  
• Sanity
  

The Under:

• Greasy foods
  
• Febreeze
  
• My typing speed (90 WPM if you must know)
  

Probably...

the single funniest thing i have ever seen on the internet.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

What's for Dinner?

First, i must say, twice baked potatoes: delicious, but a real pain in the ass to make.


Roasted Chicken Thighs, with Twice Baked Potatoes

Chicken Thighs
Potatoes
Butter
Cheese
Milk
Salt
Pepper
etc... etc...

Basically, oil up the chicken (it helps to imagine that the chicken is a hot woman on the beach), season it (once again, helps to imagine it's a hot woman), throw it in the oven. 350 degrees for about 25 minutes, meanwhile, slice up some onions and saute them, flip the chicken, put the onions on top, increase to 400 degrees for another 10 minutes.

For the potatoes, you need to start early. Wash some potatoes, poke fork holes in them, then bake them for around an hour at 350 degrees. Afterwards, take it back out, let it rest a bit, and then cut down the middle, scoop out potato insides... add butter, salt, pepper, garlic powder, if you want, you can also add sour cream, chives, bacon... etc etc... then some cheese on top. Bake in oven 350 for another 10-15 minutes...

Enjoy.

Things that make me feel old(er)...

There's lots of things that can serve the purpose of alerting you to the passage of time.
The actual passage of time, the old man staring back at you in the mirror where you were used to seeing some hunky guy, when there are more wrinkles on your hands than your ballsack.
Granted i'm not quite at that level quite yet, there are indeed things that make me feel old(er) (i add the (er) in there for the benefit of some of my friends who would scoff at my saying that)

Even though there are lots of different categories with which i could elaborate, i'll keep this post relatively focused on the media.

TV

When you watch the second showing of SNL at night, and you've actually seen the show when it origially aired. It used to be, for me anyway, that i would hate it when the second showing came on (usually around 2 a.m.), because there would be nothing else to watch, and i'd have to watch a show from the 70s or 80s that i thought were funny, but were still too old for me to really relate to. That is until recently, when they started showing episodes from the early 90s. Recently, there was an episode with host Bob Saget and musical Guest TLC.

The episode was that featuring the cast that i thought (and still do think), was the best cast of SNL including Adam Sandler, Phil Hartman, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Chris Farley et al.
Kids nowadays that don't remember that cast, only know SNL as the launching pad for Will Ferrell, and well, really no one else.

Speaking of kids these days (i sound like an old-timer "when i was a young lad..."), there is a terrible thing happening in the realm of television: a lack of quality animated tv shows.

When i was a kid, i watched great shows like DuckTales, with interesting plot lines, and most importantly, decent animation. Back then, it seemed that people who were involved in the production of animated tv series (read: cartoons) actually gave a crap about how it looked.Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers was another cartoon that i really enjoyed. I mean, it took quite a bit of imagination for the animators of this show because they needed to make things that looked believeable (the aircraft made of household consumables).
It wasn't quite the level of imagination used these days in animated "greats" such as a talking sponge who consequently wears square pants, and lives in a pineapple that was dropped into the ocean by a drunken Hawaiian fisherman.


Radio
One of the things that helped fuel my thought process that i was getting old(er), was when i was flipping through radio stations, and came across music that i liked, only to later discover that i was listening to an oldies station. OLDIES!
You know what band i was listening to at the time? You guessed it, Metallica
Metallica? on an oldies station? OK, granted metallica's first studio release was Kill 'em All released in 1983, still, when i was growing up, they were who you listened to when you wanted to send your parents into the "why did we ever have children?" thought process.

Even more unbelievable? Nirvana!
Now, Nirvana's first studio release, Bleach was released in 1989, which is now 16 years ago. To put things in further perspective, Kurt Cobain died on April 8, 1994, 11 years ago. 11 years... a lot has happened in the last 11 years, such as the invention of the internet by Al Gore (although scholars would say that it's been around longer than that, but who really had more than hourly internet access in '94?), the terrible riots and armageddon that was the direct result of the Y2K bug, the name changes of P Diddy, Snoop Dogg, and J-Lo (along with 24 or so marriages/divorces).

What is the lesson to be learned here (because this is an educational blog)? That we need to record good tv shows while they're on (although it's too late now), and keep requesting "old" music on the "hip and modern" radio stations, and most importantly, to not marry J-Lo.


On to the Mitch Hedberg QotD:

When Gatorade has a commercial, they always have like a guy playing sports. I don't think you have to be playing sports and be sweaty to enjoy a Gatorade. I just think you can be, a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. 'I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too? Or does that lightning bolt mean no?'

Buy Mitch's CD's

Sunday's Recipe

Today: Pork Tenderloin w/Mashed potatoes and veggies.

Needed:

For Pork Tenderloin
1 lb Pork Tenderloin (or Porn for short)
1/2 Onion, sliced tinly
1 Stalk Celery, chopped (or substitute sliced mushrooms)
1/2 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Pepper
1/2 tsp Garlic Powder
1 1/2 cup Red Wine (use something decent, as the pork will be infused with the taste)
1 pack Brown Gravy Mix

For Mashed Potatoes
1-2 lbs Russet Potatoes, cut into 1" cubes
2 tblsp Butter
1/4 cup Milk
1/2 cup Shredded Cheese (Extra Sharp Cheddar works well)
1/2 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Pepper
1/4 tsp Paprika
1/4 tsp Garlic Powder
1/8 tsp Curry Powder
1/8 tsp Cayenne Pepper


Pork Tenderloin:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Meanwhile, place tenderloin in a baking dish, season with salt, pepper, and garlic powder (around all sides). Cover with onions and celery (or mushrooms), pour wine over pork.
Place in oven for 40-45 minutes, until center of meat is at 160 degrees.
Once finished, take pork out, let rest 5 minutes, and add gravy mix to the remaining wine in the pan.
Cut Pork, pour gravy over and serve.

Mashed Potatoes:
Boil 3-4 cups of water with salt to taste. Add potatoes into boiling water, boil for approx 10 minutes or until potatoes break apart easily with a fork (not too much, make sure they aren't completely mushy). Drain.
Add milk, butter, cheese, seasonings, and mash and stir with a fork. More milk will make the potatoes more fluffy if that's what you want.

Vegetables:
I just buy the Ralph's (Kroger) brand frozen vegetables that come in a box (in this case, the brussels sprouts). Boil half a cup of water or so, and add frozen vegetables. Once the water has returned to a boil, lower heat to medium low, and cover for around 8 minutes. Drain, and season to taste.

Enjoy.

Actual pictures of my creation btw...

Chirpless....

Ever since i moved out to LA, there's one thing that's bothered me.

It's not the earthquakes, it's not the fact that there is no semblance to reality du to there not being distinct seasons, it's not even the ocean... of silicone...

So, what is it that bothers me to the point of creeping me out every night waking up in a cold sweat and wondering how much longer i will have to endure this torture? That's right, no crickets.
There's no chirping here... at all... Now, i'm from tennessee, the land of the nights that are louder than living in kirstie alley's stomach, with odd noises emanating from every possible dark corner, with strange rustlings and random legs rubbing together at night.

I mean, i guess it's possible that due to the approximately 24,283 cars that pass by my building, that the sound of the crickets is merely being drowned out, but i am under the belief that in this odd land of botox boutiques, acting academies and spanish speakers (alliteration right there fella), there are no such things as insects (except the west nile virus carrying mosquitoes, but who doesn't love them). I mean, there aren't sharks in the ocean, there aren't bears in the mountains, so is it too out of the ordinary to think that there are no chirping insects? That's right...

When i used to live in the south, you'd open the window at night, because the 200% humidity outside was nicer than the steam trunk that my room would be, i would hear so many different bugs doing their love chants that it made you realize that if you ever left the confines of your home, you would probably be eaten by bugs that were vindictive due to the whole indiana jones "fiasco."
Here, i open the window at night, and there's not much that can be heard over the sound of car engines, planes flying overhead, and sounds of my own stomach getting progressively agitated over my choice of dinner fare (what's wrong with eating 4 packs of uncooked top ramen?). The only sound of nature that you can hear here is the sound of natural selection. What does natural selection sound like you ask? Oddly, it sounds very similar to the sound of someone firing off a couple of rounds from an uzi. Aaaaaah, nature... i'm gonna go back out onto my patio and enjoy it some more.

Angry Rebellious Teen Girl Music

I've come to a conclusion that most of the artists that are adored by high-school aged, "misunderstood" girls, fall into three distinct categories:

1) Women who are attractive, but are a bit too "passionate"
2) Women who are passionate because they're NOT attractive
3) Women who are on the fence with their passion and who are semi-attractive

I realize that by categorizing lesbian music into those three categories subjugates said artists into exactly the place in society where they do not want to be. Tough.
There are several women who played in the lilith fair tour (the benchmark for angry rebellious teen girl music), who are quite attractive. The few that come to mind instantly (without looking up a listing of previous Lilith Fair Tour artist web sites) are Lisa Loeb... well, Lisa Loeb.... that's it...

For the benifit of you, dedicated and loyal reader, i will leave out women from categories 2 and 3.
After looking up some pictures online of Lilith Fair Tour participants (among other things), i've whittled down the list to a managable 4 artists.



Sarah McLaughlin

Sarah is quite attractive, in that, if i liked girls who used to look like boys, but now look like hot women sorta way.












Lisa Loeb

She's the hottie geek girl that every geek guy (much like myself), has a huge crush on, then turns out she can play the guitar pretty well too, and makes jocks like her, much to the dismay of geeky guys, because now she can date the jocks if she wanted to (a little bitter are we?)











Susanna Hoffs

I am completely unaware of anything Susanna Hoffs has done, musically, in life, with magical wiccan powers, but she's pretty hot!














The Chick from the Cardigans

Never has a sweater-vest looked so sexy.
(note: me calling this chick a chick would solidify my place as one of the people who would never "get" the music that these chicks listen to)







Mitch Hedberg's QotD

The hotel I'm staying at doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but c'mon, the people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. Try jumping out the window, you will die earlier! If the number 13 is unlucky, so should the letter 'B' be, because it looks like a scrunched together 13. 'What's your name?' 'BOB?' 'Get the fuck away!'

What's blue and fits in my pants?

Why... Smurfs of course!

Paramount Pictures has acquired the rights to the tribe of small, blue-tinted characters created by Belgian cartoonist Peyo and propelled to worldwide fame in the early 1980s through a hit US television series.

The top Tinseltown studio is planning a 3-D computer-generated animated Smurf feature film that will form part of a trilogy of "Smurf" movies, the first of which is slated for release in 2008, Daily Variety said.

Now, i'm as much in favor of a smurf movie as the next guy (provided the next guy grew up watching the smurfs and had 30 smurf figurines, even though he could never get his hands on a damn "ho" smurf er, smurfette), but there's a few bones i have to pick with the idea of making this particular movie.
I mean, 3-d smurfs? Does that mean we're gonna get to see some smurfette boobies? (which also begs the question, are they gonna issue 3-d glasses at the door?)
Smurfette is an enigma. She's the only female smurf in the entire world of smurfs. This leads to one of three distinct possibilities:
1) She is the mother of all smufs (literally)
2) She is the only daughter to a father who's wife died at some point in the past, leaving the future of the smurf race on her shoulders
3) There were tons of other female smurfs at one point, but smurfette, being the vein bitch that she is, needed to have all the love and affection for herself, and brutally murdered all the other female smurfs (perhaps she hired papa smurf to kill them all, and in the process, he stained his pants and cap)

What's the coolest thing about being a smurf?
If you're not papa smurf, or smurfette, your name is determined by your personality traits, physical attributes, or the way you behave.
For example:
lazy smurf, sleepy smurf, retarded smurf, slighly fruity smurf, obese smurf, mooch smurf, army smurf, likes to dress up like he's in the army but he's actually not smurf, etc...
As a side note, i'm pretty sure that all of the 7 dwarfs started as smurfs seeing how their names are all indicitave of their traits, and then were cast out for being too, er... light skinned

The only other difference between smurfs and the seven dwarves? The seven dwarves wear shirts. I believe that they are perhaps just smurfs that got jobs versus the embarassing country cousins who "live off the land wearing only condoms on their heads and cute little booties. No shirt? No Problem!

I think for Papa Smurf, there are three distinct possibilities.
1) Jay-Z
2) Snoop Dogg
3) Former President William Jefferson Clinton
What do these three people have in common? They're all PIMPS! just like papa smurf.
BTW, i decided to "pimpify" all of the names, and here's what i found:
1) Reverend Jay Jazz (pretty cool)
2) Papa Dogg Flash (isn't that what he goes by now anyway?)
3) Sheik Bill Tickle (which i believe will become President Clinton's next job title)

What's the way to start your day?

Get into a car accident... that's how.

Late Nite... TV (what were the chances?)

I love watching tv, but even i sometimes can't stand certain programming choices by the networks. Of course by that i'm referring to infomercials. They're commercials, but informative, still haven't quite figured out why they're called infomercials though...

When watching too many infomercials for a long time, there's always that nagging question... "man, i really hate having to cut my frozen vegetables with my hacksaw, i wish someone would invent some kind of knife that could cut them without having to ever sharpen them."

Those were the good ole days, when ginsu knives and showtime rotisserie ovens were the soup du jour (which is french for useless crap). These days, i'd be hard pressed to try to find a good infomercial. They're all about how i can make money very fast with little or no effort whatsoever on my part (sometimes, all that's required is my credit card number, and they'll actually put the money into my account for me).
I'm all about get rich quick schemes, but there's nothing in the infomercials to sweeten it enough to keep my attention. I mean, with the ginsu knives, i'd sit on the edge of my seat wondering what they could possibly cut next on that fabled cutting board (wait, what? you're gonna cut the cutting board? madness i say! madness!). As a side note, it turns out that after you cut something with these knives that you couldn't even cut with the jaws of life, you MUST follow it up with the subsequent sacrifice of a tomato.
I used to actually look foward to some of the new products that would come from the mind, nay, the definition of brilliance, otherwise known as Ron Popeil's brain. I mean, what a genius that guy is. Let's have a quick rundown of some of the brilliance to come from this genius:

The ShowTime Rotisserie Oven - for those people who are too lazy to drive down to Costco or Sam's and buy your own $5 chicken

The RonCo Pasta Maker - haven't you always wanted to try chocolate linguine?

(My personal favorite) The RonCo Food Dehydrator - for the people who enjoy waiting a week to eat raisins (note: if you don't have money for a food dehydrator, you can achieve similar results with a car parked outside on a hot day, just don't try to make the fruit roll ups, trust me)

The Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler - i'm not kidding about this one. For people who are too lazy to........ stir.

GLH - Hair.... in.... a.... can.... there's nothing more to say


And who can forget, the RonCo Bagel Cutter... um... can you say, GENIOUS?

Anyway, my point is, now all i have to watch on tv that's on so late that it's considered morning, is how to beat the stock market (unlike all those losers who do it for a living, I can actually make money no matter what the market is doing), how to buy real estate with peanut shells ground down into a fine paste and then molded into the shape of an opossum (or possum for all you pretentious northerners) of all things. Useful information definately, but as exciting as being able to take a RAW chicken, then only 17 hours later enjoying half-cooked poultry?



Mitch Hedberg's QotD

I was watching tv and saw a commercial for a garden hose attachment. The commercial said 'you can water your hard to reach plants with this product.' What kind of person would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.
'I know you need water, but I will make you hard to reach. Hopefully someone will invent a product before you shrivel and die.'

The Over/Under

Once a week, i will present to you, a list... it will become painfully self-explanitory.

The Over(rated)

• Doing Laundry
• Mad Cow Disease
• Being "Healthy"
  

The Under(rated)

• Peanut m&m's
• McDonald's Dollar Menu
• Martha Stewart (she's awesome, seriously)
  

Does anyone else find bitchy girls to be oddly attractive?

Distractions A Plenty

There are a few things in the world, that when both the positive and negative are considered simultaneously, give a positive end result.
If the previous statement was a bit cryptic, or perhaps even philosophical (which people who know me will tell you is unlikely), it only serves to illustrate a point i have, although more than likely i will end up distracted along the way whilst making my point at the same time.

For example:
Hot and Cold
Usually, one thinks of one or the other. Say, on a hot summer day, you think "man, i wish there would be a breeze of february over the next hilltop, so that i could get away from some of this freaking heat" or "holy crap it's cold in here, perhaps i should light myself on fire"
But people tend to fail to realize when the simplicity of both hot and cold melding together can create utter bliss. Case in point: peach cobbler a la mode.... mmmmm
The mix of the hot cobbler (with real Georgia peaches no less), coupled together with the cold hit of ice cream (vanilla is the only flavor that can even start to enter into this equation) create a sensation of happiness that can only be compared to your line at the DMV moving with clockwork-like efficiency.

Good and Bad (a.k.a. love and hate, but not really)
Sometimes it's nice being good, and sometimes, nice being bad... both have their merits, and both have their drawbacks. But doesn't it sometimes feel Good to be Bad?
Like when i drink milk straight out of the carton (or plastic vessel as they normally come in nowadays), knowing full well that the bacteria from my mouth will probably foul it well before the expiration date (that's kinda gross, now that i read it).
And sometimes it feels Bad being Good, like how you feel when you return someone's wallet with (most of) their money still in it.

Even though those analogies really have nothing to do with my actual point, i just felt like writing them down because my fingers were bored and my brain was excited (a bad combination if you ask me).
Oh yeah, my point.

I enjoy being distracted on the internet. I mean, i know that there are things that i should be doing, like looking for a job, reading up on football news, to hold me over during the black hole of sports, or even looking up plane tickets to destinations that i can't afford to go to (refer back to beginning of sentence), but i still enjoy being distracted.
Take for instance even just now before i started writing this post, i was reading another blog, thinking, "wow, that's a nice font, perhaps i should change mine." So i opened up a new browser window, where my homepage popped up (yahoo, for those of you who need to know), and started looking over the top news stories, which are conveniently located on the home page.
What's that i see? a story about how the navy is developing fake shark skin to make their ships faster and to reduce barnacle buildup on the hulls (a true story btw)? oh man, gotta read that one.
Oh? another link within the article about possible cloaking technology? holy crap, i'm a star trek fan, MUST read that one. Ah sweet! an article within the last one about the Mythbusters and Shark Week! (as an aside, i hope you, dear reader appreciate the time and effort that went into including actual links to the separate web sites, but if you're anything like me, your natural tendency would have been to click on the first link, and become so distracted that you'd never come back to read this sentence)

So let's recap.
Earlier i stated, and i quote (conveniently marked by using the nifty quote function in the blogger):

although more than likely i will end up distracted along the way whilst making my point at the same time

This is what i meant. I went off on another tangent in trying to get to my point about being distracted... Hmm, i feel like i was supposed to do something with fonts or something but... wait, what's that? The U.S. Airforce is looking into possible teleportation technology? Gotta check that one out...

Note: I actually did get distracted by the teleportation article, and almost forgot to include the Mitch Hedberg QotD.
BTW, just in case i am copyright infringing (which i'm pretty sure i am), i hope i can make up for it by influding a nifty link of where to buy Mitch's CD's. The proceeds go to his surviving family.

Once I was at a casino, minding my own business, when a security guard came by and told me I had to move because I was blocking a fire exit. As if, if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. I think if you're flammable, and have legs, you can NEVER BE BLOCKING A FIRE EXIT!

The Reality of TV (Part 2.5)

In this edition of as TV turns: game shows.
now, there are several shows out there that have awesome formats, and have stood the test of time. I've never been one of those people who was into "gimicky" shows, although they certainly have their place (i still enjoy a fun episode of "Wheel of Fortune" every once in awhile), instead i have always enjoyed quiz shows (partly based on my personal perception that i am the smartest person alive, although my Jeopardy! test results didn't quite support that statement).

I mentioned Jeopardy! here (note, when you write it, it is required by U.S. Law section 4.20.5339.us.jp.abc.sony that you must put the exclamation point at the end of the title, sort of like the "bum bum" at the end of the song), because that is one of my all time favorite quiz shows.
I haven't really been alive long enough to see the ones that were rigged, but i imagine i would have enjoyed those too, because we really don't care about the people ON the show, all we care about is are we better at the shows than the people we're sitting on the couch with (it helps when you invite all your "stupid" friends over, and act surprised when said quiz show comes on: "oh? look at that... [enter quiz show name here] is on, i guess we might as well watch it").

Which brings me to the rant... There are several shows out there, that are just either ridiculously boring and slow (read: the game show equivalent of baseball), or ones that have good intentions, but still simply... suck.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Um, me? I can't really make any joke here that hasn't already been made, and obviously who would answer "no" to the question right? (after looking at the logo that i've chosen, it appears that it's the logo for the British version, in which case a million pounds would be much better)
Anyway, the show is one of the examples of those who had good intentions to start, but has careened completely out of control. Do the contestants on the show actually think that I, casual viewer, could give less of a crap about where you heard about whether or not Ivan was a hurricane or not. I mean, it takes them like 5 minutes to answer a freaking question.
If the format was more along the lines of, you answer within a certain time period, or you get eaten alive by sharks... i would watch. Or, if you didn't answer in a certain amount of time, you'd fall through a trap hole in the floor a la:

Russian Roulette

Now, this show was one of my guilty pleasures. Just for the gimmick. I mean, the show itself was ridiculous, but just being able to watch people fall through the ground? Genius.
The closest show by any means of the imagination, was Remote Control on MTV, where the losing contestant was flung into a brick wall (and who doesn't think THAT'S hilarious?).
The downfall of "Russian Roulette" was that it took approximately an IQ of 0.3 to be able to answer the questions correctly (i truly believe that some of the people gave wrong answers on purpose to fall through the floor).
The questions were multiple choice, and were along the lines of: "how many states are there in the United States?" (which, disturbingly enough, a LOT of people don't know)
a) 124 b) 599 c) 50 d) 2

There are several game shows out there that were around well before i was even a twinkle in my parents' eyes... but seemed interesting or not, either way.

You Bet Your Life

Now i have no idea whatsoever about what this game's premise was or what they did on there, or what the duck was for, but if "Millionaire" had the basic tag line of the title of this show, i'd watch it. A true insight into the human psyche as people bet their lives in exchange for $178,000 (after taxes, expenses and fees).
Another completely obscure game (as far as i'm concerned):

The Match Game

Who has any idea WHAT this game was about... matching perhaps? But look at how excited everyone there looks. There on the bottom row in the center? Richard Dawson, original host of Family Feud. Just part of the service at Jon's House of Useless Trivia.

Now to the category of shows that weren't particularly challenging by measure of necessitating ANY form of brain function, but were fun to watch nonetheless.

The Hollywood Squares

Now the name of the show would suggest that the stars on the show were really boring, but nay i say! Now, the latest incarnation might not have really been a huge hit, but it was funny nonetheless. With Whoopi Goldberg (who, turns out isn't Jewish by the way), as the center square, there were some funny moments with not only her, but all the other hilarious guest stars.
The 80s version was the one i personally grew up with, with Joan Rivers as the center square, and the awesome Shadow Stevens working directly "under" her (insert your own joke here).

Press Your Luck

This was seriously one of my favorite shows to watch. I'd watch it everyday after school in order to kill any brain cells that might have been stimulated during the day. The premise of the show, simple enough: press the button, win money. Sweet. Hit a whammy, lose your money. Crap.
They came out with a new "XTREME!" version called "Whammy," but there were just too many little windows, making me drift in and out of dementia while watching it.

Lingo

Seriously one of the most underrated shows, this one is a combination between a quiz show and scrabble. Teams try to find out mystery 5-letter words, by spelling them out, and using clues (correct/incorrect letter, out of place letter), in order to reach into a hole and grab at some balls. Can you say Par-Tay? Plus the GREAT Chuck Woolery (who was consequently, the first host of "Wheel of Fortune") as the host, and once the show got a little more popular, they brought in Australian-accented big boob girl. Nice.

And finally, onto a game that is in a league by itself, perhaps the greatest game show of all time. What is it? Jeopardy!? no, Wheel of Fortune? no. Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire? well... no.

The winner is:

Double Dare!!!!!

(with a close second going to: Super Sloppy Double Dare)
Double Dare, hosted by the greatest TV host of all time (to my generation anyway, ask around to kids of the 80s), Marc Summers. It was the dream of every kid to be able to be on that show (which once again, required IQ levels reaching those of small mice and dandruff). I KNOW kids purposely acted like they didn't know some of the questions JUST so that they could do the physical challenges.
Who didn't want to be on the obstacle course at the end of the show? A loser perhaps?!?!?! To be able to run up a slide covered with chocolate fudge and whipped cream... oh man...
At one point, we even made a fake obstacle course at the day care that i used to go to, but it wasn't quite as glamorous sliding around in dirt and muddy mulch.

But enough of my childhood, and on to the Mitch Hedberg QotD:

I once wrote a letter to my dad, and I wanted to write 'I really enjoy being here' but I accidentally wrote 'I RARELY' instead of 'I REALLY.'
But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to throw it out, so I wrote 'I rarely... drive... steamboats dad. There's alot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn very quickly.'

... but we'll sure try!...

(mini-post)
This is an unofficial part deux (that's 2 for the uninformed) of the Reality TV post.

It appears that the geniuses at UPN decided to jump into the reality TV "buzz" with their own installment of CBS's WILDLY popular Rock Star: INXS (now, who HASN'T memorized every word of that show). It is aptly named "RUtheGIRL: with T-Boz and Chili"
In one of the promos, T-Boz is quoted as saying "she can never be replaced" but apparently they edited out the next line where the remaining members of TLC (now known as T( )C), holding wads of cash in both fists saying "but it's fun and rewarding TRYING!"
What better way to honor a deceased friend than by signing a multi-million dollar contract for a reality TV show in order to replace her? That's how I wanna be remembered...

Express Train to Hell, All Aboard!

Some people DESERVE bad karma

By ALLISON SCHLESINGER, Associated Press Writer

PITTSBURGH - A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday.

Mark R. Downs Jr., 27, of Dunbar, is accused of offering one of his players the money to hit the boy in the head with a baseball, police said. Witnesses told police Downs didn't want the boy to play in the game because of his disability.

Police said the boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a baseball just before a game, and didn't play, police said.

"The coach was very competitive," state police Trooper Thomas B. Broadwater said. "He wanted to win."

Downs has an unpublished telephone number and couldn't immediately be reached for comment Friday. It was unclear whether he had an attorney.

He was arrested and arraigned Friday on charges including criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and corruption of minors. He was released from jail on an unsecured bond.

The alleged assault happened June 27 in North Union Township, about 40 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, authorities said.

The boy's mother asked state police to investigate her son's injuries because she suspected Downs wanted to keep the boy off the field, despite a league rule that required each player to participate in three innings a game, Broadwater said.

Eric Forsythe, the president of the R.W. Clark Youth Baseball League, said Downs had two daughters on the T-ball team.

League organizers investigated accusations against Downs before the T-ball season ended earlier this month but could not prove that he did anything wrong. If Downs is convicted of any crime, he won't be allowed to be a coach next year, Forsythe said. The league is not affiliated with Little League International.

Um... not much to say about this guy, cept maybe it's time I go down there and hit this fucker with a baseball bat in his head and groin and see how much he likes it...

What ever happened to....

In this installment, i present to you: stuff that is no more... or is it?

Tan M&M's?

Now this one, i know the answer to, they were replaced by those bastard blueballs, and that's fine and dandy and everything, but why did it have to come at the expense of another color? If nothing else, they should have gotten rid of the dark brown m&m's, or i like to call them, "camouflage M&M's" because they're the SAME freaking color as the chocolate underneath them. I mean, they might as well make shiny chocolate, and print an "m" on that... now that i think about it, how do we know that's not what they already do?

Which also leads to the question, what the hell are the "m's" that are printed on the candy made of? I mean, what if it's candy goodness covering a chocolate (and sometimes peanut, crunchy or peanut butter center, depending on the color of the package) center, but with arsenic lettering on the outside?

Scott Baio?

I'm not really old enough to remember the good ole "Happy Days" er.. days, but i surely remember when Charles was In Charge. Scott Baio was a hunk (or so said the girls at the time), and the show was pretty entertaining. There was the cute little kid, the neglected middle child, the hot older sister, and the old geriatric (who has since starred in such unforgettable classics as "Prison for Children" and "The Last Chance Detectives: Mystery Lights of Navajo Mesa"). They even had the plucky comic relief, and also that dude Buddy (if you're keeping score, that would make Scott Baio the plucky comic relief).

Sub $1 Gas?

This is the oldest picture i could find, but when i started driving, gas was a mere 87 cents. When premium would go over a dollar, the old timers would talk about how in the 70's, gas was really cheap at around $1.50-$2.00 (i asked about the wrong time period to make my argument really stick).
According to the picture however, the gas stations made up for having such cheap gas by charging $400 for a six pack of beer.

Fun Dip a.k.a. Lik-M-Aid?

Man, this stuff was like crack for kids back in the 80s. I would go to the local Weigels (if that tells you where i came from), after school, and buy one of these every day. You'd get your white stick (which consequently could be cut down with a razor blade on a mirror and snort it if you were creative and resourceful like myself), lick it, stick it in the mystery bag... pull out whatever stuck to the stick, suck that off, and repeat.
I usually got impatient with this process after about two sucks (either due to my ADD, which didn't exist in the 80s, or the sugar high that i was experiencing), and tear open the bag, and down it in one fell swoop. Sometimes, i would try to swallow it down the wrong tube, and it would be a virtual powder confetti-palooza.

Slap Bracelets?

I used to have a ridiculously large collection of slap bracelets in grade school. I would wear at least 4 per arm, and during class, would pull straighten them out, and attempt to slap them back on my wrists as quietly as possible as to not have them confiscated by the prison guards, a.k.a. teachers.
I was so enthralled by the whole concept that at one point, i decided to tape a bunch of them together and see if i could make the thing go wild. Unfortunately, i was not equipped with the proper tools (turns out one layer of scotch tape didn't do the trick), and after the first one snapped around my wrist, the others simply gave up and fell to the ground.

And now, for the Mitch Hedberg QotD:

I got my hair highlighted, because i thought some strands were more important than others.

The Black Hole.... of Sports

I enjoy sports as much as the next guy... but there comes a time in my life of enjoying sports when i feel like i want to stab myself with the sharpened end of a piece of cheesybread. This time that i refer to, is the "Black Hole of Sports," the time between the end of meaningful sports and the beginning of other meaningful sports.
Obviously, i'm not talking about hockey, which at this point has been shown its utter disappointment by having it's spot taken up on ESPN by reruns of Poker, and getting smashed in ratings by a group of gamblers huddled around a table trying not to smile.
That's right, i'm talking about the time between the end of basketball season and before football season. Now, "sports" minded people might argue that there is in fact a sport going on between that time, and that it's something called baseball...
"What" i retort... "the hell is this baseball you speak of?"
If baseball is a sport... so is bowling damnit, but unfortunately for me, the bowling isn't shown live or in order of events for that matter, and the bowlers don't drink, smoke and eat nachos on the TV events like i've come to expect from such high-calibur athletes.
For those who want to see people eating various foods and using various tobacco products DURING THE GAME... turn your attention to this "baseball."
Baseball is kind of cool i guess because it's one of the few sports that most average folks honestly feel like they have a real chance of joining and competing in... (provided you get your twice daily injections of steroids) It's the only professional sport where people can play well into their 60s. There aren't too many sports that can claim THAT now are there...?
Baseball usually consists of 3 people moving at any particular time (the guy who throws the ball, I like to call him "thrower man," the guy who catches the ball, "human target man," and the umpire). I'd add in the batter, but sometimes, he's even so bored by the sport, he doesn't even move when the pitch flies by. (I will stop here to say that "thrower man" is probably the only athletic person on the team, but after he throws, can't use his arm for anything for the next 2 months)
Even the commentators don't know what to talk about. The commentary that comes around consists usually of the guys asking each other what they had for lunch, and about the cup sizes of the batters' wives. They get to the point where i think in one game, they were actually counting the blades of grass growing on the infield. It's gotten to the point where i think the commentators are sitting in the booth watching reruns of football games, just to pass the time.
If you ever want to take a nap, but don't know how, turn on a baseball game, turn it up loud, and let the good times roll.
There's about two months until football season gets going, but until then, i'll try to enjoy my napping time, where i'll dream about myself watching football.

now for the wildly popular Mitch Hedberg quote of the day:

I had a parrot, and it talked.
But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.

The Reality of Reality TV...

There has become an epidemic in this country, which is worse than any disease could have ever been (worse than the plague, smallpox, even... Paula Abdul)... what is this terrible disease that i speak of? That's right, reality TV.

Now, for all the people that grew up in my generation (aptly named the MTV generation), we all know that the Real World was the first "reality tv" that is, if you don't count Gilligan's Island, a microcosm of what the world had become in that day and age, with society being stranded on the proverbial island of indecision and uncertainty.

But i digress... the world of reality TV has gotten out of hand. Let's have a quick rundown, should we?
The Real World is now on Season 16, aptly named, "The Real World, Season 16" a far cry from season 3, where we all got to grapple with the "real world" (did you like that?) of AIDS, remember Pedro? I watched the entire season 4 in London, hoping for more drama... but they were a little too "real," being all nice and crap... (A little side note, i was on the same plane 2 rows behind puck and ruthie once on a flight to vegas).

Now, if we are to believe "reality tv," we would all believe that reality includes people that look like the people on these shows. True, i suppose at some point, these people do exist, but i still feel that it's probably along the same lines as the "moon landing" or "Angelina Jolie," created in the basement of some geek on his computer. Even the shows like Average Joe attempt to show people who are "average" but most of the "average" people that i know, don't have millions of dollars, only to be turned away by a fairly attractive girl for some good looking waitor. (Reference to the first season of Average Joe)

I have to say, the only reality based programming that i can admit to watching with a certain guilty pleasure was Beauty and the Geek. I didn't think any of the girls were particularly all that attractive, but it was kind of cool to watch soroity girls try to do math in their heads. "Hmm, these pants plus the price of pants, is the same as the amount that I paid per day for my 'sisters' to hang out with me in the whor... i mean, soroity house." But actually, the girls seemed pretty nice.

OK, back to my rant. Here's just a sampling of some of the reality shows that are on TV. I was going to put them in aphabetical order, but i'll put them in order of network affiliation in order to highlight a glaring disparity as far as rediculousness goes...




ABC (the network named by then 3-year old Michael Jackson)

"All American Girl" - apparently about girls that are capitalists and the world's policemen, but with XX genes..
"The Bachelor" - instant booty for the lucky bastard chosen
"The Bachelorette" - because it's really hard for girls to find booty by going out and asking any random guy on the street
"Dancing With the Stars" - a show in which people dance with large balls of flaming gas
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" - where obese houses get tummy tucks and breast impants
"The Mole" - life and times of a discolored skin irregularity
"Wife Swap" - now being shown on Playboy TV, with much more interesting results





CBS (that eye is staring at me, and quite frankly, freaking me out)


"Big Brother: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6" - prejudiced toward only children, x6
"Survivor: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12" - a show in which people are set in a room and shown countless episodes of the show, the winner being the person who doesn't bludgeon their own eyes out
"Real Beverly Hillbillies" - real? wth? you mean the other show wasn't?









"Destination Space" - i'll watch this one if the winner gets shot into space... sans rocket or space suit
"Dog Eat Dog" - an almost korean reality show, except it's not called "Bob Eats Dog"
"Hit Me Baby One More Time" - a show about battered women perhaps?
"I Wanna be a Hilton" - and have incestual relations with my sister
"Next Action Star" - where contestants learn how to speak broken, badly pronounced English
"Race to the Altar" - a race where women have a decided advantage
"Second Change: The Most Talented Senior" - this week's episode, "Who can eat applesauce and still go to the bathroom"
"Tommy Lee Goes To College" - i shit you not, that's a real one
"Who Wants to Marry My Dad?" - not me.









I'll combine a few here,
"House Rules" "The Mansion" "Minding the Store" - apparently tbs is a little stuck up on structures... not seemingly that exciting








"The Ashlee Simpson Show" - where we learn how to lipsynch like the stars
"Fraternity Life" - how much would it cost to hang out with THOSE guys in THAT house?
"I Want A Famous Face" - for people too stuck up to wear paper cutouts like we did back in the good ole days
"My Super Sweet 16" - if my daughter ever asks like that? 3 words: post birth abortion







"Anything for Love" - i'd watch if it was anything for a piece of jon's booty
"Bachelorettes in Alaska" - is it cold in here? or...
"Invasion of Hidden Cameras" - tune in for the Bowel Cam
"I Want A Divorce" - and i want to kill myself
The next few, fit into the category of... "what in the f..."
"The Littlest Groom"
"Married By America"
"Miss Dog Beauty Pagent"
"My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss/Fiance" (sometimes indistinguishable)
"Renovate My Family"
"Search For A Playboy Centerfold" (otherwise known as "take it off to get on tv?")
"Trading Spouses" (sort of like "Trading Spaces" but the spaces are more interesting)
"Who's Your Daddy"
"Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire"

I don't know what FOX stands for, but perhaps it's F'ed up On Xtacy describing the people who came up with the ideas for all of these wonderful shows.

I apologize for the length of this post, but no one's reading it anyway...

Now, for a new feature, the Mitch Hedberg Quote of the Day...

"I did an interview for XM radio, they said I could swear on XM radio"
"I said 'no shit, cuz no one can hear it'"
"You can swear in the woods too"

Movie Logic

Coming to the ring... this week's challenger...
Jamie Foxx, and STEALTH!

Ok, now, i enjoy a good movie as much as the next guy, and I understand that everyone wants to have the bigger, better movie with bigger and more on the line... but some of the claims...

Just in case you guys don't know the gist of the movie, the government creates a plane that flys by itself, when it decides to do the smart thing and kill the people that made it. "Oh no!" the people exclaim, "I must do what I can to bring this down before it kills everyone" without taking a step back and thinking.. "hmm, maybe we shouldn't have invented this thing in the first place..."
Anyway, back to my point about outrageous claims... here is a QUOTE from the trailer, brought to you by the venerable Jamie Foxx (that's F-O-X-X, don't forget that second one): "That thing could kill 50 million people with that load"

Ok, let's now take a step back and admire that insightful..... thought. 50 million people... Assume it has a nuclear bomb on it (which it doesn't, because if it did, it wouldn't be able to fly like it does, and the promos showed the plane had lots of little missle-looking bombs), after it dropped it on the most populus part of the country, which is probably NY (in a concentrated area), how many people would that kill? The current population of New York City is 8,104,079... That's right, I looked it up...
The current population of the United States is 296,593,684, give or take a few depending on how many people watch this movie... 50 million people would be one SIXTH of the population of the country... one would have to blanket the entire eastern seaboard.... (think about this... driving from say, New York to Atlantic City, blanketing everything in between)

BOTH nuclear bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII, killed around 100,000 people... Mr. Stealth fighter man would need to kill 500 TIMES that... 500... I can't even count to 500 without getting a headache...


Now, I like Jamie Foxx, I think he's a good actor, he generally does a good job, and it's unfair of me to take out all my frustrations on him, because it was the writer that wrote such line (actually, probably not, it was probably the producer)... so I'll cut this rant short...
enjoy it while you can