.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

fabot. funny enough to read

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Geographical Pinpricks...

I, as some of you may know, am from the south. This being said, there are a few things that are always going to be true with me. Things that have been ingrained into both my thought processes and vernacular, that will never change.

For one, i will always believe that college football is infinitely more entertaining than pro football, i will always believe that teeth are a luxury for the "rich folk," if someone's "fixin" it means they're "about to" do something, and not actually "fixing" anything... "Gravy" is white, and usually comes on top of biscuits for breakfast, and i refer to any dwelling in which i currently reside as "the house." As in, "i think i left my license back at the house officer."

After moving to los angeles, i couldn't help but realize that people talk differently around here. I've heard words here that i've never heard down south like... "working out," "vegetarian," "non-fat," etc... which got me to thinkin' (notice, i'm "thinkin'" now and not "thinking"), how could one distinguish someone from just the way that they talk?

I have, for you loyal reader (notice, not "readers" since it seems like theres only one person who reads this thing), created a useful guide for how to tell the difference between people from the north, the south, the west, and the... well, whatever's left.

North: If you know what "White Castle" is.
Chances are, if you've ever seen a white castle, if you've ever had a slider... you're from the north.

South: If you know what "Krystal's" is.
This is the southern equivalent to White Castle. The only difference? Mustard. White castles use ketchup as their only condiment, and krystal uses mustard. I have only ever visited one city that had both a krystal and a white castle was nashville, tn. Undoubtedly, nashville is the center of the universe.

East: If you know what Hardee's is.
Actually, i'm not sure if there's hardees up north, but whatever...

West: If you know what Carl's Jr. is.
The exact same thing as hardee's, cept... well, the name. They use the same commercials, just sneakily change the ending having to pay the voiceover guy an extra 20 bucks to say "only at carl's jr." after he had just gotten done saying "only at hardees." Good times.

So, let's review. If you eat at hardees for breakfast, and at krystals for lunch... chances are, you're gonna have the runs (and live in the southeast).

If you ate carl's jr. for breakfast... you're in california, but you're not a real californian because they don't serve vegan meals at carl's jr (don't even try to pretend like you're from california).

But, just to make sure, next time i'm in nashville, i'll look for a carl's jr. and a hardees... in which case... you know.




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member! I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "Ok, but we need some more stiuplations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for em!" "Well, this club is formed." "I like sprouts on my sandwiches." "Fuck you, you're not in the club."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Lunch's Revenge...

It would seem that animals are looking to band together to defeat us. Us being humans, and animals being those beings that can walk and eat and breathe, that are not humans.

Whether it's tortoises and hippos, or ponies and kittens (warning, super cute overload possibility), it would seem that perhaps the cartoons we watched growing up were actually right, in that all animals can in fact communicate with each other. That is bad news for us, because as we all know, humans, for the most part, can't even communicate with each other. I can'te tell you how many times i've heard conversations like:

"what the hell was that?"
"what the hell was what?"
"that!"
"what the hell are you talking about?"
"how can you not know what i'm talking about?"

And so on, and so forth.

Anyway, back to the evil animals. I mean, so far, it's relatively safe, because most of the animals that seem to be able to communicate between species are the ones that i don't enjoy for lunch. But what if the talking pony and the really cool oppotamus got together and convinced the cow not to give me it's prime rib for delicious consumption?

I mean, would we all have to turn into vegetarians? Because the last time i checked, i'm pretty sure the animals outnumber us by quite a substantial margin. What if, instead, the animals started wanting to take over? Would they start eating us? Can you imagine? Being prodded around by cows, taken into pens and crap. What would our pens look like? Perhaps like an apartment... you know, to make us feel comfortable because we all know that a happy human is a tasty human.

If you think about it, in a way, we're all eventually feeding the cows. I mean, we live, poop, the poop fertilizes, well, something, and something else happens. Also, don't cows eat daisies? And apparently humans are perfect daisy fertilizer. Hmm, so in a roundabout way, what if the cows planned all this out in advance and already are eating us?!?

That's rediculous you say? Ok, probably is. This column sucks you say? Yes it does. But how smart did you expect your lunch to be?



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I hate getting sandwiches at New York Delis. Too much fucking meat. It's like a cow with two crackers on either side. When they ask me "would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" I always say "Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people!"

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'll see you there... maybe?

There are inherent differences between most men and women. I say most because there are always those people on the fringes that blah blah blah. Anyway, this isn't about the freaking gender gap and all that crap, it's more about the one thing that men will always be better than women at doing: you guessed it, giving directions.

***Here's my disclaimer that this is all in fun and all that crap, and to not send me mail because blah blah blah***

Whereas women might have the upper hand in the grand scheme of things because they're actually willing to ask for directions, it's not often that you'll see them asking another woman for directions. This is because even women know that they are crappy at giving directions. You ask a woman how to get to the stadium, you'll hear an answer that is basically "well, drive down that street over there until you get to that blue house with the white shutters, and the yellow flowers out front. Not the blue house with the white shutters with the red flowers out front, although i don't really understand why you'd want to plant red flowers in front of a blue house anyway. But you turn right there... wait, is it right? I'm not sure, but i know you're supposed to turn there, so when you turn, if there is a big red car parked at the end of the street, you're going the right way. Once you get to that red car, keep going straight until you get to the yellow house with the white roof. Once you get there... keep going straight..." and so on and so forth.

You can clearly see that the directions are nothing but clear. The problem? Lack of road names. Roads are given names for one reason and one reason only, for men to memorize them. All of them. Generally, men will remember road names in cities they have only been to once longer than the names of their first wives. Why? Well, it's genetics. The y-chromosome contains within it the road map gene. People should recall from their biology classes that the y-chromosome is actually smaller than the x chromosome. Well, this is indeed the case as evidenced by my expertise as a genetic... er.. expert. So what is contained in the other x-chromosome? The descriptive direction giving gene. That's why it's generally a better idea to ask men for directions, because they're not distracted by crap like structures or the color of traffic lights, etc. They'll give you directions with street names and surprisingly accurate distances from street to street. How you ask? Easy, most men at some point, have driven down a street... just to see how long it is. I mean, everyone has a different reason for doing so (generally has to do with... so that's a quarter of a mile... i could get my car up to 330mph...), but i digress...

Now this next point, i guess could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. When you ask a man for directions where he is within arm's reach of a writing utensil and something to write on, often, on the map, you'll see streets that are about 7 miles from any of the roads that you'd ever take or need to take, or maybe even references to roads that no longer exist. This can be helpful if you're particularly bad at following map directions, becuase then you'll know that you've really gone too far.

That being said, a friend of mine once drew a map of how to get to a picnic from the school. It was very simple, devoid of any distractions such as streets that you didn't have to take directly... and looked something like this:

Now, that's great and everything, except it was almost a little too devoid of detail, seeing as how perhaps it would be helpful to have some sort of scale, or references to where the turns should be made. This is where even a "pink house" description would have been helpful. The map would have been just as effective if it had just been the head and the tail of a snake pinned to the start and finish of the map, where he's just writing around, changing the route every time he writhes around. I would venture to say, that if you were able to find your way to the destination using this map, chances are, you're either on crack, or were the one who drew the map.

All of this discussion might make people think that i have a problem with the way women give directions... well, yes... but that's not the point. The point is that there is a good way and a bad way to do certain things, and drawing maps that have no distinguishing features whatsoever is... well, how about i just say, not the good way.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I have to travel to the to two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

When laziness pays off...

There are people that are of the understanding that laziness, in all of its forms, is bad. I am one of those people to whom those people are generally referring to. And as i do for the most part, agree with them, i also feel that in certain situations, laziness can be ok.

What are these magical situations you ask? Well, i'd tell you, but then you'd stop reading right here... so i'll just stretch it out some more...

I love steak. I love chicken. I love fish (fatty tuna is especially good), generally, i like eating things that have once been alive, had eyes, and rummaged around for food. That being said, i like it more if said animals didn't rummage that much, and rather were born in a cage, lived in a cage, and for the most part died in a cage without ever knowing of the world outside said cage. The reasoning behind this? Fat tastes good. Whenever you eat a steak, it usually is either really juicy and delicious, or dry and disgusting. Why is that? Well, one of the reasons is due to the fact that cows that don't move around much tend to have more fatty tissue, and when grilled or cooked, fat melts, and makes your steak juicy.

So we've come full circle. Animals taste better when they're lazy, because they have more fat, thus, laziness is good in that situation. I'd imagine that if i were to eat the brad pitt of cows, he would not be very tasty. In fact, it would probably be the toughest, driest steak ever. If i were to eat a kirstie alley chicken on the other hand, it would probably be the most juicy tasting chicken ever consumed. People say that it's creul to raise animals in boxes a la the veal, but ask yourself, is that creul, or is forcing people to eat non-delicious, non-juicy steak creul? I thought so.

Why is pork so tasty? I mean, it's not like a chicken where just the legs are tasty but the breast meat is usually dry and disgusting, the entire pig is good eatin'. I mean, there's a reason for that. Pigs are arguably the laziest animals on the face of the planet. They don't even have the energy or wherewithall to go around rummaging for food. They just sit around and wait for the farmer to bring them leftover scraps from his own dinner, what the cows pooped out, human bodies, etc (snatch reference right there). That's why hams taste good, bacon, which is just a layer of fat, tastes good, sausage, which is all the rest of the fat ground up, tastes good and so on.

There are so many opponents to laziness, but let's hear it from the proponents of laziness. I guess after having wrote that i realized that that's like asking for perfect attendance from the apathy club, but one can dream. I'm almost dreading the fact that i'm typing so much right now, because i was wanting to cook up my fingers for dinner tomorrow night, but i can't because they're getting too much exercise.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!


 


hits