Happy New Year to everyone

Hope your year is good, and all that crap...

World's Slowest Children Ahead...

Pictured is a well... picture of an abandoned hippopotamus (quick Mitch Hedberg reference: do you think a hippopotamus is just a really cool opotamus?)... along with his newest friend a hundred year old tortoise. It has been reported that the love has blossomed within the last week (or 2 feet depending on how you're counting...). The hippo however, has been overheard saying how he feels that the relationship is moving "too fast."

Dancing With The Stars Takes A Turn For The Worse...

James harrison of the piitsburgh steelers shows his dancing partner the proper technique to the "crazy leg dance." It is still unclear if they "hooked up" after the show...

The Seasonless Jungle...

Living in a place without winter (as i happen to, in a magical place called l.a., there are interesting things that happen. I suppose there are interesting things that happen everywhere, but let's just pretend for now that nothing else happens anywhere....

1. Trees don't shed... and since they don't ever turn color and the leaves ever fall off, they just keep growing constantly. Many of the trees in los angeles are actually 50 feet tall. It's hard to even see people anymore because the trees have become so overgrown.
2. Scarf companies fold yearly. I don't know why they insist on trying, but at least 50 scarf stores have gone out of business in the last year alone. On a related note, the long sleeve shirt manufacturers are making a killing this year.
3. Daylight savings time has no meaning. Unlike how everyone else in the country just adores daylight savigs time... we don't get it...
   
4. Birds fly... nowhere... The birds that are born here, generally spend their entire lives here, and then eventually die here. There are no lazier birds in the world. The birds here, all weigh on average 150 pounds, and thusly, cannot fly around, but just walk under the shade of 50 foot tall trees.
   

Another interesting thing that happens is that people that have moved here several years ago, whether it be that they are adapting to the constant weather patterns or that they're just bored... (i vote for bored), start breaking out their parkas and mink coats at the first sign of temperatures that dip below 60. I kid you not, i've been around beverly hills in the "supposed-to-be-colder-time" (not called winter here), where women walk around like they're about to tame the canadian tundra... with a foo-foo dog as their guide.

Whether or not you think it's right that the salvation army bell ringers wear shorts and short sleeves here, it's just a fact of life in sunny southern california. It's one of those things that makes you go "hmm" if you're from anywhere else, but what the people here don't give a second thought to. It's sort of like how when the earth shakes uncontrollably, and people like myself freak out and can't sleep for a few days, but everyone else just uses it to mix their lattes.

Another thing i miss about not having a cold season is the whole holiday "feel." Being able to get cozy in front of a fireplace, where the front of your body gets super rediculously hot, all the while your back is colder than michael jackson's wife's cooch (wow, that was gross... i apologize). The smells, the feelings, the christmas trees. Here, we have christmas palm trees. Like a scene out of that corona beer commercial, it's totally festive... if by festive i mean, not festive. The only way to recreate the smell of the holiday season is by pouring pine sol down my nostrils, and the only way to replicate the weather is to drive around in my car with the a/c on full blast. Yay.

There's so many disadvantages to not having a winter season, but i guess if i were to try to find the silver lining in all of this, it would have to be that girls don't get the chance to grow out various hairs that they normally would if they had their bodies covered up all day long due to the cold weather. Because women have to wear shorts and short sleeves around here all the time, it cuts down on what i like to call, "kiwi legs." This is where there is a solid fuzz all around the legs of otherwise hot women, but since they have no reason to show off their legs, allow themselves to transform their lower bodies into a monkey-esque state... all the way to the bright red and blue buttholes (but that's another article).




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

Man's Face Gives Birth To Soccerball... Scientists Befuddled...

As you can see here, the soccerball emerged from the cheek area of the man's face. Still under investigation however, is whether or not the ball was also from nike, potentially causing awkward moments during the holidays... Tom hanks has already disowned this ball for not having a face on it that he can talk to.

College Students Learn About Gravity... (among other things)

At a college in baltimore, md, college students gather round to discuss and learn first hand, this "magical" phenomenon called "gravity." I know it sounds hokey, but apparently there actually is something to this "gravity" thing. It is the reason the beer flows from the funnel to the coed, and subsequently why the coed's boobs will sag.

Merry Christmas

Here's a catchy tune by mr. garrison of south park elementary school :)



I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East..
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus,
They have different religious beliefs...
They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday...
And so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say...

Hey there Mr Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas
Put down that book, The Koran
And hear some holiday wishes
Incase you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's Birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
And fucking celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India,
I've heard..
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd..
They've never read a Christmas story,
They don't know what Rudolph is about...
And that's why in December,
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there Mr Hinduist, Merry Fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog, and eat some beef
and pass it to the missus
Incase you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
And fucking celebrate.

Now I heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin...
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin...
On December twenty-fifth,
all they do is eat a cake...
and that is why I'll go to Japan,
and walk around and say...

Hey there Mr Shintoist, Merry Fucking Christmas
God is gonna kick your ass You infidelic pagan scum.
Incase you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
and Merry Fucking Christmas to you.

On Christmas Day, I travel round the world and say..
Taoists, Korishnas, Buddists
and all you atheists too..
Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
Thank you, Mr Hat..

Waves hit SoCal, natural selection wins again...

Due to large storms across the pacific, there have been large waves produced in the southern california beaches.

Here you can see a picture of spectators deciding that it'd be better to just go ahead and die of stupidity now rather than wait for the day they decided to actually see how high the voltage is in the transformer box.

New York, the city so nice they named it...

So there's a big transit strike in new york city bringing to light all of the injustices that the transit workers face and hurting the real criminals... as featured below...


See that little kid in the purple jacket? That's right, that's who the transit workers hate/fear. That's who we need to watch out for, because they were being such bitches with the whining and the... yeah... so there's my sarcastic quote of the week.

Here's how the new yorkers feel about the situation:

Isaac Flores, who works at a law firm in midtown, was part of a complicated, four-person car pool.

"They're too spoiled," Flores said of the transit workers. "They want to retire at age 55. They're making more money than a cop."

Myra Sanoguet, who was with him, said they saw a group of pickets during the drive. Just briefly, "we were thinking about running them over," she said.

Mile High Clubbin...

***disclaimer: the owner of this blog assumes no responsibility for the actions of readers of this blog.***


With that out of the way, here we go. Even though it's been awhile since i've been on a plane at all (and probably will be longer until i either get a job or they start letting me fly for free), i still enjoy spending 2-3 hours a day thinking about different things i could do on a long plane ride. A waste of time you say? If you can think of a more productive way to spend 2-3 waking hours of my day, i'd like to hear it. That's right, didn't think so.

Anyway. Back to the idea. So, no doubt you've all been on a flight that took more than say, 30 minutes (chattanooga to atlanta, a flight so short that the lone flight attendant was literally throwing bags of peanuts at us.. it was great), and i'll assume that at some point you got bored. There's not much you can do at 30,000 feet up in the air sitting in a seat seemingly made at a 1:18 scale of a real seat (i think somewhere out there is a blueprint instruction that says that the planes have to be increased in size, but no one got the memo) unless you have a computer or a portable dvd player or some other type of technological device.

That is, until further inspection and reflection by jon. And because i'm such a nice guy (and i need to fill up space), i shall share these insights with you. On to the ideas!

1. Make a hand puppet out of your vomit bag.

These bags are very similar to the ones that you probably took to school during your "anorexia days." You know what i'm talking about, the small ones, that can fit half a sandwich and perhaps some chips and a juice box while straining at every seam, threatening to burst the contents of your lunch all over the classroom as you make your exit to the lunchroom at which point everyone behind you in line steps all over your food, and you don't have anything to eat for the entire day because the damn vending machine only takes quarters and you only have dollar bills, where all of a sudden, no one can make fucking change (too descriptive? well, you get the idea). It's just like those bags, except made to hold vomit, nott food, which i suppose is really only a matter of semantics because it's really the same food, but the only variable is time. *helpful hint* it's probably good to check your bag first, to make sure there isn't any vomit in it before you stick your hand in it.

2. Try out all the positions on the emergency card.

I swear, reading through the emergency card (does looking at the pictures count as reading?) it makes me wonder whether or not the guy that drew the pictures is the same guy that drew the pictures for the kama sutra. Some of those positions are completely rediculous. There's one where you brace yourself before a crash where you have to sit down, bend your body completely in half with your head in very close proximity to your poop chute, and where you have to pull your legs up over your head and interestingly enough, you have to play the harmonica whilst doing so. The harmonica part isn't so much a life-saving device, it's just more of a pleasant distraction from the fact that your last moments will be filled with music no matter what (since you can get sound out of the harmonica inhaling and exhaling). By the time you get done trying out all the positions on the emergency card, you'll need a cigarette... but you're not really supposed to smoke on the plane... which brings me to my next point...

3. Try to circumvent the lavatory smoke detectors.

This one is actually pretty illegal, so unless you want to get in trouble, and be sent to the "back of the plane," i'd advise against it. But for the more adventurous of you out there... i'd still not do it, even though the most dangerous part of smoking on the plane is probably the actual smoking part. Anyway, when you go into the "lavatory" which is fancy english for "closet with a toilet and sticky floors," you notice something. Well, you probably notice lots of things, but let's just say that you notice that the drain for the sink is always down, and you have to push the button for it to come up. When the drain comes up and there's water in the basin, it sucks out faster than a poker player holding the nuts. What does this mean for you? That's right, smoke sucker. Now, any smoker will tell you, no matter how hard you try, it's almost impossible to keep all the wisps of smoke contained. This being said, there needs to be a second layer of protection. Enter: the airplane blanket. Although it may look strange carrying a blanket into the "lavatory" with you, if anyone gives you a weird look, just say "the little guy gets cold when he's out there all by himself." This will generally get anyone inquisitive enough to at least look away.

Another fun thing to do with the lavatory is:
4. Randomly open occupied stalls.

This one is rather fun. To be able to open locked bathroom doors is a useful turd of knowledge to have if you are in a hurry and don't care that you are peeing on somebody, or just for shits and giggles (pardon the pun). Interestingly, almost all aircraft bathroom doors are equipped with this outside lock feature where you can unlock "occupied" lavatories with ease. First, go to the lavatory door, and you'll notice a very handy and helpful sign that reads: "Lavatory." That's good, the first step is assessing the situation. If you try it, you can lift up the little metal plate, and you'll see a plastic knob.

Push the plastic knob over to the other side, and voila, "vacant." It's worth it just for the reactions that you'll get. It's also fun to do this in "stealth mode" and push the guy who's peeing forward, creating an interesting vector for the pee.

I hope this guide has been helpful for your future travel needs. As always, since i have a doctorate in "doing stuff whilst on an airplane," i am the resident expert on the subject. If you have any more questions, think about them whilst pooping in the toilet, and hope that i'm not on the same plane as you headed that way with a blanket.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

The Dumbing of America (i mean, me)

Due to the fact that my technological ju-ju (the powers that control the entire universe, known to some people as "karma") is basically at about the level of the molten core of the earth (that's sub-terranian people), my laptop recently died. When i say died, i don't mean, just works really slowly or anything like that, it literally clicks and beeps at me like it's trying to communicate why it doesn't feel like working at all anymore...

That being said, i've been relegated to using my desktop as of late. This is both good and bad. Good in the sense that i can type alot faster because my big monster hands can fully reach most of the keys, and that i have a separate number pad, so typing things such as 42357981387651118 only takes me a couple of seconds. The bad part of it is that i can't surf the internet whilst pooping or doing other things, like taking my browsing out to my patio for some outdoor porn surfing... did i say porn? i meant to say... uh... porn... (crap).

Anyway, this leads me to my point (there's a point? yes there is.. just wait damnit): i've decided that i'm alot dumber since i got out of school. Not college per se, more like high school. Even though in college, apparently i wrote some papers that are completely unintelligible to me now. Here's an actual example of a title of a lab report that i wrote while i was in the undergraduate chemistry program at the awesome university of tennessee (of course by "awesome" i mean "not awesome" but anyway).

"Competitve Nucleophiles with 1-Butanol"

I kid you not. Need more? Here's the intro paragraph...

Chlorine and bromine are both nucleophiles that will compete for a substrate. The purpose of this experiment is to test the nucleophilicity of these two elements as they compete to react with 1-butanol. Both nucleophiles will be added together in the process of 1-butanol in the same molar concentration. To test the reactivities of these nucleophiles on the alcohol, we will measure the relative amount of alkyl chloride and alkyl bromide and we will try to determine which ion is a better nucleophile. Also a determination of Sn1 or Sn2 reactions will dominate will occur. The alcohols do not react readily in simple nucleophilic displacement reactions, because hydroxide ion is a strong base and also a terrible leaving group. Therefore such a displacement will not occur. However, the alcohol is protonated to convert the hydroxide ion to water molecule (which is a good leaving group). Therefore, this displacement is energetically very favorable, and the reaction proceeds in high yield. And once the alcohol is protonated, it reacts by either the Sn1 or the Sn2 mechanism, depending on the structure of the alkyl group of the alcohol.

Can anyone tell me if they understand any of that? The only parts of that i understand now are the words "the, this, therefore, is, very, and alcohol." I think when i wrote it, i was in some kind of mental zen-like state, either that or severe brainwashing, so that i felt that at the time at least, i knew what i was writing about. If my life depended on it, i couldn't tell you what the hell a nucleophile is, and why it needs to compete with anything. Here, i should state that after taking this class, i did change my major to psychology, most of which i still remember, so i may not be able to tell you what a nucleophile is, but i might be able to create a hypothesis about why they feel the need to be competitive. Perhaps it was a freudian thing, where they wanted to sleep with their mothers and kill their fathers. Who knows...

This just reinforces my point about school being relatively useless. I think after about middle school (where if you are an asian student you should have learned advanced calculus), you should just be allowed to enter the work force, where the most brain power you'll use in a day will pertain to something along the lines of "what should i eat for lunch today?" I've seen it happen alot people. People who work (you're probably reading this at work anyway), can attest to my being right in this aspect, that work requires little to no brain function whatsoever. All the knowledge you learned in college? Useless.

But i guess part of that previous statement has more to do with the fact that i'm jealous of people who actually retain any kind of knowledge from school and use it on a daily basis (although i believe that i'd be hard pressed to find anyone who is actually using said knowledge). That being said, i'd write some kind of witty ending article thing... but i can't... because i'm stupid...



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

2-in-1 is a bullshit term. Because 2 is not big enough to hold 1. That is why 2 was created!

Oh the Pain!

Is there anything worse...? No. Is there anything more painful...? No. Is there anything more aggrivating...? Nope.

The pain of this incident/calamity is one that is so painful that perhaps, people might cringe just hearing a mention of it. If you're squeamish, or alive in any way, do not continue reading.

Ok, well, even though i've lost about 90% of my readership at this point, that's fine. Those guys didn't need to be reading this anyway. Well, now that i've built it up so much, i think you might find yourself sorely disappointed when i sneak it in that what i'm talking about is burning your tongue/mouth.

But think about it... is there another singular event that can have such a profound effect on you? Nope. I mean, think about it, when you take that first brash bite into that potato skin with the bubbling cheese, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it might be oozing steam because it's hot, but you usually dismiss it. That is... until, (onomotopoeia alert!) ssssssssssssssssssssssssss, and there you go, the roof of your mouth, or better yet, your tongue is burned. The greatest part about this? You guessed it, inability to taste anything else for the next week! I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't happen at restaurants, but that's where it always happens. And usually after you've ordered.
There should be an ordering renig where upon burning your tongue, you can just order the potato and starch soup seasoned with some flour, because whatever you do eat could have the taste of a fermented buzzard's gizzard (did you like that?) and you'd have no idea anyway. It's all about texture at this point.

For the next 4 days, all you can think about is how you can't taste anything, and about how that entire portion of your life has been taken from you. Usually when this happens, you have to be careful even eating slightly crunchy foods, because even though you can't taste anything, you sure as hell can still feel pain (what the hell is up with that?).
Eating cold food would seem to help, except that once the numbness wears off, you can still feel the pain and the heat eminating from the raw gums or tongue matter that used to be your mouth. Ouch.

So, if burning your mouth with food is so terrible, shouldn't there be a way to avoid it? Well, i'm glad you asked (i know i'm actually the one that asked, but let's just say that you did for the sake of that last sentence not being a waste, even though i realize that now i've typed more about that previous sentence than the previous sentence is long, i don't like wasting ink... er... electrons). Of course there is a way to avoid it... the best way is of course, to just eat tuna salad sandwiches for the rest of your life. If this doesn't seem feasible to you, just use the 30/30 rule.

Of course, your next question, what is the 30/30 rule? Well, if you've just received your piping hot soup or fried mushroom or what have you, make sure you let it sit for 30 minutes first. What's the second 30? That's right, after the first 30, wait another 30 minutes. This way you'll ensure that the food will be nice and tepid by the time you get to it, thus eliminating any chance of you burning any part of your mouth on it. Of course, there might not be any left because other people might take your precaution as disintrest and finish the food for you, but that's when you punch them in the face. And with that, i'm out.




Mitch Hedberg's QtoD:

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."