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fabot. funny enough to read

Monday, October 31, 2005

French for bathroom buddy?

Why does anyone buy a magazine? There are a few answers here that might come to the mind of the less-enlightened... so i'll go ahead and dispose of those right now...
  1. Something to read/do on a long plane ride
  2. To read interesting articles (read: to see pictures of naked women)
  3. To read interesting articles (read: to actually read interesting articles)
  4. To look at pictures of cars or women (really, either will do)

Ok, now, although some of those reasons are valid, really, it all boils down to one thing: to have something to read in the bathroom.

I mean, it's the perfect situation. Magazine makers know this. That's why there's no article in a magazine that's more than 15 minutes long (any longer, and you're legs would start to go numb). Ever wonder why magazines are made with that glossy paper? That's right, don't hold odor and as a bonus, are easy to wipe off... just in case. Why are there perfume ads in magazines? Yup, poopy-smell masking device.

Another question comes to mind: why are there so many ads in magazines? Well, the casual observer would say that it's the way that the magazines make their money. If that's the case, then why do i even have to buy one? They should give em away for free, thanking me for helping them make money a la network tv.
Anyway, that's the casual observer's point of view. The real reason for all the advertisements in magazines? You guessed it, magainze writers have nothing to write about. What they lack in content, they make up for in advertisements. I mean, take all the ads out of a magazine, you'd have a 7 page handout where the most significant story was about how cheerleaders like to do it under the stands more than doing it in the locker room (very intersting and useful information indeed, but hardly worth the 5 dollar cover charge). Why do you think they bury the table of contents in such an awkward place (usually in a completely different issue)? Because they don't want you to ever find the stories, especially if you are excited about reading, or interested in the article in any way, because you'd be sorely disappointed. They want you to just stumble upon one of the articles where you have no expectations whatsoever during a late night burrito-return.

There's so many things that go into making a magazine successful, you've got your beer ads, naked women, and oh yeah, words... I'd go into the specifics of it, but i have to go read an article about how best to utilize the many uses for aeresol cheese... oh yeah, and poop some of it out too...



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" I said, "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Tennessee Crapball

Apparently, one can train a monkey to call the plays for tennessee... and me being a monkey, i will attempt to do so...

  • First down: run, doesn't matter which direction, won't go anywhere
  • Second & 9: incomplete pass... i know that's usually not a play that's called per se... but it's def. in our playbook
  • Third & 9: ok, here's the deal... if it's third and more than 8, pass behind the line of scrimmage... (will the play get the first down coach?, who cares? he probably won't catch it anyway)
  • Fourth down: punt....
Repeat.



Also... it... doesn't... seem... like... someone... who... talks... like... they're... drunk... the... entire... game... should... be... working... for... prime...time... espn... cover... age... as... a... commen... ta... tor....
thanks mike gottfried.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The hot women of...

Childrens TV!....

Ok, now i know some of you are thinking that it's bad of me to think of girls on childrens' shows as hot, but it's pretty genious, i mean, something for the kids, something for the dads. Anyway, i think the real question you should be asking yourself is, why the hell am i watching the kids shows anyway?

Well, it kind of came out of necessity of late-nite tv watching, when my choices are either hair restoration, or songs about how i too, can count past 17 (something i've been trying very hard to do for awhile). But i digress..

Hi-5. The show, the myth, the awesomeness of a children's educational show, a musical, and a fantasy-land for jon, all rolled into one. What more could you ask for? For those who haven't seen the show, a group dance and sing about stuff (i don't really listen to them), and dress in little semi-slutty outfits. (a pic follows).

Ok, so i guess those outfits aren't really slutty, and the fact that that one dude in the front is holding a canadian flag doesn't help me in thinking that he's showing off what he gropes his boyfriend with. The next pic is that of the austrailian version of hi-5 apparently.

Don't lie and say that those outfits aren't slutty. I mean, leotards? Hells yeah! I like how the guys have green spooge all over their pants (that's the color it comes out in austrailia... little known fact).

Now, for those of you that think these guys are all prudes, and don't slut it up and go ho'in around town, i present you with this pic...

Ok, so there's no alcoholic beverages in this pic? Exactly my point, cuz they've already drank all of them, and they're looking for someone to hook up with. Apparently, a couple seconds after this picture was taken, so was the photographer (oh man, me and my plays on words... i'm so smart... and funny!).

So, before you knock on my love for childrens' programming, check out the hotties of daytime educational tv.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I wrote a letter to my Dad once, I was going to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I didn't want to waste it, so I kept going. I wrote "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad. There's alot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn right away."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sports!... (i don't understand)...

Man, i love sports. I'll watch all kinds of sports (especially if it's the football off-season, or it's not a saturday). Some of the sports i watch and thoroughly enjoy: football of course, basketball, bowling, poker (hey, it's on espn right?), badminton, tennis, baseball (post-season), track and field, the biathalon, i think you catch my drift.


Out of all the sports (and yes, this includes competitive walking), there's one that i just don't seem to understand. (at this point, you think i'm gonna talk about some obscure sport, but you will soon feel like a monkey's uncle) But first, as all of you are dying to know, i shall enlighten you, loyal reader with some of my thoughts on sports.

The thing i like about sports? It's an epic battle to the end. In most sports, there is always a winner (even hockey now has shootouts). Even the games that have a high number of ties (such as soccer), are very fun to watch, and there is a clear result at the end of the match. Results, without them, why the hell would we even watch sports? I mean, i heard of a phenomenon where some t-ball leagues for little kids didn't have winners and losers anymore. What the crap is that? Kids have to learn that practice pays off, or learn to taste the bitter pill of defeat, or learn that if you bribe the right people, you can get by with less effort.

Anyway, all this is leading toward the biggest "wtf?" in sports. What is this sport you ask? You guessed it: boxing.
Ok, i know that some of you right now are thinking "i should stop reading this unfunny column and get back to work," but let's just pretend you were thinking something along the lines of "but there are winners and losers awesome jon!" (i added that last little bit... hope you didn't mind). Sure, there are the ever-elusive "ko's" otherwise known as "krap, oops" in that, the guy who falls to the ground usually does so due to slipping on some sort of vasaline or just tripping over a shoelace.
Not taking anything away from boxers by any means (and not just because they could beat the crap out of me by looking at me), i think they are probably the toughest athelets there are... it's just the sport itself needs to be completely revamped. I mean, is there another sport out there where the outcome is so often in such doubt until the announcer reads the name? I mean, the problem with having the judges determine the outcome of most of the matches, what happens is that you get these boxers dancing around the ring after every round pretending like they won while not being able to look out his left eye or breathe out of his nose at all.

The way to fix this sport? Let em fight it out to the death. Ok, well maybe not to the death, just until one guy stops breathing... Ok, maybe not to the death... but anyway, last man standing style. This would clear it up enough for me to watch, although still not on pay per view for 200 bucks for me to see a 30 second match. I'd love to write more, but i think a girl's middle school softball game is about to come on, and you know about those middle school softball games: barnburner.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match. They said "it's a fight to the finish!" Yeah, that's a good place to end.

Monday, October 24, 2005

What ever happened to...

In this installment of "what ever happened to..." i bring you:

video games... and arcades in general...

Video games were the shit. I was talking about the kind of games that were housed in cabinets, with joysticks and big buttons, not the xbox/playstation/gamecube crap that there is nowadays. I'm talking about standing around, putting your quarter-on-glass to mark your turn, watching the one kid beat everyone's ass.

Of course, these games could only be found in one of two places: the video arcade, and the pizza hut. (btw, what the hell ever happened to pizza hut, and being able to eat there?) I remember when i was a kid, going to the mall with my mom, and while she would go shopping, i would be given like 5 bucks to go play games at the aladdin's castle (that's what it was called back in tn) until either a) she finished shopping or b) i ran out of money. Usually the latter would happen first, as my mom's propensity for shopping was second only to her propensity for breathing.

Ok, so the arcades had the great gamut of games ranging from frogger (along with it's wonderfully burned-in screen) to super street fighter 2 ultra mega uber cool flexible electric edition, but the real gem of the arcade was, you guessed it, crappy plastic prizes.

Who here hasn't spent 50 bucks in the arcade playing skee-ball so long that you can throw the balls with your eyes closed and hit the 50 pointer? Of course we all have. And what's your prize for going through all of the time and effort to win 4,000 tickets? That's right, a plastic spider ring... more accurately, about 200 of em, one for each of your fingers (that's right, i'm a freak). What's better is taking these new-found prizes home, forgetting about them, and having your parents throw them away? Nothing that's what... nothing...

I guess there's not really a moral to this story except to say that we need to bring back the arcades and the pizza huts so that the children of the 80s will have some place to hang out and still feel cool. I'll get right on that.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
You know how they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob?" But that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it "corn" and every other type of corn "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch," but then re-attach it, and call it "Mitch-all-together."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Poker in the front....

With the recent infux of poker mania both on tv and on the internet, i decided that i should take a long, hard look at what exactly this craze has going for it...

As far as i can figure, there are alot of people (myself included), with delusions of going to the world series of poker, and winning 10 bracelets (oh yeah, and some money). Most of the people who show up have little chance. But i guess it's the whole idea that however little, there is a chance, keeps people coming back for more. It's basically a really expensive lottery ticket.

The main event for the world series of poker carries with it a $10,000 price tag, with a payout this year of around 7.5 million bucks. Now, for sheer return on investment value, the powerball lottery would be a much better buy (i.e. $1 for $100 million+). But you're competing against around 100,000,000 (that's a hundred million for you folks that can't count to 6) other people, whereas in the poker thingy, you're only competing against a mere 6,000 other people.

Let's break this down into realistic terms though. I mean, considering the odds, you might as well pretend that the grand prize is a night in paris, in paris (ok, that was a terrible example, because the chances of that happening are simply limited to your chances of actually meeting ms. hilton where if you do, you'd prolly get to do her). Ok, but what if the grand prize was, i don't know, getting to have sex with kristen kreuk, but the catch being that she got to choose. First of all, more than 6,000 people would pay ten grand each to try that, but that's beside the point. You'd have no better chance than the geek sitting next to you who sold his entire star wars collection to scrape together the entry fee, but you'd still try...

That's why poker is the great equalizer. It's the baseball of gambling. Anyone who can sit upright can play, and you'll never see such a high percentage of old fat guys being "in their element" much like poker (haha, see what i did there with the mixing up of the baseball and the poker? nevermind... shut up).

Everyone goes to vegas looking for their jackpot, but most of the time, they only come back with empty pockets, and a story (and a strange itching sensation on their penises). It's all good though, because how else would we share the wealth (of std's)? Anyway, good luck to you all, if you want to find me, i'll be in the line trying to have sex with big rhonda from the local high school (i do have standards, but i don't have enough money to abide by them).




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. I don't know waht that meant there. That was ad-libbed.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Clap, but do it quietly...

Golf is one of those sports that makes you go "hmmmm..." If for no other reason than you have to ask yourself why someone would try so hard to hit a ball the size of an engorged tumor into a hole from 500 yards away. It seems to be insanity. I mean, if the game was to try to get it in the hole on the first shot every shot, now that would be impressive.

In basketball, if you shoot a ball at the hoop and miss, you don't get to pull out a shorter dude and see if he can make it (although i wouldn't be completely against watching that).

Golf, i'll have to say though, does have it's advantages. It's the only sport where you can walk the entire time (there's at least a brisk walk in bowling), where you can smoke whilst playing, and drive from place to place (at least bowlers have to walk to their lanes, carrying 16 pound balls... hehe, i said balls). It's one of those sports where everyone, provided they have the time and money has a shot at competing in, much like poker, or having sex with paris hilton. There's also no other sport that incorporates sand, water, grass, trees, sticks, balls and prostitutes (ok, the pickin's are slim on the course, but still).

I guess people might say that i am being unfairly harsh on golf because i suck ass at it (and it's true, but for the sake of this argument, let's pretend that's not the case). It's impossible to be good at golf, unlike say, mackin on chicks (which i'm awesome at... ok i'm not, but i like to tell myself that). I mean, tiger woods, arguably the greatest golfer there is, can't shoot well all the time, so what's the point? That's right, there is no point. It's just pointless to do something where there isn't a crowning achievement. I mean, you've got your superbowl in football, your world series in baseball, you're bowser's castle in mario, but what does golf have? Masters? Ok, you got me on that one. Disregard previous paragraph.

Well, the more i write, the more i'm realizing that perhaps golf actually is a pretty good sport overall, where the mental edge of the game is harder to overcome than in most other sports for the simple reason that you're playing against yourself, and that it's probably one of the most mentally challenging games on the face of the earth... but it's fun to make fun of people wearing stupid outfits chasing around little balls with sticks.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore!" but I was too busy yelling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

Monday, October 17, 2005

The greatest show on earth...

Of course, i'm talking about saved by the bell...

Aside from the fact that dennis haskins (a.k.a. mr. belding) called me once on accident, this will live on as the greatest show of all time. Sure sure, some people might have their opinions, but to those people i say, no.

Zach, kelly, slater, screech, lisa, nikki (from the middle school years), i mean, what did these guys not do? They always got into get rich schemes of some sort, always got into trouble, but somehow, managed to stay out of prison (that was good for zach, cuz he woulda been passed around faster than that one time i was in the slammer.... i don't like to talk about it)...


Well, the coolest part of the show was when they did the little "after show" movie special thing where zach and kelly went to vegas to get married. I mean, what a better way to wrap up the greatest show than with a classy wedding at the little white chapel?


Look at those kids, so hot and studly... uh, i mean, hot and womanly? (crap, i should really find out how to use this "backspace" key). Let me just say here that lark voorhies is one of the hottest women in the world. And oh how those cast members have made so much of themselves after having used the show as their own personal launching pads for their illustrious careers. Lets recap, shall we?

  • Mario lopez - a.c. slater - had a spot on "the other side" a show that was supposed to be about dudes' views on stuff conveniently shown against "the view" (a show about how fat and/or really rich women feel about "issues"). Well, that wasn't really that big of an achievement, but hey, he did marry (are they still married?) ali landry... ooh yeah.
  • Mark paul gosselaar - zach morris - moved to mongolia where he was subjected to the artutu tribe's ritualistic penis piercing before he moved back to the us to finally star in another show (nypd blue just in case you were wondering)... p.s. i was just kidding about the mongolia thing... or was i?
  • Lark voorhies - lisa turtle - born in nashville, tn (as if i needed another reason to like her), has been in basically nothing of note since the show, except she was the lead in the boyz ii men video "on bended knee" (man, i know some obscure facts)
  • Elizabeth berkeley - jesse spano - well, we all know where this is going. She left the show, and in an effort to show everyone that she wasn't a "goody two shoes," decided it would be a good idea to show us her non-surgically altered boobs in "showgirls" until we all wanted her to go back to being a goody girl.
  • Tiffani amber thiessen - kelly kapowski - well, apparently she's dropped "amber" and just goes by "dub t" now. She's actually made the most of herself, starring in "beverly hills 90210" (the rich man's o.c.), and well, i just imdb'ed her, and well, nothing else.
  • Dustin diamond - screech powers - he hasn't really done anything of note since the show, and i don't know if it counts (but since i'm writing this, it counts damnit), is the brother of mike d of the beastie boys.
So i say to you now, support these guys by watching the reruns of their show so that they get royalties, and make saved by the bell "the gift that keeps on giving" maybe not so much for you and me, but for the unbelievably talented actors, even though zach will probably come up with some sort of scheme for him and his boys to make some quick cash.




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I wanna hang up a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in all of the locations that i've traveled to. But first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Friday, October 14, 2005

So many diseases...

so little time...

Watching tv is becoming like a virtual "do-it-yourself" symptom checker/doctor. I mean, the drugs that are being advertised on tv give out descriptions that are on the best side vague, and on the worst side, well, vaguer...

Watching tv can make anybody in this country a chronic something or rather, having our doctors have to field an inordinate amount of inquiries regarding what i'm pretty sure are made up diseases.

Here's a quick rundown of what you might have (only if you watch tv, it doesn't apply to people that don't i suppose)...

  • Chronic dry eye (when your tear ducts don't produce enough tears to keep your eyes hydrated) - hmm, if your tear ducts aren't producing enough moisture, wouldn't your eyes simply shrivel up?
  • Irritable bowel syndrome with constipation (pooping problems) - man, you know what? Whenever i had just irritable bowel syndrome, my life didn't seem all that bad, but with constipation? I'm gonna shoot myself... Not only are my bowels irritated (perhaps at the half-frozen burrito i ate for lunch), but they've got nowhere to go...
  • Crazy leg disease (i don't think that's actually what they call it, it's more like restless leg syndrome, but mine sounds more catchy) - this apparently happens when your legs cease to be under your control, and move at an inopportune time such as when you're trying to sleep, or even worse, when you're trying not to kick your former boss in the ass...
  • Insomnia (notice these commercials only come on late at night, when the ad space is cheaper, i'm wondering if perhaps they looked at the timeslots first, then decided what drug to put out) - You know something? If you can't fall asleep by listening to these commercials about how if you can't sleep, you should take these pills, then, well, i don't even know, that wasn't really an organized thought (cuz i've been awake for too long to think of one).
  • Erectile dysfunction (mommy's getting old and ugly disease) - apparently, this is nothing more than about 10 alcoholic drinks in the form of a little pill.... genious.

The problem with the pills isn't so much that they're out there, creating a world full of hemophiliacs, the problem seems to be more of the fact that the side effects are, to put it mildly, disgusting. You'll often hear the micro-machine man explaining in approximately 20000 words per minute that side effects may include constipation, lack of sleep (a real one with the insomnia drug... irony at it's best), bleeding, irregular bowel movements (take that constipation), hallucinations, inability to walk upright, blindness, dizziness, uncontrollable appetite for the blood of undead animals, and butt hair growth.

The moral of the story? well, i don't really know, but hopefully i will soon, because i think i just saw a commercial for a pill moral-less stories...


Jon's QotD:

People say that they don’t want to “toot their own horns” all the time. Why wouldn’t you toot your own horn? Who else’s horn would you toot? Hey, get away, that’s my horn. I’m not gonna toot it, but it’s mine.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Commercial logic?

Well, the commercials are at it yet again...

In one of the newest commercials for polaroid (apparently they make stuff that doesn't require shaking), there is a guy sitting, watching his tv, when all of a sudden, without his prior consent, the channel changes from sports to figure skating. He then proceeds to change it back to the more manly sports channel, when he looks over and sees a girl in the building next door watching the figure skating...

Through his unbelievable logic, he deduces that she has changed his channel, perhaps unknowingly, but still, she's watching the exact...same..thing... Well, it goes back and forth, changing channels about 20 more times (by which point i am already down on the floor, in the fetal position, foaming at the mouth), when he finally looks over to find that the girl is gone. He looks over, and sees a, er... fruity guy in the apartment next to the girl's apartment, holding his remote... (hopefully that's what that was), and smiling er... gayly..

The moral of the commercial? I have no freaking clue. But their slogan is something to the effect of "have fun."

You know what? My idea of having fun isn't when other people can randomly change the channels on my tv. I mean, it's never going to be a problem, because polaroid would be hard pressed to sell more than one of these tvs to more than one person in the same time zone, but if that were the case, that by itself would make me never want to buy one.

I would write more, but i'm watching tv, and someone keeps changing it to porn... gotta figure out what the hell is going on...



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Hopefully they will invent a device so that I can water you before you shrivel and die. "Think like a cactus!"

Monday, October 10, 2005

Rest In Peace....

This is a solemn post...

I am writing about the passing of a dear friend to both you and me... of course, i'm talking about the music video.

I was sitting at home the other day (alot easier to do now that i don't have a job anymore), when it dawned on me: mcdonald's would sell way more fries if they just said that they used pure vegetable oil, but used pure beef lard. Wait, that's not what i was supposed to say, but still, ain't that the truth?

Anyway, it dawned on me: i haven't seen a music video for at least a few years, and there hasn't been a memorable video since green day's basketcase, which debuted sometime in the early 90s. What happened to music videos you ask? Well, in a fit of irony, it was killed by the being that practically engineered the formation of modern videos, the evil mtv. That's right, mtv killed the music video.
Wheras the buggles song stated that "video killed the radio star" they should write a followup song stating "mtv sucks." I mean, the freaking network is called "music television," although they seem to cover up the fact that that anagram, as well as all anagrams ever created don't actually stand for anything. I mean, you have you're trl (total request live), o.c. (the less well to do than the beverly hills kids, orange county), and the less known, t.n.i.a.p.o.c. (this network is a piece of crap).

I mean, i guess it was a good schtick to get onto tv, much like the way cocaine worked its way into daily society by posing as a "hurtful drug" and eventually morphing into the worthless paperweight it has become (speed is where it's at).

Mtv has whored itself out (and who could blame them) to the likes of ashton kutcher, the jackass guys, and who could forget, random teenage kids that date for money.

What has the world come to? I'll tell you, approximately 2005, but, i guess you were looking for something more insightful. If you're going to be a medium of film that lasts approximately 2-3 minutes, don't just assume that because there's music in your video, and you want to air it on tv, don't under any circumstances, trust a guy named music television. So long suckers!


Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
When it comes to racism, you hear people say "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? Come on now, you've gotta draw the line somewhere.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Advertise this...

It seems to me that the fcc, the government, the powers that be perhaps, whoever you want to call them, in their ever-so-righteous quest to make our world "a better place" for everyone else, always seem to shoot themselves in the foot. But maybe that's just me.

For awhile now, tobacco advertisements have been banned from most media (aside from magazine ads, because i guess kids don't read magazines), in order to "save" kids from the terrible influences of joe camel and his cronies. That's fine, i can accept that kids shouldn't be exposed to smoking ads, but what kind of message are we sending when instead of tobacco ads, we get erectile dysfunction ads (more destructive to a young mind if you ask me), and the ever-so-popular beer ads.

Watching college football, you won't see any cigarette ads, but every other ad is for beer. First off, at least 50% but more like 75% of college students aren't old enough to legally buy or consume alchohol anyway, (while about 99% would be of age to buy cigarettes... thanks, law), and yet it seems perfectly acceptable for kids to get drunk, get in their cars, and drive to the game (because as everyone knows, when a beer company tells you to drink responsibly, that's just what they do), but if you were to light up a cigarette with the hand not holding the beer (no need for holding the steering wheel), you should be shot.

Just seems like a double standard, that's all. I know this wasn't a funny post, just an observation. In order to lighten the mood, i will now talk about fruit, and their laziness.

Fruit has got to be the laziest of foods. Seriously. I mean, will you ever find vegetables sitting in a bowl... waiting to be painted? Nope, they're either being cut up into salads or boiled or thrown up by little kids. Man, those vegetables are hard workers. Don't even get me started on meat. When they're not alive, they're trying their damndest to not get killed (good luck piggy), and when they've gotten the chop, they're either being maranaded, grilled, boiled, chopped, roasted, what have you.

Fruit? If only wishing made it so. Fruit, grows on trees or bushes, or vines, get picked, sent to the supermarket, get taken home, put on display, then eaten. Who does anything with fruit? Occasionally you'll find an apple in a pie, but that's about it. Lazy bastards. I guess they do have one thing going for them... you guessed it, fructose... sweet lazy bastards. Aw well...

I realize that wasn't funny either, but that's just too bad. I'm running out of ideas.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Delivery Dumpkis...

Why is it that some people have come to expect tips as an absolute right of them simply doing their jobs? I understand with some folks like waiters (although i'm not gonna tip you just because you're a waiter), but overall, there are lots of jobs out there that are service oriented, where tipping is usually not required, or even thought of.

I used to work at an electronics store, selling... well, electronics. People would come into this store with electronics purchased sometime during the eisenhower administration, asking me what was wrong with it. Aside from the obvious answer that electronics no longer run off of electricity gathered from lightning bolts harnessed by kites with keys attached to them, i would do my best to find the source of the problem, and to solve it. Did i ever get a tip? nope.

At that job, people would occasionally come in, ask for something, i would bring it out to them, ask them if that's what they wanted, and how they liked it, ring them up, and they'd be on their way. Sound similar? Yup, that's exactly what waiters do. Except the only problem is, waiters don't have to worry about the customers coming back with the steak that they bought 29 days from now, ruining your monthly numbers. And on top of that, they get tipped. Sweet.

Delivery drivers. The world's seemingly easiest, yet from the way the actual drivers act, extremely complex job. How hard is it to calculate change? What were you doing in the car the entire time you were driving to my place (which consequently, seems to be around 2 hours from 3 blocks away)?

Why am i being so hard on delivery drivers? Well, for the most part, they are fine. I give them tips for doing their jobs, and they're back on their happy way. Recently, i had a pretty weird experience though. Here's the setup:

  • I order chinese food.
  • 14 bucks total (i was hungry).
  • Delivery driver comes 45 minutes later (2 miles away).
  • I hand him a 20 (for 14 in food).
  • He says "thanks," starts to walk off.
  • Me: "hey, what the hell?"
  • Him: "oh, you wanted change?"
  • I shoot myself in the head (wait, that's what i wanted to do)
  • Him: "i don't have any change, you have anything smaller?"
  • Me: (brain literally melting whilst attempting to comprehend the query) "do i have change?"
At this point, i have little choice but to kill this man where he stood, and feed his body to pigs. I mean, what other outs did i have? None i tell you, none.
I mean, is it too much to ask that a delivery driver have some fucking change? It'd be like hiring someone to come fix your roof, and the guy asking if he can borrow your tools, and oh yeah, some roofing materials.

Bunch of idiots. We must learn to love them. And by learn to love them, of course i mean, kill them... kill them all...


Steven Wright's QotD:
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The IM Strangler...

I am a killer.

Not in the way in which i kill people or anything like that... I'm what you would call, an e-killer i suppose.

Everytime i instant message someone, get into a chatroom, or even get involved in a thread in a forum online, it dies.

I don't mean to kill the threads and chats and stuff, but it just so happens that whenever i add my two cents... people tend to never respond to it. When i'm instant messaging someone, it looks a bit like:

jon: blah blah blah?
jon: blah blah
jon: blah dee blah
jon: dee dah blah
jon: blah de dah?
jon: hoohaa
jon: blah blah...
jon: you there?
jon: guess not

Whenever i get involved in a thread, the thread invariably dies. I mean, i'm like conversation raid (you know, the stuff that kills ants). It happens all the time, not even just online. I mean, when i call someone, the other person is usually the first to go... uh... well... i... gotta go... Happens to all of us you say? Nope. It happens to me in person as well. Here's an example of my typical conversation:

jon: so, how ya doin?
other guy (og): not bad, you?
jon: pretty good. say, did you see that game? man, that was crazy
og: yeah it was
jon (trying harder): dang, those clouds are big
og: uh....
jon: i mean, big clouds, they're so weird...
og (walking away)
jon (yelling): you know? big clouds? look at that one! it looks like transfer ribonucleic acid~!, wait, where are you going?
jon, cries.

I'm trying to figure out what the reasoning is behind why people just start tuning out when i write, which i don't understand, because i don't feel like i'm that long-winded or anything, but i guess i might be, i mean, who knows, because sometimes i have alot to say, and sometimes i just don't have enough time to say it spread over different

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Football Rankings?

It seems that me and my buddy RangerCho would once again be able to join forces and be able to be better than any person alive. In this case, it would be college football pollsters.

Just to give you guys an idea of how much better we'd be at judging the college rankings than the people who do it now, between the two of us, just today, we probably watched around 30 hours worth of games/highlights, insights, previews... Vs. the people who apparently vote idaho in the top 25 with their 0-4 record in the new harris poll, which goes a third of the way to deciding who plays in the national championship game. Here's hoping that they vote us ahead of usc...


 


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