THE Ohio State University!

Ohio, land of the jerks... Figuratively and well, literally
Fast foward to about the 1:40 mark, then to about the 5:00 mark...

The Hanger...

Tis the season for season finales. There are alot of season and series finales going on this month, and it's kind of sad to see these shows go... I mean, sure i haven't been watching most of the shows for the last couple of years, but it's just nice to think that they're still around. Just kinda there... Like a warm blanket that i don't use anymore, but is nice to know that i could just cuddle up in it if i ever needed to. Of course, both have lost the luster that they carried in the first few seasons, but at the same time, it's the familiarity that brings us together.

As far as season finales go, it's a mixed bag. There are different types of shows that go on hiatus, and different methods of ending a season. Most comedy shows introduce a minor cliffhanger, perhaps a new character on the last show in some kind of situation that leads the viewer to tune in at the beginning of the next season. Drama shows, alot of times will go through some sort of cliffhanger as well, and well, there's no other types of shows...

Of course, you can see that there is a theme emerging here. Cliffhangers, latin for bastards. I mean, what a mean way to get me to watch next season. I guess if i had to guess a way to do it, i would make the show end in a cliffhanger as well, but at least i would know what the hell is going on! Which brings me to the fulcrum of my ranting...

The lost season finale is on tonight, and all i can say is, it's probably gonna piss me off. I mean, i'll watch, and make abc some advertising revenue, but more than likely it's going to end in some kind of crazy cliffhanger where i'll have to wait for 4 months to be able to know what's going on. It's going to be a terrible wait. I'm gonna go so far as to buy the dvd box set just to see if there's some kind of insight in the commentary or the extra features. We'll see i suppose.

In the meantime, i'll just have to bide my time by doing something constructive like coming up with witty things for you people to read. Oh? What's that surprise guest? You're carrying my baby?!? But you're a man~!.... (stay tuned)



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!

To Tell, or Not To Tell...

There comes a time in everyone's life where they are faced with a problem. A problem so profound that it tugs at the very fibers of one's being. Fundamental problems that without the wisdom of a freud-like persona, one might never find the solution to. I shall attempt to grapple with, and find a solution to, said problem.

Everyone these days has a telephone. And generally, everyone has friends that have telephones. At first, when the telephone was still a relatively new invention, it was an event to get a call. People would wait around the phone in the hopes that someone would call and if someone did call, they would be sure to answer it immediately. But, as it turns out, things lose their luster over time.

It's kind of like how people used to make a big deal about the president being on tv. People would plan their night around the televised address, and would get mad if anyone talked while the president was speaking. Then, as tv grew more and more popular, and the president was on tv more and more, it just kind of lost the luster associated with it. In a twist of irony, our current president has made it fun to watch televised presidential addresses again, but this time, in the same vein as watching a squirrel look for the nut he know he buried earlier, but had since been moved. You know, for sport.

The telephone has gone through a similar declination over the years. At first, people were excited about the phones, then after it became somewhat commonplace, people would start "screening" their calls, with answering machines, caller id, and the like. When the wireless phone industry first started sprouting roots into our minds (in the form of brain cancer), people got excited about phones again. Then, just as the way of their land based cousins, people started to get jaded with the whole business.

Of course, the other side effect of people becoming jaded about phones and contact is that they start to avoid calls. This always sets up a situation in which, you start calling people in the phone book only to reach the dreaded voicemail. Then, you call the next person on the list with the same result. This can go on for several minutes until you're now calling the 15th person in a feeble attempt at making some sort of human contact based solely on principle. At this point, something unexpected happens, the 15th person answers. Now what? Chances are, you haven't talked to this person in months, and now, we come face to face with the aformentionted dilemma:

should you disclose that you could really care less about this person and that the only reason you were talking to him at all was due to the fact that everyone else in your phone book screened your call?

Of course! What fun would it be if you didn't disclose that information? I mean, when someone calls you and the first thing they say is: "Finally, someone answered the phone! You're like the 20th person i called... damn!" You can't help but smile. Some people have told me that this isn't common, but what to they know? I mean, (ooh, i think it's ringing... i know they're gonna pick up this time...)



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

A Microwave and a Masters...

There is something that i love more than anything else that is microwavable and consumable. The pure convenience, the delicious parts that aren't dry or stuck to the sides of the plastic container, the awesome aroma that wafts through the house in an almost vomit-inducing permeation (did you like how i used permeate there? ok, neither did i). Anyway, in case you're stupid, of course i'm talking about...

Microwave dinners.

These things are great. I mean, where else can you get a relatively unsatisfying meal cooked in a metal box that makes things hot, dry, and well, tasteless for under 3 dollars that can take the place of some good ole fashioned tlc and fresh ingredients? Nowhere! That's where! But it's not all bad.

Some of the benefits to eating/cooking/cautiously consuming microwave dinners are that they are pretty quick to make, and can hold your hunger over until you:
a. get off your lazy ass and go out to buy something or cook something to eat
b. keel over and die from eating said "dinner"

Notice i said "pretty quick to make" and not "convenient" or "easy." There is a reason for this. It used to be, you could buy a microwave dinner, and without knowing much else, basically poke holes in the plastic cover with a fork, chuck it in the microwave for 3-5 minutes (read 4 minutes), and then just go eat the awesome half-frozen, half-dried out dinner. This, unfortunately, is no longer the case.

Now, when you buy a microwave dinner, you get a box that looks suspiciously just like the old boxes did, but when you open said box, you're in for a surprise. You get this tray, that looks like a normal microwave dinner tray, but it is contained within 20 different pouches. Then you turn the box over to see how long it should be heated when you realize that there is a fold-out section to the instructions. It seems like these guys don't really think through how to write the instructions as if they're apprentices hoping to someday make it to the big time of writing for cell phone activations. Anyway, the instructions go something like this:

1. Remove tray from container (thanks.)
2. Remove pouches from tray (uh. there's like 12 of them...)
3. Remove all pouches from tray (oh, thanks, think you could've combined the last two...)
4. Poke vent hole in vent pouch (ok, there we go, nice big vent hole)
5. If hole is larger than a pinprick, use enclosed tape to retape hole and reopen smaller hole (well crap, i should really read ahead)
6. Replace noodle pouch into tray (does the noodle pouch need a vent hole?)
7. Remove noodle pouch from tray, and poke vent hole in noodle pouch (well, um, yeah, i just asked that... fucker... ok, pinprick sized hole...)
8. Poke another hole in noodle pouch at a distance of the square root of pi in centemeters after being converted from inches using 2.54cm/in conversion (wtf...)
9. Microwave for 2-5:30 minutes (shit! no middle ground... ok, 3:42)
10. Remove noodle pouch, set aside.
11. Replace sauce pouch, microwave for 5-9 minutes (this was a real one from a real microwave dinner i had... 5-9 minutes? c'mon, that's a pretty big margin)
12. Remove noodles from pouch, place in tray. (what about the sauce?)
13. Remove sauce, pour over noodles (oh, ok...)
14. Stir.
15. Put secondary sauce pouch in microwave (oh shit... secondary pouch? which one is this one i just poured all over my noodles?)
16. Microwave secondary sauce pouch for 15 seconds-12 minutes (...)
17. Discard secondary sauce pouch, do not consume (uh oh... i hope this is the right pouch)
18. Solve this equation:

Fuck that, i'm going to eat some poop, i mean mcdonald's i mean, poop.




Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Voluntary Prison...

We live in an increasingly convenient world. We can get our news on the computer without even going to the front door, we can make phone calls from anywhere in the world with a device that fits conveniently in your pocket, we can drive places at faster speeds than ever before, we can fly to places on the other side of the globe in planes that fly almost as fast as sound.

With all of these conveniences everywhere, it seems that all we're doing is creating an increasingly lazy society that doesn't appreciate the simple pleasure of walking down the street to the general store (i know, what the hell era am i living in anyway?) for some potatoes. The irony is that while the world is growing smaller, the places we choose to go oftentimes are becoming more and more confined to a smaller and smaller area (see? that's actual irony, eat that alanis!).

I'm thinking no one knows what the hell i'm talking about by this point, but that's just the price you pay to be entertained like you do week in and week out here at fabot (like the plug?).

It just seems like we confine ourselves into small places. By this, i mean, most of us probably go to work in a small office, cubicle, retail store, etc., spending the better part of the day there, then as soon as work is over, head home to spend the rest of the night watching prime time television, then going to bed and starting the entire process over again. If you think about it, with our fast cars, fast jets, and ability to be reached in any locale with our cell phones, one would imagine that there would be more "exploring." But that just doesn't happen. We spend most of our time sitting in our cubicle, looking at what's going on in the world around us via the internet, then go home, and lose ourselves in the celebrity-drunken media programs to vicariously live our lives through those of the more public celebs and reality shows.

We've gotten to the point where we don't even have to leave our homes for most of our needs anymore. I mean, you can stay at home, and order pizza online, order chinese food over the phone, and even order groceries if you feel so inclined to cook at home. You pee and poo at home, so that's taken care of. Alot of us actually work at home, so no need to even see the outdoors first hand during a commute. At this point, i don't think i even need a car. I used to use it to drive around the seedy parts of town looking for porn, but hellooooo internet. We're inmates in prisons of our own making. Granted, prisons with nicer carpeting, but prisons all the same.

Delivery services are awesome. You can order stuff from the home depot and have it delivered to your house, i mean, prostitutes even make house calls lately (don't ask how i know, i just do). It kind of makes me wish there were other delivery services. Like, six flags. How great would it be to just order the superman ride, and after a couple of house expansions and a few pages of instructions later, you could have all the fun of a day at the amusement part without having to actually go anywhere.

Wow, i just realized this isn't funny at all. Hmm. That's kinda bad. I guess perhaps i should add a "bonus" amusing post. Ok, so here we go.



Technological Road Block...

Isn't it kinda weird how some forms of technology seem to grow by leaps and bounds and others don't? I mean, we have computers that double in speed every two years, there are now alarm clocks that run away and hide, so that you have to hunt it down to be able to find it and turn it off (which still wouldn't wake me up btw... and would only result in several wall dents the size of smarmy alarm clocks). There are tv's that have resolution so fine that you can see individual blades of grass on a football field, and there are cars that are super-efficient that can get 55+ miles per gallon using basically the same technology as the awesome cars of the 80's that got 5.

The telephone industry has been lagging in my opinion (no pun intended). I know you are probably thinkin "well, they have cell phones now, and they keep getting smaller, they have more and more features packed in them... blah blah blah" to which i retort "no."

If you think about it, the technology isn't really evolving. The phone companies try to pull the distraction card by adding more and more features to the phones like a camera, internet access, and other things that take your attention away from the fact that the phone is still, well, the thing you had in your dorm room with the cord and the handle on the back, a.k.a. the "motel phone."

If future movies were any sort of measuring stick (and we all know how accurate those are), we should have some awesome telephony technology by now. I mean, in star trek, they had video phones where you could look directly at the screen and talk to the other guy and it was just as good as if you were standing in the same room talking to each other. In star wars, r2d2 was fitted with a holographic message projector, where you could attempt to feel up a princess's electronically projected boobies. What do we have? A phone you can carry around and talk on whilst holding it up to your ear. Yay.

Where are our video phones? Where are our phones where you can simulate touching someone (i've been wanting to reach out and touch someone forever). Voice quality still isn't all that on phones. I mean, given the right conditions of static, i can't tell the difference between pam anderson on the other line and my friend don. Granted, don does have some huge-boobed blonde actress qualitites about him, but his voice is not one of those qualities.

Home phones are even worse. The only major innovation to the home phone recently has been the advent of the speakerphone. Wow. I mean, it's just a phone turned up really loud so you can hear the other person respond when you put the phone down to go do something. We've all done it before the speakerphone was invented. You'd put the phone somewhere, go to another room and yell back at the phone just to see if someone could hear you. The only difference is that now, you can get immediate confirmation that they can indeed hear you and that you are indeed a jackass for doing it.

I mean, why is there even static on phones anyway? If i can retrieve a satellite signal from outer space to get digital tv, you'd think the phone company could think of a way where i could talk to someone without my voice sounding like a huge long buzz during the convo. What a long way we've come from the days of alexandar graham bell.

The sounds get so hard to hear sometimes that i'll call friends on the phone, and while they're on the phone, i'll actually instant message them because it's easier to communicate actual words. It'll start off as a regular phone conversation, but at some point, there is that inevitable misunderstanding of words:

me: "man, i really like to eat eggs, they're tasty"
don: "you want to marry a monkey?"
me: "no eggs..."
don: "no, monkeys don't lay eggs"
me: "no, i like to eat eggs"
don: "man, south america isn't even warm this time of year"
me: "what the hell are you talking about?"
don: "exactly, that's why the kentucky chemistry program is so famous"

At this point i'll shoot him an instant message. We'll sit there on the phone, listening to each other type out messages... It's always fun when you're on the phone together and can call out the other person for typing a phrase such as "haha" or the ever-so-popular "lol" but not actually let out an audible laugh. But i'll even type this in to the messaging window instead of saying it out loud.

jon: something funny (like always)
don: lol
jon: i didn't hear you laugh, bastard
don: your dad
jon: yes.

Until phone companies decide to pony up the cash to make better sounding phone technology, i'll be forced to know that whenever someone types a "haha, hehe, lol" type comment, they're not actually laughing. I want to hear the laughter ma bell, make it happen!



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.