Writing Fool

I've tracked the number of words that i've typed for this blog, and it comes in at just around 59,000 words. This leads to something resembling an 180+ page book. That's a lot of damn writing. The sad part about it, is that i'm probably the only one who read any of them. Even as i type this, i realize that no one else will read this.

Can anyone read what i'm writing if i'm alone in the woods? What the hell did that even mean? Why the hell am i still typing? What's going on with this zit on my face? Why are there braille keys on a drive up atm machine? Why do people call it an atm machine? That's so redundant. Let me refresh you, atm stands for automatic tellar machine. If you had to say it like that, wouldn't you feel stupid calling it an automated teller machine machine? I thought so.

While we're on the subject of acronyms, why do i know so damn many acronyms? Self contained underwater breating apparatus? C'mon, that's unnecessary. Light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation? Well, i actually had to look this one up. If i tried to do that one by myself, i would have been s.o.l.

So, until I can think of anything else, ttfn, brb, and i'll be afk until next week.

The LBD...

There exists a dilemma that all people must face many times in their lives, sometimes, several times a day. Now, you might be thinking to yourself: "why do i read this damn blog?" Ok, well, that aside, you might also be asking yourself: "what kind of dilemma would one face daily, and perhaps several times daily?" Well, you've come to the right place my friend.

First off, allow me to offer a little background. My definition of a dilemma is something that poses some sort of quandary if you will. A decision which will have dire consequences. Further, my definition of daily is something that happens repeatedly. Day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, after day, (get the idea? no?) after day, after day, after day, after day, after day (and so on and so forth).

The major daily dilemma i speak of can on be expressed as the most dire, and the most day after day (ok, that's enough) imaginable. I have come up with a clever acronym for this: the l.b.d.

What is the l.b.d. you ask? Well, isn't that an interesting question. The l.b.d. is the last bite dilemma. You might not be familiar with this affliction, but it affects millions (and by millions i mean me, but if it afflicts you too, let me know) of people worldwide.

Imagine that you're eating a burger. Of course, you're also eating some fries. And on top of that, you're drinking your favorite soft drink (read: coke. What kind of coke? well, regular, but that's another story). Now, at first, everything is good. You're just eating your tasty burger, having some delicious fries, and drinking your refreshing beverage. But invariably, comes a time when you near the end of your marvelous journey. Only at the end, can you fully appreciate the severity of this dilemma.

Imagine you have about 4 bites left of your burger, 10 fries, and a third of a coke left. How do you proceed? Do you scarf down the last four bites of the burger? Doing so would leave you with fries that have no sandwich accompaniment. Fries are only good with a little ground beef sandwiched between a bun. Do you eat all the fries first? Of course not. Such starchiness could not be handled by mere mortal mouths. Of course one cannot finish the drink first. If one did that, there would be cottonmouth the likes of which hasn't been seen this side of the mississippi (either side actually) since the great dust bowl of '32.

So there we have it. The last bite dilemma. Which do you eat first, and more importantly, which do you eat last? Well, there's usually a consensus that the drink should be consumed last in order to "wash" everything down. But that still leaves us with the burger and the fries. As the burger gets smaller, the mental calculations increase. "How many fries do i have left? Two? Ok, let's see here, half a bite left. If i eat a quarter of a bite, and one fry, that will leave another quarter and one last fry. But which to eat last? Finish with the last bit of burger, or the last bit of fry? Damnit, i want to kill myself!" And so it goes, until finally, there is a restaurant full of people yelling at themselves.

Keep in mind that this can be used in any number of scenarios. Sandwich and chips; burger and fries; soup and salad; cake and kimchi. Cake and kimchi you ask? Hell yeah. As i've gotten older, i can only eat so much cake before it gets nasty, but if i bring some kimchi to the mix, it increases my cake intake ability by a factor of 5. Just saying.

So the next time you're eating a meal, try to think of which food you'll eat last. If this is too much for you to handle, perhaps you'd be better off just eating one dish per meal.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much fucking meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the fuck out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation."

Back To School...

The shuffling of the books, the loading up of the $0.10 notebooks at wal-mart, the choosing of the outfits, you can smell it in the air, it's back to school time.

Everyone knows the feeling: having to switch back your summertime schedule of waking up at 4pm, getting the brain ready for thinking about more than "how many beers can i drink before i can't remember... anything?" It's a challenging time for students all around the country.

The worst part about going back to school is knowing that you're going to be facing another semester of mediocrity sitting in class with smart kids who seem to actually enjoy studying.


Can pull out straight a's and no girl's phone numbers simultaneously

Of course, it isn't that you can't get good grades, it's because you won't. This is what most people tell themselves when they're in a state of denial about the possiblity that they're not actually as smart as their parents have told them their entire lives. Face it, you're stupid, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, so if it helps to keep telling youself that it's a matter of effort, go right ahead.

Of course, the best part of going back to school is being able to stalk meet friends from class again. If you think about it, there aren't any other places where you can sit directly behind a coed and lean ever-so-slightly in for the i'm-taking-notes-but-i'm-really-smelling-your-hair move. Creepy? Perhaps. Awesome? Undeniably.

Haven't thought his plan through of how to check out girls in the class with all these pesky books

Even without that many hot girls in your class (damn you, biology!!!!), there are still things to look forward to.

Firstly... um... well, i can't really think of anything to look forward to, but i'm sure there's something. I guess it's good that i'm done with school, and don't really have to rack my brain trying to think of fancy things like big words to describe stuff, and... stuff.

So, for all you kids going back to school, enjoy those little things, like, well... knowing that once it's all over, you'll probably still have a really hard time getting a job that pays more than minimum wage.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?

It's Almost That Time...

What time you ask? Almost football time that is!

Don and Jon have collaborated on a tennessee athletics blog and it should be up and running pretty soon.

We're trying pretty hard to make it not suck too bad, so check it out...

Fulmer's Belly

Ideas...

It's always difficult to come up with new ideas. I mean, people that work in creative type jobs definately have my respect. If you decide to ever work in a job that requires you to think of new crap every week, dont't take it.

I mean, take a look at this blog for example. Sure, i bring the funny week in and week out, but as hard as it is to believe, it is indeed difficult to come up with new ideas. Just make sure you overlook the multiple posts about poop, and about vegas. Really, there's nothing to write home about in my life except those two things, and i've been running low on money lately, so expect to see more poopy posts.

Some people seem to have good ideas about important things. Take for example our president, who after getting us into iraq looking for weapons that didn't exist, wait... bad example. Take for example, the energy companies who, after realizing that we are far too dependent on foreign oil, have come up with new energy alternatives wait, another bad example.

Ok, so i guess it's true that no one has any new ideas. I mean, look at hollywood. Most of the movies out there are remakes of former movies. Ocean's eleven (which i thoroughly enjoyed) was a remake of an old rat pack (lat pak in japanese) movie, the lake house (you know, the one with keanu and sandra bullock that's not speed) was a remake of a korean movie, dude, where's my car, which is a remake of my high school years... the list goes on.

Advertising industry professionals are supposedly known for their plethora of ideas, but why is it that the latest development was to introduce a 15-second commercial as opposed to a 30-second commercial? I mean, c'mon, let's think out of the box, and make some 7-second commercials, just to throw off the network programming schedule.

I think everyone is in the same boat as far as not being able to come up with new ideas goes. Auto makers are all copying each other, every electronics company is making their own version of the ipod without actually making anything "new," tv shows consist of 12 different csi shows and 19 variations on survivor, even fast food chains are all offering "good food, fast, at a reasonable price." C'mon, let's get creative people...

So, i guess the point is, if you can think of any good ideas, i'd appreciate it. Also, if you are reading this, well, thanks (to the two of you).



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.