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fabot. funny enough to read

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

the AGL (Asian Grocery List)...

I come from a korean family. One can deduce this by either looking at me, or asking me, or now, reading this column. The reason i mention this is because coming from an american based korean family presents it's own interesting set of traditions and customs that others might find different, but that i find completely normal.

Here now, i shall present to you things that are true for almost every korean family, and generally true for most asian families in the us.

1. Every asian family owns a $400 dish drying rack.

Now, you might think this is an extravagant purchase, but they seem to come with the houses so it's not really us that are spending the money on getting it installed. Other people i've talked to claim that they put dirty dishes in this drying rack and magical fairies come out and clean the dishes while no one is looking. Automatically. yeah... right...

2. Statistics show that 99% of asian parents are disappointed at thier childrens' educational choices.

This is for the most part true. Why is that you ask? Well, it's because 98% of asian kids don't get into an ivy league school. Of the 2% that get into ivy league schools, about 50% don't pursue medicine (see? i can do math... punks). Another reason is that asian parents are disappointed with their kids is that they probably didn't score 1600 (or 2400 these days) on the sat's. Chances are however, that the parents of the kids who did score a 1600 bought out a full page ad in the new york times showing off about their kids. All asian kids know this kids' name from lore. Damn you harry park!

3. Asian grocery shopping lists don't ever include personal hygene products.

Now, i don't want you all to get the wrong idea here. It's not that asians don't use these products, is that they have no need to buy them. Ever. If you feel confused about this, let me just sum up why asian families don't buy these products in one word: church.

For the most part, most korean families go to church. One of the main reasons korean families go to church is for the church outings. Sure, some people would say that there's something to do with salvation, but really, it's for the outings. Church outings generally take place at a campground or a park near a dam, or some such place where there are gazebos and barbeque pits. You know a korean church has taken over a facility such as this by the tell tale smell of short ribs being grilled on one of the barbeque pits (on aluminum foil with holes poked in it... we never put our meat directly on the grill). But i digress.

Church outings go as follows: there is a little bit of playing by the kids, and just mingling about by the parents, then there is a short sermon. After the sermon, a delicious meal in which about 9 full rice cookers worth of steamed sticky rice is served, along with a multitude of side dishes including at least 5 things that are bright red (in korean cooking, bright red=really spicy). Then, you get to the end of the line where the barbeque man hands you two slices of marinaded beef short ribs. Then, the entire place goes quiet, and the only sounds that you can hear are the sounds of carnivorous mastication and quite a few digestive, er... tones. This brings us to the real prize of the church outings. The reason why koreans never buy personal hygene supplies: the games.

Olympic-level intensity coupled together with the organization of a middle school student council meeting, these games provide enjoyment that can only be described as: disappointing for the kids. The reason it's disappointing? All the prizes consist of things such as toothpaste, soap, kleenex and the ever-so-popular towels with the church name printed on them. Imagine my chagrin when i won the childrens' divison of the egg-on-spoon relay (with a little help from a hard-boiled egg, hey, it's war out there, ok?), only to be handed my prize of a year's supply of toothpaste. Yay. The parents love this of course, and now that i'm a bit older, can see the benefits of giving out useful prizes, but back then, all i wanted was some kind of toy that would break before i got it home. (just as a note, a few years after i wasn't considered a "kid" anymore, they started giving out colored pencils, markers and awesome stuff like slinkys... those bastards.)

So there we would be, loading up our car with the fruits of our labor (read: cheating ability), with 10 new towels, about 900 bars of soap (dove soap, our church didn't skimp), enough toothbrushes to supply the country of ghana, enough toothpaste to fill every sink in my house to the brim with (i've tried it, and it was fun), and calendars from the local oriental super market, just in case we forgot what year it was (these were good for regifting to friends who you didn't like, unless it was the friend whose family owned the supermarket, and then there'd always be that awkward moment). By the time we got home, the entire car smelled like dove soap, and the toothpaste would have a core temperature of liquid hot magma, but who were we to complain? It was free toothpaste. In fact, the first time i ever had to buy my own tube of toothpaste was last month in which it dawned on me that i haven't been to church in awhile.

So there you have it. The glories of asian families and the reason we feel that we're better than every other race: free towels. Has your family ever gotten free towels? Didn't think so.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:

I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Jon is witty...

The guys over at view from rocky top, a ut devoted blog, has picked yours truly as the winner of the caption contest :)

Check it out.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Like I Was Saying...

So, it's 4/20, and there's a dense fog in the air. And i'm getting a contact buzz just from looking at the picture... coincidence? i think not.
Bob Marley's got nothin on an entire city of ganja-smokers. It's blocking the sun i say, blocking the sun!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Herbal Remedies

In honor of tomorrow being april 2oth or 4/20, i thought i'd write about, well, herbs.

Let me just start off by saying that i have no idea what pot looks like, smells like, tastes like, or have i ever been associated with anyone who has any idea of any of the above except that i... wait, where did my twinkies go?

Twinky is a funny word.

As you all may know, the word for marijuana is commonly referred to as "pot" by the "cool" community, so if you want to be cool, make sure you describe an illegal drug as a vessel in which to cook things. There is only one explanation for this: the people who came up with the term "pot" to describe marijuana were smoking marijuana at the time they thought of it.

There are lots of myths and urban legends out there about marijuana, and i would like to do my part by clearing some of them up for you.

1. Smoking copious amounts of marijuana causes memory loss.
I can't remember where i read this or whether or not i believe this is true, but it seems like something the "establishment" would say to get us to stop doing something that... what was i talking about?

2. Smoking marijuana leads to doing harder drugs.
Since when are cookies and snacks considered harder drugs? In fact, if nothing else, the potheads probably eat less snack foods than does the average american. Here, i shall propose the marijuana diet, consisting of the actual physical movement involved with rummaging around looking for the snack foods rather than how most people simply bury themselves in a mountain of potato chips, eating themselves out.

3. Marijuana brownies have the same effect as smoking the stuff.
Well, i don't know if this is the case or not, but if you think about it, the marijuana brownie has to be one of the greatest inventions ever. I mean, think about it, it's the problem and solution all in one convenient and easy to carry package. The pot makes you hungry for munchies, yet you are already eating munchies! Genius!

I think marijuana has been given a bad rap. I mean, people talk about how high you get when you smoke, but i'm guessing that part of the high is psychosomatic (this is where the brain makes something you think is real, become real in a matrix-esque causality arrangement that baffles the mind, making it real... it's a vicious cycle). Anyway, the fact that it is illegal makes it more appealing to certain people in and of itself. Whenever i haven't smoked a cigarette (tobacco, still legal, mostly...) in a few days and i smoke one, i feel what's commonly referred to as a "nic buzz" where i feel lightheaded and happy. Not really hungry for munchies, but a similar sensation i'm sure to the "high" one feels from smoking the ganja.

Another fun part of marijuana is the fact that people think themselves very clever when they use code words to describe marijuana so that "the man" or whoever else was born last night would not understand about what they spoke. Some of the fun names include: mary jane, the chronic, the ganja, grass, tree trunks, hot sauce, nappy hair, solar winds, deep sea fishing, among others. It's gotten to be that there are so many different names now for pot that its easier to list the words that don't refer to pot.

I mean, i could go on and on, but i forgot what i was writing about.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Gym Rats...

The salty smell, the soothing sounds, the clanging of metal, the guttoral tones? That's right, you're in a gym. Most of my readers at this point are probably asking themselves: "a what?" A gym man, a gym. A place you go to work out and do stuff that makes you smelly and tired.

It's kind of like a time accelerator. Within a matter of a few minutes, you can attain the stink and grossness of a full weeks' worth of geeking it up positioning yourself in front of a computer with nothing else but microwave burritos and a 12 pack of coke to keep you company.

As it turns out, there are supposedly other "benefits" to going to the gym. There's the whole "you get healthier and more fit" thing. Ok, let's just say for argument's sake, that this is true. It seems that most people are unable to maintain any kind of level high enough to actually be able to attain something so grandiose as to become fit. This can be evidenced by the people who "work" at these establishments. They are all always really excited about "working out" and are always excited when you go to the gym because i think they honestly feel that they can get you to "work out" and by doing so, it somehow makes their "workout" that much more meaninful, sort of like an affiliate program where they get a percentage of your "workout."

This is actually a pretty good explanation for what happens when i go to the gym. I "work out" and when i'm done, i'm smelly and tired, but look exactly the same, except wet, and smelly. Meanwhile, the guy who signed me up (who has yet to actually do anything that is even remotely related to "working out"), is sitting at the protein shake bar, chatting with the ladies about the benefits of using the plates that are bigger because they make "these bigger" (points to bicep). There's nothing women love more than intelligible conversation about... well, nothing. (the previous sentence is an example of what women would want you to believe... the whole "i want a man with a brain.. blah blah blah" but given the choice between a man with a really big brain, and an equally large gut to go along with it, and a man with a brain the size of a... well, molecule of protein but muscles out to the casbah... you get the idea)

"whaaaaaaaat did you say? I'll crush your head right in this little space between my fists. Actually, could you stick your head between my fists? Thanks. I'll cruuuuush you!!!"


Well i'll be damned... maybe it really is about the brains... Part of the bad pic to prove my point series.

Anyway, you get the idea. What sounds good on paper, and what actually happens are two different things. I used to go to the gym. I'd weigh myself before every workout to see if i had lost any weight from the time before. It turns out i weighed less each time, but i think it had more to do with the fact that i ate less and less before working out each time because as it turns out, when you work out with a full stomach, you want to puke pretty bad.

I was talking to a friend of mine who loves to work out. She lives for working out. I mean, aside from spending 20 hours a day at work, even on the weekends, she loves to work out. Even with this whirlwind schedule actually, she was able to point out an interesting habit of the people who go to gyms (we'll call these people, the "not serious... dudes.."): gym patrons drive around the parking lot, looking for the closest spot. I repeat: people are driving around, looking for the closest spot... on the way to working out... And the bookies take a hit.

I think by now, we should all realize that none of us are gonna ever look like the people on tv because, those people aren't really real. I mean, people have lives ya know. Some people have to go to work, some people have to tend to the kids, and some people have to sit around and think of interesting stuff to write about on a blog, then you have people like me, who sit around and try to think of interesting stuff, but can't and just write whatever down.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Gotta Chew It With The Fronts...

There are alot of products on the market that promise all kinds of greatness and wonders. Magic elixrs that can make your poop solidify, or if it's too solid, can melt it into more manageable lumps, pills that can make your hair grow, your boobs grow, and your penis grow (last two not ususally used in combination). There are pills that make you smarter, drinks that make you stronger and cream that makes your inhibitions go away (read: dove firming cream makes fat people not care that they're fat).

Of all these products, there are very few that actually work as directed. I mean, i took the penis pills that were advertised in my email box for the last 4 years and all i've gotten is an increase of about half a millimeter (granted, that doubled the size of my penis, but still...). Some of the products out there have claims that are so rediculous that it's hard to see how anyone wouldn't buy them. Like the fat dissolving pills. What a great idea. No working out needed, just take this pill, and fat will melt off your body except, whoa, there's that whole problem of your skin being a relatively non-porous surface, so after the fat melts, where's it gonna go? That's right, cankles... You'd have a great body until you got to your knees, where it would look like you were wearing flared jeans save for the fact that the flares are skin colored and aren't very fashionable.

Some of my favorite products are the gums. The nicotine gum for instance. Why should you smoke, when you can get almost all of the bad parts of cigarettes in a disgusting tasting gum? I've never chewed the stuff before, but i'd imagine that in order to get the taste of monkey poop out of my mouth, i'd have to smoke a cigarette as to replace it with the taste of monkey's ass (mmm, it's always better at the source).

This brings us to my single favorite self-improvement supplement: the tooth whitening gum. All the major brands put out some form of this gum. You know you've chewed some at some point, thinking: "if i'm gonna be chewing gum anyway, might as well whiten my teeth while i'm at it." Sure, i've thought it too. That is until, i realized one severe flaw. The iceberg in the side of the titanic marketing scheme. I don't chew gum with the fronts of my teeth. I mean, you'd have to take the gum out of your mouth, hold it with your fingers, and literally rub the gum onto the fronts of your teeth if you would want it to have any kind of whitening effect. I'd imagine that there are lots of people with really white tops and bottoms of teeth that can't even be seen if their mouth is closed.

One can only hope that there will be some sort of saving grace at some point with a product that actually works. In fact, that would actually be a fun project to partake in. Stay tuned for the "products that claim a huge deal but in reality are kinda crappy" series. Oh man, i need to take my vitamins before tom cruise gets pissed at me again... lates.



Mitch Hedberg's QotD:
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


 


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